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This is an AE. Help me do this.
I'm a regular on a few boards here and I'm sure a few of you would recognize me. I prefer to use an AE to discuss this issue. I know you all tell it like it is, plus, you're hilarious, so...help me out.
I have a relative who is infertile. She's had multiple IUIs, and at least 4 IVFs. She had some great embryos (including what the doc called a morula), and has miscarried every time. She's 31 and has been trying for 7 years. It's all taking a crazy toll on her and on her husband, and I ache knowing that I could almost certainly have children if I wanted to...but I don't...yet she can't have any.
I am in my late 20s and fertile to the best of my knowledge. I do not plan to ever have children; part of this is because I have no interest in pregnancy, and part of this is because I have no interest in having kids. My H is on the same page.
I kind of experienced a change a few months ago, wherein I just sort of realized that I'm not getting any younger, and that I'm only going to live once. I've made plans to go back to school so I can start a job that I love and is fulfilling, I am in the early stages of quitting my job and planning a massive vacation of sorts (several months), and I've been really taking time to take care of myself (working out, cooking, reading, etc).
I feel like I want to be a surrogate for her. While I would not feel comfortable doing anything involving my own genetic material, I know they have many embryos left at this time. I am not sure how to decide if I really want to do this. Do you remember that thread a few years back in which people posted all about the "nastiness" of pregnancy? It was epic, and it was terrifying. I don't really *want* to do all of that, and I really like my body how it is. But...it would be for a wonderful reason, and that matters more to me than my body.
Of course, I don't even know if she wants a surrogate. I'm not sure how to broach the topic. I'm not sure of how it works with my life...with my job (do I get 6 weeks under FMLA?), with my insurance, etc. How would it work anyway, since I'm about 4 hours from her? Would I travel to her doc for the first stuff (up to transfer) and then see an OB where I am for follow up?
There are a ton of question marks, and since I've never even considered being pregnant, I've never thought about this stuff.
Do you have any advice?
Re: This is an AE. Help me do this.
I think the emotional ability to do something like this is far more important than readiness for physical changes. You have to be prepared for the conflicting emotions that would come when you ultimately bond with this child inside you and start to question if you want a baby (this one?) yourself. I can't imagine that not happening at some point.
Threads like that show the worst that happened to everyone, so it's not like all of that would apply (one or two may, but not all). Overall pregnancy wasn't bad, but I'd like to reverse some of the permanent changes.
Do you think your family member even wants your help or would be open to using someone they know as a surrogate? I think that complicates things a lot.
To the best of my knowledge - as long as your company is large enough to fall under FMLA, yes, you should fall under it. It's for the RECOVERY from birth, along w/ the taking care of a newborn.
Being 4 hours - ultimately, it would all be about coordination. In the end, the embryo's can be transferred to another clinic, so you could probably find one closer to you to use.
And yes, after the transfer, you would be able to see your own OB. But realize too that they may want to be able to go w/ you to certain appts - to hear the heartbeat the first time, if you get an ultrasound, etc. I would hope you'd offer that to them, regardless. It's all a very exciting part of being PG!
So.... there ARE a lot of things to think about and juggle. But obviously you have to offer in the first place, and they'd have to accept. You'd also probably want to check w/ your insurance company to see what they would cover.
Good luck.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Surrogacy is something you need to think long and hard about.
There is emotional toll, but if you are planning on starting a new career that involves schooling, you never know how pregnancy would affect you. What if you end up on bedrest or extremely ill and it affects your coursework. How will that set you back with your life goals? It's great you want to help, but you have to think about what is best for your life.
And am I understanding that you and your spouse are considering your own children right now? This could affect that. You really never know.
So those are things you must consider and not just decide to do this because you feel bad for her.
No. Neither of us ever wants to have children. Not now, not ever.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
So what happens if pregnancy changes your mind and not your H's (or vice versa)?
So what happens if pregnancy changes your mind and not your H's (or vice versa)?
