Family Matters
meegant
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
FIL passed away, outside looking in
My hubs and I were married the end of October, my father in law passed away early December. My husband is a very quiet man, he has always been one to internalize his problems and emotions, which is how he is dealing with the loss of his father. I don't know how to be there for him when he doesn't talk about it. I haven't been pressuring him other than a "How was your day today?" What is hard is it's not just him, his whole family does not talk about FIL at all. On Christmas we had a light and brief snow, something I took as a sign FIL was with us. When I mentioned it, hubs ignored the comment and never mentioned him all day. I guess grief is different for every family, I am just too new to this family to understand how they grieve. I feel selfish all the time for thinking about my own feelings during this, but I am filled with anxiety, sadness and loneliness, by having to grieve a wonderful man by myself. I love my husband, and watching him go through this in breaking my heart. Anyone else been here?
Re: FIL passed away, outside looking in
Well, this isn't just about how his family grieves, you're his family now and you have a right to grieve in a way that gives/receives support and love, too. I get that this feels like it happened to him and 'them' but it happened to you, too.
What would happen if you told your husband how you felt?
When your DH is ready to talk about his father, he'll talk. My H told me that after the funeral, all he wanted was for people to leave him alone. He felt like everyone who knew what had happened was walking on egg shells around him. I made a point to make life as normal as possible for him.
It took my H almost a year to be comfortable with talking about his father. When we did speak about him, it was difficult and I could tell DH felt sad. Fast forward to today and DH freely brings up happy memories of his father. Time heals a lot of wounds.
If you need to talk with someone about your FIL, find a member from your side of the family who is willing to listen to you. Though my mother had never met my FIL, I was able to talk to her about how I was feeling, which made me feel like I wasn't alone.
Do the creep.
Everyone's different so I don't know if this would work for your H but when my MIL died three years ago, my H didn't talk about it too much. Now that some time has passed, I bring her up whenever I think of her--just little things that cross my mind.
I think he appreciates it. He knows that I still think of her and that she's not forgotten. And it gives him a chance to have a nice moment remembering her. But people are different, plus it might be too raw for your H right now.
My DH's father passed away 2 months before our wedding (few months ago) and he is the same way. It is very hard to know how to help. DH is now going through a short tempered-gonna go off-let's argue phase that is completely not his normal personality. I think only time heals this for them. The holidays and other moments will be esp. difficult and it might be best to be there, ready with a hug, if needed.
I just lost my sister, and if someone I was close to was trying to tell me that snow in winter was really some kind of manifestation of her spirit I'd be really annoyed. I don't like being told how to grieve, especially so ferocious a loss as your dh has suffered, and regardless of how sad you are about it, you cannot think that his father's death is equally as heartbreaking to you as it is to your dh. Mourn how you need to, and let him feel this in his own way, in his own time.
I lost my dad the first year we were married - but it wasn't a surprise. He had been very sick for years. It can be tough on a marriage, especially in the first year when you are still figuring out marriage.
I would jsut tell your DH that if he ever wants to talk you are there to listen at any time. I second telling your own feelings to your mom/family. Your feelings don't compare to DH's/his family. When my dad was sick my ILs (who are icredibly nice) just couldn't *get* how sick he was. Made me furious when they tried, with the best intentions, to talk about him. Good luck, time will make things better.
My sister-in-law was killed in a car accident last January and was the most horrible thing my husband and I have ever been through. I took on a care-giver role and basically made sure their family got through the week - the visitations, programs for the service, the luncheon afterwards I took care of it all so I really didn't give myself time to grieve.
In the meantime my husband, much like yours, internalized everything and tried to stay strong for his parents. I knew he wasn't really dealing with what had happened but I also knew he needed to deal with it in his own time.
A few months later my husband and I went out for a drink after he got out of work and I looked him straight in the eye and said "I need to talk to you about K (his sister)". He said Ok and so I told how sad I was and how I felt it was so unfair to lose someone so fantastic at such a young age. I told him how much I learned about her the week of her death and how I hated learning all of that after she was gone. After I was done talking, he started talking and didn't stop for about two hours. He thanked me for getting him to talk about it because he said otherwise, he wouldn't and he knows he needs to.
To this day I get more choked up about it than he does, but I honestly think that's just the way some guys (and girls) are. I told him that sometimes I just need to talk about it and he said that he would listen whenever I needed to talk. I also talked to some of my friends when I needed to because I didn't want to push it with him and that REALLY helped me a lot.
I am sorry for your families loss.
I'm really sorry for your loss and I can't even begin to understand what that must be like.
My friend's father passed away and I asked him why he didn't talk about it much; he asked me a question that made me think...he said, "Mel, who gets to say how much I should talk about my dad?" I never thought of it that way, but he was right and he deserved some space to grieve.
My buddy can't be compared to your husband of course, but I hope I can give you a tiny insight into what he might be thinking. I truly hope you both get through this; good luck...
My Mom passed away three years ago. I talk about it when I feel like it, but a lot of times I don't feel like it. It doesn't mean I don't miss her or I'm not processing emotions, but there aren't really words to do justice to how I feel sometimes. And yes, if someone told me snow on Christmas was a sign from my Mom, I and my whole family would be pretty damn annoyed.
DH had a good relationship with her and will tell me when he sees things that remind him of her, when he misses her, etc. In turn, I know I can talk to him if/when I feel like talking to him. The thing is he actually listens; he commiserates but he listens and lets me feel however I want to feel.
I just lost my grandmother the week before Christmas. I know that its not the same as losing a parent, but I don't want to talk about her right now. I will need time before I can talk about it. I want people to treat me like everything is normal, maybe that's how your DH is feeling. You should just ask if that's what he wants. If my DH kept trying to cheer me up, I would be seriously annoyed.
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