Starting Over
What are your thoughts on this? When I got hired into the company where I currently work (and have worked for nearly the last 6 years), XH admitted to me that it bothered him I made more money than he did. Mind you, it was literally $30 more per paycheck than him...but it still bothered him. When he lost his job due to the company shutting down, it got worse. And when he was on unemployment? Forget about it. You would think that he'd be grateful I had a good job that could sustain our family while he found a new job. I never once said anything to make him feel poorly about his employment situation, and I even held back talking about things that were going well for me professionally because I wanted to avoid a shitstorm.
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Were you the breadwinner? Discuss.
I was reading an article about effective co-parenting and I stumbled across another article that talked about how women who were the breadwinners in a marriage were 40% more likely to divorce than those who weren't. The major reasons were 1) She had a stable income and could "afford" go to through the divorce process compared to SAHM's or similar. 2) Having the breadwinner title in the household caused a strain on the marriage due to the husband's prideful ego and 3) The husband felt threatened by his successful wife (not that he was admitting to it) and left her before she could leave him.
What are your thoughts on this? When I got hired into the company where I currently work (and have worked for nearly the last 6 years), XH admitted to me that it bothered him I made more money than he did. Mind you, it was literally $30 more per paycheck than him...but it still bothered him. When he lost his job due to the company shutting down, it got worse. And when he was on unemployment? Forget about it. You would think that he'd be grateful I had a good job that could sustain our family while he found a new job. I never once said anything to make him feel poorly about his employment situation, and I even held back talking about things that were going well for me professionally because I wanted to avoid a shitstorm.
Even today, since I'm still in the same job (making a decent salary) and he has been job-hopping since our split, that makes me a materialistic, selfish, spoiled brat :::eyroll:::
Has anyone else had the breadwinner-complex play a role in their separation/divorce?
Just trying to get some dialogue going to get me through a Friday afternoon 
Re: Were you the breadwinner? Discuss.
I was the breadwinner. I went to college, he never did (didn't really want to...I encouraged it but he was too "scared").
It caused a lot of strain on our marriage. Our financial goals and ideals were completely different.
It still plays a part in our "relationship" (if you can call it that...) because he is court ordered to pay for half of the girls' medical bills (he doesn't) and about $500 a month in support. He pays his support but every time I get a check, I have to hear about it. And that is always the first thing he goes for...being angry over money, that I make "SO MUCH MORE" than he does, etc etc.
Problem is, what he pays me every month barely covers HALF of daycare for the girls. That doesn't include any of their school lunch money, medical co-pays, prescription co-pays, incidentials...
The only reason I think he wanted to stay with me in the first place was because of my income.
Good riddance.
Well, I wasn't until XH lost his job, and then he still probably made more money than me "under the table". However, I have a college degree and post-college credentials and XH only had a HS diploma. I think this bothered him and I believe he also felt like I was too good for him and that was intimidating. I think that his need for constant validation stemmed from this and probably was one of the reasons that he sought out other women and cheated.
Next time around I want someone who compliments me more and is on the same level, as far as intelligence. I don't care if I make more money than them, but I won't "dumb myself down" in a relationship again. If someone is douchetastic enough to feel intimidated by my success then I don't want anything ot do with them.
Yeah, I was mostly the breadwinner. XH had a job when we first got together, but he wasn't making too much over min. wage.
Then he was unemployed for almost a year, starting from 2 months after the wedding. He received unemployment, but it just covered his school loans and part of our rent.
When he finally did get a job again, he was making significantly less than me.
But you know it's interesting. I never really thought about this in relation to our marriage. My thought process the entire time was: "I have a stable job, I can at least support myself no matter what happens." Talk about lack of a teamwork mentality...
Occasionally I made more than he did, but it wasn't a factor in our relationship. He was always happy and proud whenever I got a raise and/or promotion. More money for me meant more money for us.
There's no chance of this being a factor with BF and I - not only because of his personality, but because his career is much more lucrative than mine.
ETA: My BFF's XFI was like this and he resented her for it. It wasn't the sole cause for their split, but it was one of many incompatibilities that surfaced. I remember telling her that she needed to find someone who was comfortable in his own skin and didn't constantly compare himself to her.
I was the breadwinner for our entire marriage. I went to college, he tried it -- 3 times -- and failed out. We worked in the same field, but I have a director level job and he has an admin assistant job. We even worked at the same university for a while (I got him the job, because he was miserable where he was and didn't know what to do). He would complain all the time about "why do people always ask if I am your husband" or "I hate being known as AK's husband at work" ... well, I am well respected for what I do, I do it well, I helped a lot of people at that university, I have a name for myself. What did he expect? He hated it.
Now I make more than double what he does. He knows it and reminds me of how hard things are for him (which he still makes a decent salary and if he lived within his means he'd be totally fine) every time he sends me the stinky little $90 check to pay for 20% of after school care.
