Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
House chores/cleaning dilemma
Hey. What's up. I have a dilemma and I just need some input. I just turned 24 and my husband is 22. We got Married in October of 2011. Ok, here we go. He works at a Hog factory 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I'm trying to finish up school (I was supposed to Graduate in Decemeber, but had a set back so it won't be for a while.) I'm going to be taking 1 class this semester. He pays most of the bills, while I do get some SSI (long story) I do help pay for my own car insurance, cell phone bill, and help with groceries. I don't have a job, so I wash dishes, do both our laundry, take out the trash, vaccum and mop the floors, and clean the house in general (dust, pick up, etc...) so basically I do ALL the housework.
My husband doesn't do a really good job picking up after himself (leaving pop bottles, pop cans, empty bag of chips, snack wrappers, etc on the floor.) and when I do his laundry I put it in a laundry basket and he doesn't put his clothes away. I have tried talking to him about this MANY times...he will say he's sorry. When I go to pick up stuff, he will tell me to leave it and that he will get it, in which case something else distracts him and forgets to do it or (I feel like) he make excuses. And over and over with the same cycle. This is the 1st time we have both moved out of our Parents house and into a house by ourselves. His parents are separated and basically just did his laundry for him. When he lived with his Dad, he still didn't pick up after himself very well. I am concerned with what will happen in the future when I do get a full time job.....I'm concerned that I will still be stuck doing all the housework. What do you think?
Re: House chores/cleaning dilemma
This. When we first moved in together before getting married, I pretty much did everything around the house. He never lifted a finger growing up, thanks to his Italian mom. One day I got sick of it and just stopped doing it. Eventually he got tired of the way things looked around the house and pitched in. However, it doesn't always work. I had a friend try this with her bf and it didn't do anything other than leave a bigger mess for her to clean up.
My husband's pretty messy too, and VERY messy when left to his own devices if I'm not here. I could give you many examples like things you listed....leaving soda cans around, coffee cups, he's always leaving my kitchen towels around instead of putting them back to hang on the oven....but I pick my battles. A lot of them are little things I've tried making him change his habits about, and sometimes he does what I want and sometimes he forgets. It's a work in progress.
I seem to have an understanding with H though. Usually anytime I ask him to do something for me (such as putting clothing away or unloading the dishwasher), he does it. And if he gets distracted like your H does, I just ask him to do it again. Don't do it for him, just keep asking him to do it. Maybe try that and he'll get the point and get better about it? And don't whine about it, but ask him respectfully like it's the first time you're asking him. I think if I sound like I'm whining to him then he's less inclined to listen. :-P
Don't let yourself "get stuck" doing all the housework just because you're the woman. Ask him to do things, and actually have him do it. They don't have to be big things but a lot of little stuff helps. If he's anything like my H, any cleaning he does isn't exactly up to my standards (he has really awful attention to detail)....but if you can train him well enough you could teach him how to clean the bathroom, or how to run the vacuum without missing spots, doing the laundry etc... and one or a few chores could go a long way in keeping the place fairly well-kept.
Admittedly, our house gets messier and dirtier when I'm working and I'm not at home to do most of the cleaning (I'm out of work right now, seasonally). Then I usually pick a day on the weekend to do the house and/or yardwork, and if we went away for a weekend then I would only do minimal things during the week to keep it acceptable until I/we get a chance for a good cleaning day. That might work for you too.
I think my H did have to do chores like this when he was a kid living at home, but living so many years as a bachelor have really taken their toll and I think it will take a long while to re-train him. Have patience! But be firm too and don't make yourself do all the work just because it's easier not to ask him!
You've just got to figure out what works on getting him to help. For my H, he likes us to do it together. If I'm washing the dishes, I ask him to store leftovers, wipe the counters down, etc. If I'm folding the laundry, he's the ones that gets up and puts it in the washer and then the dryer. He's the one that vacuums while I do the Swiffer wet jet. We just divide things up, and he picked the things he hates to do the least, ha ha.
Maybe for your H, give me an idea of things that need to get done, and stick it somewhere he'll see it. Or send him a text while you're at work asking him to to pretty please take out the trash.
Or maybe, if it's in your budget, hire a cleaning service. Cut out your Friday night dinner, or getting your nails done or something, to have someone come in every other week. If you don't have any pets or children, things probably don't get too dirty. That way, there's no argument about it. Might be worth your sanity
You take one class and have no other job. While he works 8 hours a day in a factory (curious, Hog=motorcycle or hog=animal processing?)
You are a housewife. Sorry, you're supposed to do the bulk of the housework. Put the poor guy's laundry away for him.
No, I do NOT believe that you should be doing all the housework because you are a woman. You should be doing it just to pull your own weight in your own home. Because you aren't taking care of little kids and you aren't bringing in money. So what do you have to contribute besides the housework?
