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I need to get this out
I don't even know if I need advice. I have posted before about the fact that I know I am too dependent on my therapist. He and I are working on it. He has seen me through thick and thin and is good for me. I am diagnosed Bipolar (there is question about the diagnosis) and I have anxiety. I am on meds which usually work well. I usually go to therapy once a week. I just had therapy Wednesday after missing 2 weeks because my therapist was on vacation. It felt like I wasn't "done" at the end because I had so much to say.
I do okay skipping therapy for a week. By a week and a half I get antsy. Two weeks or more and I am like a junkie who can't find a fix. I go into therapy and start talking really fast. It seems like dopamine flows more just because I can vent. I just have a ton going on right now. I am so depressed and it feels like I am obsessing about everything. I did call my therapist today so I feel a bit better. He is good at putting boundaries up and will tell me if I call too much etc. I just hate feeling so dependent on him. I hate coming home and ruminating about therapy and obsessing about what was said. On the one hand, I am glad I can call him. On the other hand, it is like I gave in and gave myself a fix. I really am trying not to use the word "I" as much as Casey Anthony. Thanks for reading if you got this far.
Re: I need to get this out
I agree with you. I think a huge problem is that I don't trust my instincts so I always need a sounding board. It is hard now because my generally supportive father has starting "taking the side" of my mom who wants nothing to do with me. In her words I am a disappointment and not living up to my potential.
I would agree that therapy in general is not working except for the fact that I have gone from being totally unstable to this and this is better. There was a point where there was basically a revolving door to the psych hospital. I am now almost 4 years without a hospitalization.
I can offer nothing to this conversation.
I just want you to go watch the movie "What About Bob"
I am also going to ditto maybe a close friend or your husband to vent to? Maybe a journal you can write in or a private blog? If you have racing thoughts etc. do you think you are going through a manic episode?
My housemate is diagnosed bipolar. When he gets into his manic stage he creates To-Do lists like mad and gets a lot of stuff done. He has also credited reigning in his racing thoughts by just writing a whole bunch. If it is faster to type then bust out a word document and go to town. He prints them up and gives them to his therapist. His therapist reads them at a later time or right there in the session. Usually they talk about them in the next session after they've had some time to digest. Maybe that would work for you to "get your fix"?
I'm sorry you are going through this. I am also wondering what your parents are disappointed in. Do they openly tell you they are disappointed or is that the negative replay in your head that you think they are disappointed with you?
Hugs. Talk it out.
I didn't see this part when I replied. I am so sorry that your mom is saying these things to you. Its the last thing that you need. Your "potential" is to feel better about yourself, your decision making processes and thought patterns. That takes time when someone is constantly cycling through patterns of depression.
You'll make it!
This is me, oh so much. A big part of my therapy has been focused on the fact that I struggle with issues of justification, e.g., do I have the right to be angry? do I have the right to be sad? Am I feeling the right way or am I just a crazy person? I always needed confirmation from others.
That was part of what was so complicated about my relationship with my H. He would be cruel, I would be upset, and he would act like he couldn't understand why I was upset. I was in a constant spiral of self doubt about the accuracy of my feelings (it was that way before I met him, that's just part of what kept me trapped)
For me, part of recovery comes from accepting the fact that feelings are feelings, there is no "right" or "wrong" way to feel. It's the self- judgment that really causes me anxiety. Whether I'm happy or sad, it is what it is and what other people think really isn't going to change that.
It's really good that this is out in the open and you are addressing it in therapy. Good luck!
I appreciate all of the replies. I got out a bit tonight so that was good. StevieNix- I haven't seen you in a while. I really do need to learn that it is okay to feel feelings. Anger, sadness, rage etc sometimes I don't need to rush to get rid of the feeling snce it is okay to just feel whatever the feeling is. Everyone here has been so supportive with the exception maybe of the "What about Bob?" comment. Even that made me laugh because I jokingly call myself Bob to my therapist in reference to the movie.
In response to why I am a disappointment to my parents, I made mistakes years ago. I am straightening out those mistakes now. I keep getting asked why I did not do these things years ago. Admittedly, I should have. I can't go back and unring a bell. All I can do is move forward. I am not working. Work would be great and keep my mind off of things. I am looking. There are not a lot of jobs out there. According to my mom, I don't exercise enough. Who out there can honestly say they exercise enough? According to her, my house is a mess. It is a bit cluttered. Hers looks like Martha Stewart just left. I don't need that. It is MY house- she does not get a say. Not that I don't have my problems, but my mom does too and she won't do the therapy thing. We each need to accept that we can't control the other one and we each struggle with that .