I vowed when I got divorced to never marry a man who didn't have a career he loved. I don't care about being the breadwinner. It is more about whether or not he does something he is passionate about and has a career he is proud of so that when I do well at work, he is happy for me and doesn't think "Oh great ... she did it again" like my ex did.
Yea. Have been the entire relationship. I have a Bachelors in Finance and Accounting. He just got (as in Nov 2010) his Associates in Mechanical Engineering.... just as the engineering field fell through. From a month after we were married until I found out I was pregnant, he worked 11 hours a week at a minimum wage mall job. I made more a day than he did a week. And he said it bothered him. I told him repeatedly "I don't want to be the breadwinner! I would LOVE for you to make more money than me, but that is not going to happen unless you look for a better job!" When I found out I was pregnant, he got a job at IKEA. I still make 2.5X what he does....
But things ended because of his affair.
Lurker coming out - been going through the divorce process since September (no kids).
I'm the bread winner. It was never really an issue for me/us. I'm 31 and have been with STBX since I was 18. I got a B.S. (currently working on my Masters) he has an Associates. The only argument we usually ever had was about him going back to school. He always had some excuse why he "couldn't" or why it wouldn't work out at the time. Fine, I stopped caring, didn't want to have that argument anymore...he was happy where he was and we were fine financially so I dropped it. He decided to go back to school about a year ago. Great!
But now, 13 years later, and he's mad that he "won't have the income" to get out from under this divorce. I'm just annoyed that he's trying to blame me for my salary. Like this was my plan all along to get divorced and screw him over in the end. Look...I had no control over what you chose to do with your life.
Hmm, interesting replies! I make significantly more than h, and I'm now realizing that it bothered him more than he ever admitted. When I got my last promotion, he made huge deal of it, acted like he was so proud of me, but he did say once, "I guess now you make enough money to leave me."
It also started to bother me. The further I've advanced in my career, the more it's bothered me that he wasn't interesting in advancing his.
Yes, I was. Ex made just enough money to pay his bills and get by. When we moved in together and he had access to my income, his spending habits increased significantly. Suddenly he thought nothing of spending on things that he never would have before. It caused problems because our goal was to save for a house, not to spend like crazy. But he insisted that it was now "our" money and he could spend as he pleased without my approval. Ugh...don't think so buddy.
Also, he wanted us to follow traditional gender and relationship roles. I worked full-time and brought in most of the money and I was also expected to do all of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. with no help from him. Oh, and we lived in a condo and then a townhouse, so any of the manly jobs - outside type work - weren't necessary. How convenient for him.
Overall, he was very controlling and manipulative and that was the biggest issue. He wanted to control me and rule the house. I didn't necessarily need to be in control, but I was looking for more of an equal partnership.
Funny how we all went to college and settled for non-college douchebags...
Same situation here. My current SO has college and is smarter than me in many regards (he speaks 4 languages, etc.) I still make more money, but we both have stable employment worthy of promotions. That is key for me. He could easily earn more in the future.
I have no problem being with someone that didn't go to college. If they have managed to keep a steady job with at least some room for growth and they like what they do, that's fine. It just sucks now that it's being thrown in my face because he's losing his sugar-momma.
I haven't been married yet but in my last relationship I made about 35K more than him and it definitely bothered him, even though I didn't care. My current BF was married before and over the years sometimes he made more and sometimes she did, not always by a huge margin but when she was the higher earner it caused strain, not because he felt emasculated but because she would feel she had the final say in all financial decisions because she was bringing in more. It would lead to arguments which were eventually part of their demise. Now, BF makes slightly more than I do and we both like feeling like "equals" in that respect. I think it can be hard if one person makes a lot more than the other regardless if it's the man or the woman. I like to feel like I'm contributing equally.
XFI and I were students for part of the relationship, and he has quite a bit of money in stocks, so he was always the provider then. Once we graduated, I went to grad school, where I got free tuition and a decent stipend, got my own apartment, etc., and he couldn't find a job, so he continued to live with his parents. I don't think that the money thing was much of an issue, although he got very depressed and frustrated with having so much difficulty finding a job (I don't blame him--I went through the same thing when I was unemployed!).
BF's XW1 made more than he did, but not by much. XW2 was, in theory, a writer, but in reality, a SAHM, so he made significantly more than her. He outearns me by about 30%, but we both earn a good wage, and the discrepancy is to be expected, given that he is more established in his career than me. There may come a time when I out-earn him (particularly once he retires!), and he has said that he doesn't mind one bit.
Yes, I was also the breadwinner. I made more than twice what XH made. The last couple years that we were married, I worked my a$$ off to cover bills since he was in school and barely working. After failing out of his paramedic program THREE times (which cost a bloody fortune) he became pretty resentful towards me, wound up having an affair, and left me.
