Sex & Romance
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Sorry if this is TMI...
So, FI and I are...trying stuff. We're saving most for after the wedding, however to keep ourselves from ripping into each other like a six year old on a Christmas stocking, we've been doing some stuff that isn't too...invasive, but still mildly satisfying. Please forgive me, we're both virgins so this is pretty new to us, and I find it hard to talk about. I'm embarrassed to admit that my FI's penis completely scares me stiff (haha). I'm okay with handjobs, but he's asked me to blow him a few times, and I just...can't. I've tried, trust me, I've tried. I think it's his semen that scares me the most. I was raised in a religious household, and told to be wary of semen, because of course that's the stuff that gets you preggers. So if I taste it, I start freaking out. Literally. Just the other night, I was trying to blow him and he started to pre-ejaculate, and I started to cry. Cry! I'm horrified with myself, and I'm worried that this won't change once we're married (seriously, it's not like getting married is a magic spell or something). Does anyone have any helpful suggestions? More importantly, can I get someone to assure me I'm not the only one who's afraid of man-junk and the stuff that comes out of it? Sorry if I've disgusted anyone completely, but I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone else. Thanks!
Re: Sorry if this is TMI...
First off, I want to tell you that there is nothing wrong with being weary. I was a virgin when my husband and I got married. We did the same stuff to keep us from ripping each other's clothes off.
Now just like you said, marriage isn't the magical spell to get rid of this fear. It will take time to get use to everything, because you are a virgin this is all new for you. You can't just start something new and expect it to be normal. I am still not use to doing some stuff for my Hubby.
It really will come with time. You just need time to get comfortable with your FI and the new experiences you are and will be having.
Best of Luck!!
If I was you I would head over to the book store (or go online to chapters) and order a book about sex and the body, I'm sure girls here could recommend a good one. If you understand more about what is happening to you and him you might not be so weirded out/scared.
One other thing you can do though if you find the pre-ejaculate a little gross or frightening, get him really wet with your saliva, usually when guys pre-ejaculate they really don't let a lot out and with the saliva you'll hardly notice it any more, if you're panicking then just stop with the mouth for a bit and just use your hand on him until you feel comfortable again.
There are mainstream bookstores that sell couples' sex manuals --- you and he should make a trip there and check some of them out.
The more you learn, the more comfortable you'll be.:)
By the way... you do know you can't get pregnant by giving a BJ, right? I'm actually going to suggest a site geared toward teens, since you seem to not know much practical information. (Please don't be offended, it's a really good website and we all have to learn somewhere)
www.scarleteen.com
Haha, I re-read my OP and it sounds like I think the BJ will get me preggers. Hahaha! No, I know that the BJ won't get me preggers. I think it's just a psychological thing: I was taught that semen gets you preggo, and getting preggo before marriage is bad, therefore semen is bad, even if it's not going into my vajayjay. But thank you for you considerate advice, I appreciate you trying to help me out.
Some women just don't like giving BJs. So you may never get into it. It may be something you do just for him because you want to give him pleasure or you may grow to like it in time. I say experiment and find out what works for both of you.
What is preggers?
"Preggers"=pregnant.
Thanks to everyone for their advice. I realize I came off in my OP as if I had no idea about sex in general. I assure you, I do. I've taken lots of classes in university about sex, and I'm generally a curious person. So, thank you to those who offered resources, but I do know the difference between a man and a woman's anatomy, and I know that other sexual acts besides intercourse will not get me pregnant. I was more asking about how to help with my comfort levels. But again, thank you for your advice.
Have you tried using a flavored condom or some edible lube? Maybe that will cover up the semen from pre-e and make you not be as frightened... Also, make sure you have good communication... That's the key to everything
Married my best friend 01/01/09
BFP#1 05/06/10. Jarebear born 12/29/10.
BFP#2 06/22/12 (DH's birthday). EDD 02/23/13. M/C and D&C 08/09/12
BFP#3 02/04/13 EDD 10/18/13. Please stick baby!!
Starting to cry because you tasted precum? Could you have some guilt about what you are doing? Given your religious upbringing I am wondering if this isn't more about that than it is about the physicality of the situation. I could be way off base but it is something to consider. If you aren't comfortable doing something before your wedding you need to tell him so.
