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In-law troubles
Well, first of all, I'm sure glad to see that other people have problems with their in-laws. I've been with my fiance for a year now and we are getting married in September of this year. He is the most wonderful man and i cannot wait to marry him. His father is just like him, my fiance's personality is the spitting image of his dad's. Therefore I get along with his father wonderfully and the same goes for his father's parents. However, his sister, mother, and mother's mother seem to get on my ever lovin nerves. The three of them are so alike. They are all overbearing and blunt.
When I play video games with my fiance he tends to tell me what to do, upon realizing what he's doing he apologizes and he's gotten a lot better about it. When he does do it, he just says things like "You should..." or "Doing this might help" stuff like that. However his sister demands that you do things and its not just while playing video games. We went hiking and I was apparently doing it wrong and she was directing me how to do it right. I had my camera out and was taking pictures, but not the right way and not the pictures she thought were good. If I didn't take a picture of something she suggested she would get huffy. Keep in mind I'm going to school for Professional Photography.
All three of them have little condescending comments that they say to both my fiance and I. And his mother and sister always have to reiterate how good the food was that they made, thus the reason I "forgot" to bring down my apple pie. Though honestly most of the time her cooking makes me gag and I force it down while saying how good it is. Last time I brought down baked goods my fiance and his dad were like oh these were so good. Then his mom butted in with "wasn't the dinner I made so good?" and his sister quickly answered "Oh yes definitely." Though I almost regret not bringing down my pie because his mother and sister gave me crap about not bringing it down as they bought special ice cream just for it and that they were so looking for it. Granted it didn't sound sincere.
His mom and sister want me to help them find dresses for the wedding and yet we dress opposite. They've both criticized my wardrobe. They both dress like frumpy grandmothers. His mom looks like she's 53 not 43. My grandmother dresses younger than her and so i'm not looking forward to dress shopping with them.
One last thing...this may be just my craziness going, but I can't stand how his mother eats. She chews with her mouth open, takes huge bites of food and then proceeds to talk with all the food in her mouth, sending chunks of food onto the table and stuff dripping all over her mouth.
I'm rather new at this whole in-laws thing. i try not to let what she says bother me, i smile through the horrid food and the eating with her mouth open and such and I try to get along well with his sister. It's just stressful to me to try and keep up with all that. When we visit, i'm happiest watching my fiance and his dad play a video game while his mom and sister knit in the other room. I feel like a horrible fiance because of a lot of this. I guess i'm just looking for some type of advice on how to not let it get to me.
Re: In-law troubles
LOL it's ok, I could go on and on for pages about my inlaws too. A lot of what you said sound like the same type of thing I have to deal with mine!
Question: how close do you live to them? It sounds pretty close if you're spending so much time with them. For that, I am truly sorry. Any chance on moving to put some distance between you? Also, does your fiance know how annoyed you are?
Your inlaws sound like a childish bunch. There's a lot of little things they say that you could *potentially* get over as an adult (meaning, "being the bigger person"), but I understand how hard it is to ignore the comments time....and time.....and time again (x a million). It can sound a little nit picky when you put your complaints in writing (which I have before), but when you have to deal with it repeatedly it really gets overwhelmingly irritating and doesn't seem so small anymore!
You could go about this in two ways, possibly. You could start talking back with your own snippy comments, or you could keep trying to let it roll off your shoulder. I don't know how many times DH has told me to "just accept who they are" and advice like that, but his opinion is very skewed I think! I really don't know how he came out of that family when he seems like such a different person from them!
So, talking back might gain you some ground and respect if you don't feel respected by them, or it might make waves that you don't want or need. Personally, I just keep quiet and bite my tongue a LOT when I'm around the inlaws. But I also (normally) only have to visit them a couple of times a year.
My MIL is obnoxious too. Every time she speaks, it's like she YELLS. Not screaming, but IT'S LIKE SHE'S ALWAYS TALKING IN CAPS LOCK. HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN YOUR CAPS LOCK IS ON?? I think it's because she's a highschool teacher and has been her entire life, so she's a very LOUD talker, if that's what you want to call it. I cringe away sometimes because it's so loud in my ear and it hits my ear drum all the time just the right way and it hurts! Besides that, I notice she picks her nose a lot and it's gross.
I'm sure your cooking is better. And I'm certain your fashion is better too. SIL's fashion is not very good either, and MIL's is the norm I think you see from women in their 60's. Good luck with the dress shopping. I had to go shopping for my wedding dress with the two of them because I had no one else to go with me and it seemed rather expected etiquette-wise. Ugh, I don't need to tell you how that went! See? I could go on and on too!
I'm sure they do annoying things, but a fair amount of this reads as you looking for things to be annoyed about. It's like you're expecting to have IL issues with the females in his life.
Not sure what advice it is you want. Be polite, stand up for yourself if they say something way out of line, and ignore habits that annoy you. But this is minor stuff, not cut them out of your life level. Being a know it all is annoying, not toxic.
I agree with the PP who said you're looking for things to be annoyed at. I did the same thing, plus I think my MIL did the same thing to me. That combination wasn't pretty for awhile.
But a very wise woman (my MIL) said "you can be right or you can be happy". Is your MIL and SIL's self-appreciation annoying? Sure. Are they doing it to get to you? Who knows. Is it gross that your MIL chews with her mouth open and spits crumbs on the table? Of course. But really.... so what?? You can't change them any more than they can change you. Both my MIL and I learned this the hard way about each other, and now that we're both "grown up", we're in the midst of really building an awesome relationship.