My DH now makes more than I do. He appreciates my success and intelligence instead of resenting it. He is also way more ambitious and responsible than XH.
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A friend of mine (also divorced) sent me a very similar article when we were both going thru our breakups -- I think items 2&3 rang very true for both of us. I'd always been the breadwinner - XH mooched off of my the whole time he was in college and then I continued to make more money than he did once he finished school. I know that he definitely had some ego issue with "mama bringing home the bacon" as it came up in more than one discussion. I always thought this was strange since he had no problem spending my/our money without a thought to how bills would get paid. I hate to think that this is true, but I can definitely see where it might be the case.
When we first were married, XH made more than I did (similar education - both bachelors) but halfway through the marriage my income surpassed his and near the end I made significantly more money. It was definitely one of the reasons for our difficulties. Once I was successful, and then even more once I was pregnant / a mother, he lost all desire to have sex with me. Nice.
I'm glad you brought this up too, PIP, as it's an interesting discussion.
I made more money than my XH - not by a ton, but probably $10K or so. I didn't think it was an issue at the time, but he would always find ways to dig into me about that. "well, you make so much more money than me so you should (insert something ridiculous here)." He would come up with ideas to invest our money ins something that wasn't wise too - like stocks right before the market crashed. Granted that is also half my fault for trusting in him so much with the money aspect of our marriage. Still paying off that mistake.
He also didn't have as much schooling as I did. I was getting my Masters degree when we met, and he had his Associates. During our marriage he was working toward his Bachelors, but he would want "help" with some of his classes. I got so annoyed - I already went to school buddy, and even then I didn't let people cheat off me! After we got a divorce he finally graduated.
So looking back - yes, I think it was an issue on his part. Thankfully BF has none of those issues. He makes more money than me anyway (but is also further along in his career).
Hey now, I"m one of those "no-college douchebags" I guess. And yet, I was still the breadwinner. I was in fact the only one working for the second half of our 3 year relationship. Everytime we fought I'd budget and think about how much easier I could afford everything without having to support him. Knowing that he had absolutely nothing without me actually made me feel bad earlier on, and was one reason I just couldn't leave him. Of course the second he told me he cheated all sympathy went out the window and I kicked him to the curb.
I was the breadwinner and had no problem with that - it's actually funny to call myself the breadwinner being a teacher
But I am going to disagree that I want to date/marry a man that has a career he is passionate about. My Ex had just this type of job/career and it was a HUGE issue. It was all about his passion and it became an obession. More important than family. He earned NO money, took vacations without DD and I (to "further his career) and spent tons of free time engaging this passion. It was the kicker for me.
Having a stable income did make it somewhat easier for me to divorce, but it still sucked immensely. I only stayed to try to make it work for my daughter, not for any monetary reasons. I knew I would be OK.
I made more than my XH. It wasn't like that when we first got together, but I was also fresh out of college so I wasn't making much. By the end of our marriage, I made almost 50% more than he did.
Me making more than him caused some tension, but I think it was really just another issue in a long list of issues that made him feel emasculated and made me feel not very womanly or feminine. I also didn't feel like he was ambitious, which irritated me so much. I didn't care how much he made as long as I felt like he was trying to better himself, but he was content with his place in life.
My current SO makes quite a bit less than me too, but he is very much the "man" in our relationship and he makes me feel very feminine. I don't have to be the same woman at home as I do at work, which is how it was with my XH. He is also far more ambitious than my X ever was.
Even if it doesn't work out with my current SO, there is a good chance that I'll make more than whoever I date since my current salary is above average (though certainly not rich by any stretch of the imagination.) So I am trying to make sure I work through any issues I have with making more than whoever I'm dating.
I was definitely the breadwinner. Even when I was a SAHM, I still was the breadwinner and brought in more income doing things on the side (catering, culinary teaching, food related projects, etc) than he did when he worked fulltime.
Part of this was due to his poor work ethnic... in that he found it difficult to keep a job.
LOL! My personal version is "Make sure you date guys who are smarter than you, so you don't resent them." Seriously. I have a lot of trouble dating guys that I don't think are smarter (book smart or street smart) than me. But I've always been attracted to brains.
As for the original question - I wasn't really the breadwinner, but if you included my ex-pat benefits, I made almost twice what XH made. I don't think it contributed to our split, because it wasn't strictly salary. It was housing, travel, etc and I got more money because of XH. Plus, we already knew before the split that my contract would expire early this year, at which point I will probably be making a tiny bit less than him.
However, not being financially dependent on him definitely made it easier to decide to split up. Divorce in Norway is free (aside from two stamps to mail in the application forms), so the "cost of a divorce" was never even an issue.
ETA - Maybe he agreed to split because I was losing my cushy benefits. No more sugar momma, so it was time to cut me loose and find a younger model. (and I'm totally kiding! I really don't think finances had anything to do with our problems)