However, I also don't believe that he should be tossing trash on the floor. He can do some basic stuff to not make a bigger mess - like put dishes in the sink and putting his stuff away.
First I would talk to him. Tell him that you are doing more now because you're not working but you expect him to pull his own weight once you are working too. And then talk about your pet peeves and ask him to try to not do those things because they bother you so much (try to keep it to the top 2 or 3 things that bother you most). Finally, remember it's his place too. And having some areas that are messy and cluttered with his junk are not going to kill you.
When I first moved in with FI (boyfriend then) I did almost all the housework. I was having a hard time finding full time work, so that is how I thanked him. When we bought our house, it carried over and one day I got fed up with it. I asked him to do a few things, and he would sometimes, but they weren't even close to being done. One day I got really mad and he realized that I was not happy with the way chores were always my job. (I had a full time job by then.) I wrote a list of all the things I do around the house and he picked his half. (I HATE taking garbage out, he hates cleaning the bathroom.) It is still a struggle to get him to do his list, but we are getting there. He is stubborn, and so am I. Baby steps.
Similar situation myself.
One thing that can help immediately, is notice where all those pop cans etc. keep piling up on the floor. They're probably in a pile, and probably within arm's -radius of a chair or other perch your husband spends time at. So start by putting garbage bags in all those places. Something as simple as a regular little cardboard box with a grocery bag in it for a garbage bag. You might need more than one in each room like the living room where there's more than one place to leave piles of stuff.
My H is a gamer, and I learned pretty quickly that he's not really a slob, he just get's sucked into what he's doing. If there's a garbage can within arm's reach, he uses it without a fuss.
My laundry tactics might not work for everyone, but it's worth a try:
I wash and fold laundry, and leave his laundry stacked [nicely] on his side of the bed. So all he has to do is drop it into his dresser drawers right next to the bed. At least he has to move them off the bed to come to bed, even if they only get crammed all together into the nearest drawer; and I have no problem if he wrinkles his own clothing at that point.
In the past when I've tried this, I've found that people who don't realize they're slobs (or who have a much, much lower cleanliness threshold than I do) can totally outlast me. And then I just have a much bigger pile of dishes to do.
Anyway, I recommend having a designated time, like 15 minutes a night, when you both go around and "pick up" things, together. I think Fly Lady has this suggestion. Put things that don't belong in a particular room in a basket, and then take the basket around the house with you, putting everything in their proper places. Also, make sure everything HAS a proper place. I find my H leaves piles of shoes on the floor next to his desk in the den, because he doesn't have room in his closet, so that IS where they go.
You can also designate a certain time, maybe Saturday morning, where you both work to get the house in spotless condition before you do "fun" stuff. Yeah, it sucks, because there are probably a ton of things you'd rather be doing with your husband when he has time off, but it will help in the long run. If he KNOWS that things get done at x time, he'll be ready and willing to help at that time. You can do the little things throughout the week for now, like sweeping, dishes, laundry, etc. But save a few major things that he can help with, like the bathroom and general organization, for the weekends. It wouldn't hurt to make a sort of check list of what needs to be done during Saturday morning clean up. And instead of "bathroom" be specific - wipe down mirror, scrub sink and faucet, clean toilet bowl with cleaner, wipe down outside of toilet/toilet seat, wipe down counter, mop floor, etc.
40/112
First, pick your battles. MH leaves stuff around too. However, I don't mind taking the random dishes back to the kitchen. What I do mind is when he leaves his wet towel on the bed. He's pretty good with the towel now, so we've moved on to getting his socks in the hamper.
Second, ask him what one thing he really hates doing. You agree to always do that chore, and he can do the one thing you really hate doing. For instance, I hate hand washing dishes, so MH does that, and I dry. (We do have a dishwasher, so it's just the few things that don't go in.)
Finally, ask him what one thing he doesn't mind doing. MH likes using the steam vacuum, so he's the one who does that. I think it helps that that particular chore doesn't need to be done often.
Honestly though, if he's working FT and you're only taking one class, it makes sense for you to do most of the housework and limit YH's to two or three things. MH has a much busier schedule than me, so I do most of the housework. ok, it's time for me to move MH's clothes to the drier.
LOL, yeah.
My H is the same way. He lived at home for a long time to help care for his sick mother, but she continued to do chores, including all of his, so he can't be bothered to do anything. Given that I'm a SAHM, it's not a huge deal for me to do most of it (and frankly I'm too Type A to like his method of "cleaning" anyway), although I could do without him setting his dirty dishes on the counter just above the dishwasher.
However, this thread is a good reminder that I need to make sure my son learns to carry his own weight around the house. What's really interesting is that even at ages 5 and 4, I can see differences in my DD and DS with regard to attitudes toward cleaning. When I tell them to clean up, my DD does it immediately and with the barest of complaints. My son carries on and cries and whines and pouts and claims he can't do it. When he finally does it, he wants a freaking medal, as though he just cured cancer.