And I would absolutely jump on the going to find dresses with them bandwagon. That sounds like an olive branch that they're extending to you to spend time with you, AND you get to help steer them in the direction of the type of dresses you're looking for for the wedding.
If you said that you were going to bring a pie and I went out and got ice cream to go with said pie and you just showed up without it, I might "give you crap" about it too. Its rude to not show up with something that you said you would bring.
Otherwise, they sound like they have no manners. It's annoying, but you just have to deal. Don't let them be mean, but annoying habits are just part of being around people.
It is way too easy to look for annoying habits when you've already told yourself that they are someone very annoying. Make sense? Do your best to try to ignore it. I do. You can roll your eyes, but only to yourself. Find your happy place if that helps (lol). I'm sure a lot of people think you're overreacting to everything, which is probably true but I know how you feel and it's the same for me. I know I overreact to every little thing because I'm way too sensitive and I read into their comments much more than they merit. Having that realization was important to me and it helps take the sting away sometimes.
Sometimes you just need to vent about all the stupid things, even if they aren't significant problems. That's fine! If these obnoxious behaviors are the worst of our problems with our inlaws, that's not too shabby is it? At least they aren't wacko alcoholics or worse!
It does help to try thinking about the positive attributes about them. For example, my MIL is a VERY strong woman, and part of her strong-willed nature is what bothers me sometimes but it's also something to be recognized as a positive. SIL is very smart, I'll give her that. And MIL's mother is....well....she's experienced I guess I could say. An old woman who grew up in such a different time with old roots in Italy...it could get interesting if I ever worked up the nerve to have a conversation with her about her history.
Don't let all the little crap get to you! Do your best with the dress shopping and apple pie scenarios, but don't try to isolate yourself. Nudging them in a better fashion direction might be successful (you never know!) and and even if you aren't complimented on your pies, if you don't look for compliments then you won't miss them!
I think a lot of these things you need to let go. You can choose the way you feel about your MILs eating habits or her needing assurance about her cooking. Also, it is unfair to assume your MIL and SIL are being insincere about praising your baked goods, and rude to committ to bringing down a pie and then not following through.
As far as their criticism / bossiness, you need to be firm "Thanks for the suggestion, but I have my own style of photography." "I'm doing just fine with the hike, thank you, please don't comment any more." If they keep it up, separate from them and hike with your FI and his dad. You can be firm and have boundries without being mean or b*tchy. If they are offended that you don't want their advice - that's their problem. Remember, some people are pushy b/c they are insecure. But it is up to YOU to be secure enough in your own skin to say "no," to them. (While some posters may comment on your age, I personally didn't grow out of people-pleasing until I was 30+, so it is something even older people struggle with - but it is something you need to "outgrow").
Also, there is no reason you need to "hang out" with your MIL/SIL. Your FI apparently prefers his dad's company, so don't feel compelled to visit with the "women-folk." Just spend your time with your fiance and his dad, and read a book or do something that doesn't involve interaction.
I would go dress shopping with them. You are helping them pick THEIR dresses. So let them pick whatever they decide. If they pick up something that only your great-great grandma would wear, tell them "the color is really pretty on you - how do you feel about the dress?" or "that Victorian lace is so exquisite - is this the one you like the best?" Find something positive, and then throw the decision back on them.
Now, if they wanted to help YOU pick out clothes, I would tell them "I'm not shopping for me today," or "I want you to be surprised when you see me in the church." B/c no farging way would I have people who are critical of my style help me buy clothing.
I think Jill got it right when she said these women are insecure. They probably feel they have to prove themselves to you. You may strike them as being brighter, more stylish, and more successful than they are, and they may realize you prefer the company of the men in the family to them. So what do they do? They DEMAND your attention. Childish, for sure, but they may not know any other way.
So how do you make them feel more secure so they can relax around you and lighten up? Don't wait for your FMIL to say what a great meal she cooked -- tell her first (even if you don't mean it -- it's polite) and with a big smile. Tell you FSIL what great idea that shot is, and take it; what'll it cost you, three seconds? Listen their advice on hiking and thank them for it. Make them feel appreciated. And make sure you tell your husband, in their presence, what a great meal/idea/advice you got from them.
They probably want you to go shopping with you because they admire the way you dress, whether they'll admit it or not. So go shopping with them. And show them things you think would look great on them. When they try on things that look good, gush over them -- tell them how great they look, how it brings out the color of their eyes, how it flatters their tiny waist, etc.
I think pretty soon they'll feel you're on their side and they don't have to compete wtth you anymore and they'll be much more pleasant to be around. Aside from the eating thing, that is! There may not be any help for that.
then you know for the future-say you'll bring a pie or nt bring a pie-not MAYBE.
it irritates me to no end when people talk with their mouths full. i'm with you on that one.
however-the bossy and overbearingness-meh-that mmight just be something you need to accept as how they are. some people are bossy, some aren't. if you're not it's fine-they are. you cannot expect everyone to be the same and you do need to learn to deal with people's 'quirks'. you're doing the right thing telling your FI about the issues and venting to him as long as he's ok with it. i do the same thing wtih my DH-and vice versa. we complain about each others families to each other. it works for us-not for all.
as for the dress shopping thing-its fine if you dont want to go shopping iwth them but the reason you give is silly. who cares what they dress like? they'll be your in laws. frankly i'd rather have my DHs mom dress appropriately than show up trying to look like shes 20. that's tacky.
i also think you're trying to find things to be irritated about with them. stop it.