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Let's discuss bullying
Ok, this is heartbreaking. This story hits close to home, she was a girl from my hometown (I grew up walking distance from her high school actually). These stories about bullying need to stop. Is it different now because everything is public (Facebook), or that bullies can reach you whenever they want (texting)? When I was a kid, and girls at school teased me, I went home and was left alone. No one was able to text me or post a nasty message to my Facebook wall. If someone called my house, my mom or dad answered the phone. And my mom taught me to be assertive (without being physical) and to stand up for myself and have confidence. It was the bully's problem, not mine. I think the solution is to teach teens to be more assertive, since stopping the bullying behavior is nearly impossible. I don't know...sorry for the rambling...but I was curious what you thought. It's just heartbreaking....What needs to be done to protect teens?
Re: Let's discuss bullying
Wow, I'm so sorry to hear about this. Such a pretty girl. And such a tragic shame. We had that happen here a couple years ago; a 14 year old girl from Huron committed suicide when she was raped by a classmate then bullied over the accusation. Kids are evil. Pure evil. And no matter how much we educate them it still happens. A damn shame. :-(
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It is sad that she was picked on, and I withstood some of the worst that could be handed out in high school for no absolute reason. My question is where were her parents during her demise? Where were teachers, other students, anyone? People had to notice.
My best friend tried to commit suicide in high school by overdosing on OTC meds at home one evening. Luckily, I found out about it and got a hold of her mom. She was taken in to the emergency room. They were told if she hadn't been brought in that night, she would have fallen asleep and never woken up. After that she went to home schooling. A lot of it stemmed from her getting picked on by older students at our high school. One was particularly bad. I don't want to get into details, but my friend made some choices in high school that did open her up to more controversy. I remember being so mad at her mom for not noticing. I noticed. Another teacher noticed and said something to our principal that did nothing. But, she doesn't hide her emotions at all, and I am so frustrated that no one took her depression seriously up until the point of life or death! I was also so upset for her for thinking it was okay to leave her family, me and everyone else because of what was going on in her life. No boy or bully is EVER worth ending your life over. Ever. She has admitted to me now how bad she feels for doing what she did to her family and me. She was sad, but there were thousands of other ways to handle it.
I have a lot of opinions on this entire matter, and some are definitely unpopular, so I will refrain from going too far into it. I just hope that as a parent I am aware enough of the things happening in my child's life so I know they are not the bully or the person being overly bullied without standing up for themselves. Life is hard and sometimes it really sucks, but that doesn't give anyone a reason to bully someone, and it doesn't give anyone a reason to become a door mat.
Mel I appreciate what you said about parents failing to take an active role in their child's life - I certainly agree with this on the side of the bully. As a person who used to be severely bullied, I can attest that my parents could bare no responsibility because I never shared that information with them - the girls at my school were slick enough to bully me when no one was watching - and at certain times I took it. I'll be the first person to admit though that, sometimes, violence is the answer. If I wouldn't have knocked that mean girl in her mouth after having gum stuck in my hair, being pushed around, having hateful drawings posted on my locker and being spit on, she would never have stopped. DH and I have talked about this a lot because he was also bullied as a teen before he moved away from NY - if/when we have children, this is going to be a point we'll be driving home with them so much. First and foremost, openness with us about bullying. Second, learning how to reason with those who are hateful and doing your best to stay out of situations that present the bully with an opportunity. Third, defend yourself if you must.
It breaks my heart that another teen died because of this crap...that they felt they had no other choice.
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It is so sad to hear stories like this
I too have given this issue a lot of thought, so here is my 2 cents:
One of the key challenges in our society is the negative attitude we have towards mental illnesses like depression and thoughts of suicide. This is a serious illness! Unfortunately, we often brush it off as a sign of weakness instead of addressing it and treating it with counseling or, in more serious cases, medication. I believe that the solution is in education and awareness - parents, teachers, and students should all be educated in noticing and reporting both bullying as well as depression. Just think, had breast cancer awareness not increased in the last few decades, we wouldn't know to go to a doctor if we found a lump in our chest and we may not even know how to perform a self exam. Decades ago, women were too embarrassed to admit that they found a lump, and would often go untreated. Now, so many more women (my MIL included) have beaten breast cancer because of early screening.
