Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
my family is crazy.
I'll try to make it concise...
Backstory: The past year of my life has been hell. I had a severe hormonal imbalance which caused really awful depression, anxiety, weight loss, tremors, hair loss, heart palpitations, chest pain, insomnia, and so on. It was truly awful. I am lucky I kept my job, although barely was able to function or work. I can't even articulate the pain I was in. It's been a year in the making, but it's mostly under control. I still sleep 10 hours per night and have some mild depression on and off through the day, but it continues to improve every day.
I was supposed to get married in May, but was so sick we postponed the wedding. We eloped on December 17th, and it was a beautiful day. (we had planned to elope from the time we got engaged, this was not a new plan)
The day after I get married, my stepdad called me to tell me that my mother had a complete breakdown the day I got married and was not functional. He said that she felt as though she was losing me and being pushed out of my life during the year I was so sick. (she knew what had been going on) She had apparently been falling apart, but never mentioned any of it to me.
My stepdad tells me that she is angry about it, and that he thinks it would help if I would sit down and talk with her. I told him that I was happy to talk with her, but she needed to call me herself and I'd talk about anything she liked. (according to him she was not up to talking on the phone that day)
She's been pretending to be fine for a year, and besides, I was barely surviving, much less able to call her more or visit or whatever. I'm also really angry because he called me the day after I got married to dump this responsibility on me, and half heartedly congratulated me after dumping this on me. I've never been rude or mean to my mother, so if she has a problem with anything I said it was merely a misunderstanding or miscommunication.
It makes me feel as though what I was going through didn't matter because I wasn't doing enough for them. I'm so angry that they had to put this dark cloud over our mini-honeymoon (we didn't even take a big trip because I'm still tired a lot) and now my mom hasn't called since I got married. This is a woman who used to call me every 2-3 days.
I've gone through so much, and just married a wonderful man who has supported and loved me through such an ordeal. They get along with him just fine, so to my knowledge they have no problem with him either.
I'm not sure if there's a question in there or if I'm just ranting. It's hard to process, and I thought I'd just dump it here to see if anyone else had experienced similar situations as well.
Re: my family is crazy.
It's amazing how she's turning this around and making it about her. Having dealt w/ my stepmother giving us the "cold shoulder" at times over perceived slights to HER idea's of manners, etiquette, etc, I have very little tolerance for this crap. (I went through a 3 month cold spell from her not long after I got married myself!)
You have to do what you're comfortable with, but when/if you do eventually talk to her - I don't know that I'd be striving too hard to appease her and make HER feel good. I feel my basic message would be "This past year was hell for me and I'm stunned that you're making this about you and how I wasn't there for you - during one of MY darkest periods. I don't have the energy to try and make YOU feel better.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
first i'm glad youre feeling better-sounds like a really difficult time for you!
LOL you dont think that getting married creates a certain time limit for people to not bother you wtih drama do you? well in case you did i'll tell you it doesn't. getting married does not alow you a week, 3 weeks, 4 months of drama free life.
Your mama is a drama llama!
It's not your responsibility to make your mom feel "included," in your life - your suffering, your marriage, etc.
As a parent, I can say that when my child is sick (and I'm talking fevers, 2-3 days of illness), it can be worse for me (emotionally) than for them, but I can also say that I would never in 10 million years come back at them and blame them for not being there for me!
This is really about your mom being an AW. It's her problem, and remember that she chooses her feelings. She can feel the way she does, or just feel relieved that you are well enough to get married, happy that you still have a job, etc. She is CHOOSING to feel the former.
I think you've been given excellent advice, and I would just add one thing.
I have noticed that when people go through major periods of stress or life change (such as a major illness or a wedding) for a while it seems like people's relationships come to revolve around that thing. Perhaps what's behind your mom's selfish behavior is that she's expressing how much she misses the "normal" way things used to be. Or she may be mourning the fact that your engagement and wedding didn't go down in the way she'd always imagined her daughter's would.
Also, you don't know how much of what your step-dad's saying is HIS interpretation of your mom's behavior at home. You were smart to tell your stepfather to have her call you. Just be open-minded when you talk to her, because it's entirely possible he's somewhat exaggerated her behavior. Maybe she's just feeling melancholy about things, with no intention of guilt-tripping you, and he took it upon himself to be a "good husband" and do something about it by calling you.
Just keep an open mind and hold off on judging your mom until you have a chance to talk to her yourself.