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Hello, intro and advice
Hi all,
I found this particular board a couple weeks ago and have been lurking. I thought I would introduce myself so hello there.
Backstory: My XH was/is an alcoholic/addict, always was, but getting pregnant opened my eyes further and gave me what I needed to leave - the responsibility of another life and the want for a better life for us. I left last Feburary/March after an failed attempt to get him help (he did not want it for himself nor the baby). He was pretty pissed.
Now: I have sole physical custody of my beautiful, smart, and funny 6 month old daughter. It has been just us two (in my folks house) since I left. I have family support, and even though I pay rent to my folks I am looking to move out in the next few months. DD's father visits for a couple hours EOW. He is still pissed. I am not aware of his addition status at this point. I am not sure if I ever really did love him or if I was going through the motions.
Advice: I have been dating someone for a few months now. We have always been friends since we were little (our mothers are old college friends) and he reached out to me back in May (when I was still pregnant), has been there, and it turned romantic. We are taking it slow (especially physically) however have expressed our feelings towards each other very honestly. I am at the point now where I know that even though my feelings are very important and strong - they are not everything - for me and DD I know that "love can never be enough" again. There are some issues I want to address - mainly sometimes the lack of attention between dates or events. He is completely attentive when we are together but will go 5 days without text/email/call where it used to be everyday a few months back. How do you turn off your emotions and deal with the issues? Any and all advice welcome.
Re: Hello, intro and advice
This might be a dumb question, but have you sat down with him and talked about expectations for text/email/calling? If you would like to hear from him more often, I'd say you sit down and talk about what works for you both and find a compromise.
This doesn't sound like something that should involve emotions, to be honest. Is there a chance that you might not be ready for a relationship right now? You had a bad relationship and then started seeing this guy while pregnant. You're emotions must have been all over the place not to mention hormones messing with your head.
Just thinking outloud!
I have not sat down and talked to him about the communication details/issues/expectations, I guess I think/thought if he was like that before, why not now, and should I have to tell/ask him to text me or should he really want to know about my days. That is why I have emotions involved in the issue.
As far as the emotions thing, I was in denial that he "liked" me or even could in my situation while I was pregnant - talked to my counsler about this extensively - and my feelings developed more after DD was born (FF mom so no BF hormones) and really thought about what I was feeling for days before I really let myself feel them. But completely warrented thought!
Oh and I met XH at 22, so adult dating is weird to me
Glad you talked to your counselor about it! They only reason I wondered was because the end of a relationship is soooo emotional, then through in some crazy pregnancy brain and you have one heck of a rollercoaster! My kids are older and when I look back on that first year of their lives, I wonder how I managed because my head was all over the place all the time!
Anyway, just talk to him about what your expectations are for communicating. He might not know this is an issue and I would think this could be very easily resolved.
Just a suggestion, a few of the ladies here have done some relationship quiz/book things that really help start conversations about expectations. I don't know the names, but I'm sure someone could suggest some!
Welcome! I had a similar situation - a relationship right out of separation that I KNEW was much too soon, but it just "happened" as he was an old high school friend. It was an emotional rollercoaster and when I finally got courage to end it, it sucked for a few days and then I felt better. Looking back, I knew it was much too soon and I kick myself for allowing it to continue.
Possibly take a break for a bit and leave the option open to try again in the future?
It doesn't sound like you two are that into each other. You have been dating him only since last May, which is about 8 months. I think that if he's the right person for you, he'd be heads over heels in love with you by now and wouldn't go days without talking to you. That's just a thought. You don't seem to be that heads over heels in love with him either.
If you still want to see where this relationship goes, you need to at least tell him that it bothers you that he doesn't give you enough attention. I don't blame you, I couldn't go through an entire day without hearing from my H.
Thank you for your insights! After reading them, a little reflection, and some conversation with an IRL friend - where I got to hear all of my thoughts/concerns out loud - I am definatly taking a step back. When he next wants to contact me he can -if he is still that into me he will and we will talk. I am still into him, however, I realize that I need to get what I want for my life and DD's life down on paper and look at what needs to happen to get some of that done (i.e. move out of mom and dads', save some back up money, get organized, etc).
Also I think I realize where this may have (I won't say gone wrong, rather vered off path for now) - I think "BF" and I both expressed our wants and emotions both too soon and before we really started the acts of dating per say. So a little a$$ backwards if you will - so something to learn from, but easy to fall into I think when you already know someone.