It may not seem "cool" to report bullying or depression, but I think it is becoming more popular as groups like the it gets better project become more popular. I was really hopeful that the popular show, Glee, put a huge spotlight on bullying and the potential outcomes. I think this kind of awareness and presence in social networks and media will save lives! Also, there are suicide hotlines out there that have saved SO many lives, but a lot of people don't know they exist or are too embarrassed to call. We have a few ads in California educating people about these hotlines, I would like to see this highlighted more globally.
I am curious what you think Allison, since you work with high school students.
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Sometimes this is the only alternative. Mike has told Amanda numerous times not to throw the first hit towards anyone, but if someone starts something with her, there's no shame in finishing it. He also said the first time you lay a bully out will also be the last; after that they'll know they don't have the best of you and will leave you alone. I know we try to teach our kids that violence isn't the answer but in some cases it just might be the only way to stand up for ourselves and get results. Good for you for taking a stand!!
I wasn't bullied physically or violently in school, but I was a scrawny little dorky kid and the popular kids usually intimidated me, laughed at me, wrote fake notes "from" boys I liked, etc. The mental scars hang around a lot longer. I just wish kids would talk to someone rather than taking their own lives. As Danie said, NO boy or bully is worth your life.
Ohhhhh I have tons of opinions on this topic. One reason is because, yes I have spent the past 8 years working with either high school or college aged students, and I did extensive research on this in graduate school.
In a nutshell, I believe that it is a parents' responsibility (and teachers and counselors help with this) to teach their child to COPE with adversity. I personally think that kids nowadays are very coddled and their parents solve all of their problems for them. Hell, our phones solve our problems for us. Everything is a shortcut. What are kids learning about solving problems, coping with difficult people and building assertiveness? From what I know about bullying, the bullying behavior is difficult, if not impossible to stop. The best intervention is to help the "victim" assert himself and build enough confidence to deal with the bully.
NJ recently passed very aggressive bullying laws, and while it brings attention to an important issue, it gets easily out of hand. Now, we have to report everything, and I think people use the bullying card too easily. Giving me dirty looks in class is not bullying. Stealing my stuff and pushing me in the hallway every single day, is. But nevertheless, everything gets reported and dealt with. It's good and bad.
When I was a kid, I had an obnoxious girl who teased me, but in between, we were friends. I mean, we were kids. She called me fat, passed me nasty notes in class about me being ugly, spread rumors about me in the schoolyard. It upset me, but I handled her. Like I said, there were moments that we were friends. It didn't help that her grandparents were my next door neighbors, and we had a great relationship with them! They were like family to us. So it put my parents in a tough spot. But my mom taught me how to carry myself with confidence and not let it bother me. And one day, I cornered her in the school yard, grabbed her by the shirt, pushed her against a fence, and punched her in the face. The teacher didn't even yell at me. But it needed to be done LOL
So in a nutshell, I think as a parent one day (I hope), I think the most important thing is to give your kids the confidence and security to deal with difficult people. Truth is, we deal with difficult people and bullies all of our lives (even at work as adults, right?)
I can go on and on...I'm just very sad about this whole situation. And I like hearing your opinions!
Like Cindy, I suffered more mental torment from fellow classmates than physical (height helped I guess). But not too much, luckily (erasers on my back, being laughed at when I tripped and spilled my lunch, oh yeah, and the silent treatment from my friends when I was in a "whining phase" in eighth grade). Not bad, but still it was no fun, and it all certainly didn't help my confidence in the social department. My cousins and I fought all the time, mostly verbally, but there was at least one time when I was a toddler where I fought back; (ETA:) my mother tried to stop me but my uncle told her to let me be. He said, "they've been bullying her forever; give her a chance to respond." I don't remember the incident, and it certainly didn't turn me into a fighting machine, but I am glad to know that I had it in me to stand up for myself.
I often think about how to deal with bullying with Milo. At least in the beginning, I do wonder what side we'll end up on. I feel it'll be important to keep tabs on Milo's innate tendencies to help guide him to the side of gentleness and compassion, and confidence. I don't know if I'm making any sense, but I guess I feel like right now he's kind of a blank canvas and it'll be up to DH and I to shape Milo's social skills. At the same time, we have to wait and see what raw materials we have to work with.
If his growth rate so far is any indication, Milo's going to be a big kid. Tall for sure. I hope that we can help him to grow up to be confident but compassionate, and that his size will help keep bullies at bay. At the same time, I don't want him to feel fettered. If he's got to stand up for himself, I just hope he will learn to know his own strength. DH and I are pretty mild-mannered by nature, but when push comes to shove, we have been known to shove back. I just really hope we can provide the right balance so that Milo will use his strength to support others, not hurt them.
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