I don't understand what you're getting at here. Why would that have an effect on her being a surrogate? This is a problem that could crop up regardless of if she did it or not.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
My point is it would be naive to think that going through a pregnancy and birth (or watching your spouse do those things) will have no impact on your own family choices. I think it would be prudent to consider the fact that one of you may change your mind through this process and be sure that you're willing to accept that if it happens.
I think Wendy is suggesting that being pregnant and experiencing having a baby growing inside her may change her or her H's feelings on having children.
Yes, and while one of them may change his/her mind eventually either way, putting ourself intentionally into a situation likely to influence your opinions on something so important warrants some extra discussion.
Ok well if you don't plan to have kids of your own, you need to seriously think about how willing you are to change your body significantly. Tears, c sections and other things can have an impact on your future sex life, body image, etc. I knew that going in, but I knew I was willing to go through it for us to have a family. I don't think could do it if I never planned on having my own kids.
And keep in mind that not all of those changes are cosmetic or superficial sometimes.
I have a friend who tried to have a surrogate carry a baby for her. There was a pretty intense contract between her and the surrogate, including additional fees for bedrest, c-section, twins, etc. I'm assuming you are not interested in accepting money, but are potentially interested in having your medical bills paid for. Either way, I would strongly urge you to have a solid contract in place before you enter into this situation. Just to try and plan for any contingencies.
As for whether or not you can/want/will do this, that's for you and your family member to decide. It's so personal.
I am doing IVF with donated eggs, and have had a friend offer her eggs. In the end, we decided an anonymous egg donation would be best for us. Although, if my sister were a good candidate for donating her eggs, I'd be all for that. But, for anyone else that I know to donate, I wouldn't do that. Obviously, that's a decision your family member would have to make as far as having a surrogate.
I've also had a friend offer to be a surrogate for me (same friend, she's crazy). I really appreciated the offer, but I want to carry a baby. Of course, my problem is eggs, which is not necessarily what your family member's problem is.
11/11/11 = 5 years. Woah!
Look, I don't want to piss in your Cheerios, or anything. But as someone who reluctantly found out she was pregnant a week ago, to someone who found out she's miscarrying today, I can tell you- the emotions will f' you UP.
Even if you don't think you want a kid, you get a taste of it, and your brain can bend right into a new train of thought. It's completely bizarre how every little aspect of your normal life gets changed and inspected for your "could be" life.
I also didn't want kids. Only in the last year or so (I'm 31), have I really considered that I wanted a family. I was certain for a good ten years of my life. And then when I mistakenly got pregnant, I needed about 48 hours before I felt ok with it. But then I was on board. Just be careful when you assume you can handle the unexpected.
I have actually considered both sides of this, both being a surrogate and donating embryos (that we have frozen also) to a family member. I am the type of person that could easily do it for another person emotionally and have always been prepared for the physical changes my body would undergo being pregnant and afterward. I looked into several places and the process was quite lengthly to just be qualified to be a surrogate. Immediately, me not ever giving birth disqualified me from most of the surrogacy programs (although a relative would probably be different) and those I did qualify for required more testing than I had undergone in my fertility treatments.
First and foremost, make sure your husband is on board, secondly, check with your insurance... mine will not allow for surrogacy medical bills (it is specifically stated with the infertility language that it will not pay for someone else to be a surrogate or if I were to be). I would get FMLA and since I am pregnant I could use my short term disability. Then make sure you are aware of the frozen embryo transfer process. It does require alot of injections (mine were at least two a day) and bedrest after the transfer. Then talk to her about it after you have all the information.
Good luck !! Any questions you have about the transfer process I would be happy to answer. I have been through one IVF cycle and then a frozen embryo transfer. We miscarried the first cycle and then the second was unsuccessful. We had an adoption opportunity soon after that put our treatments on hold. We are still up on the air as to whether we will try again soon. Either way, you are an amazing individual for even thinking so selflessly about carrying someone elses child for them.