FWIW, bjs did NOT come easily to me and to be honest they still don't. My H is not the fastest O on the block so I do it more as a part of foreplay than as the main event. You could try just starting out with your mouth and switching to your hand as he gets closer. It might be an easier way to work up to it for you. We were virgins when we got married (like VIRGIN virgins - we didn't do anything beyond kissing) and it took time for us to explore and try everything. 6 years later there ain't nothin we have't done! lol. So I guess what I am saying is give yourself time. Your comfort level will increase quickly.
And my other answer is always alcohol. That loosens me up and my inhibitions go right out the window!
(y)
Married my best friend 01/01/09
BFP#1 05/06/10. Jarebear born 12/29/10.
BFP#2 06/22/12 (DH's birthday). EDD 02/23/13. M/C and D&C 08/09/12
BFP#3 02/04/13 EDD 10/18/13. Please stick baby!!
Well that was suppose to be a thumbs up sign but my browser apparently isn't compatible with that
Married my best friend 01/01/09
BFP#1 05/06/10. Jarebear born 12/29/10.
BFP#2 06/22/12 (DH's birthday). EDD 02/23/13. M/C and D&C 08/09/12
BFP#3 02/04/13 EDD 10/18/13. Please stick baby!!
This is totally it. I just didn't want to admit it. Although, as for the alcohol part, I have health problems so I can't drink.
Oh welp, I guess FI and I need to have a discussion. Haha.
Definitely talk to him. He should be understanding and respectful of this. If the beliefs you were raised with are ones you still value now then stick to them. Don't set yourself up for regrets over this. It's so not worth it. You guys have the rest of your lives to get down and dirty. I know there were times it was difficult for us and we had to have a few talks about resetting our boundaries according to our beliefs. They were really good talks and gave us even more reason to love and respect each other. Good luck!
hold the base of his shaft in your fist to reduce the amount of his penis that gets in your mouth and reduce the incidences of gagging. when you start to taste pre ejaculate remove your mouth and keep stroking his *** with your hand. ask him to come on your body instead of in your mouth. perhaps after he ejaculates wipe some on your finger ant look at it, smell it, and maybe even taste it in order to familiarize yourself with the stuff
good luck
I don't think the OP knows what about sperm scares here either. She says she's well versed in sex ed and human anatomy, yet is afraid of giving a blow job because of semen getting in her mouth.
Like an OP said, this has nothing to do with the act and everything to do with the guilt attached to what you're doing.
See a therapist. This isn't going t resolve itself. And getting into a marriage with this sort of a hang up is just going to snowball and likely cause a whole lot of bigger issues down the line.
I have a close friend who has this exact problem. She and her H got together in high school, never really dated anyone else, and were very religious, so they were virgins on their wedding day. They've since relaxed a little in their beliefs, but she told me that her H is forever scarred by his religious upbringing (her words), and they continue to have serious problems in the bedroom related to that -- the way they were taught to look at sex (bad), etc. etc.
I suggested counseling and/or a sex therapist for them, too.
The therapy would be to help with the bolded.
What's wrong with that? I enjoyed the buildup of anticipation. That said it's good that you're starting to figure out what you like and dislike, it will help your wedding night go better.
Also I think your issue right now is that a blow job is more like actual sex than you're comfortable with at this moment, whereas a hand job, is more like assisted masturbation,(something he'd probably be doing anyway). There's nothing wrong with having boundaries, but both of you must be fully aware of where they are.
There is nothing I do to my husband that I don't derive some pleasure in myself. So if you don't enjoy giving him a blow job, don't do it. He's gone more than 18 years without a blow job, waiting another 7 months, to the point where you will not feel guilty about giving him one, will not kill him.
If it really is just guilt about doing something that's supposed to be saved for marriage, just wait. I was nervous, and excited on my wedding night, but I absolutely did not feel even a tiny little bit guilty. In fact I felt proud that we had waited so long, and stuck by what we felt was right, no matter how many times, I just wanted to say screw it, and jump him.
This is unfair and inaccurate. I've been married almost 5 years and don't remember the last time we had oral sex (for either of us.) Everyone, every couple and every sex life are different, and to imply that my marriage is less successful because of this is ridiculous and potentially furthering the OP's insecurities.
OP, talk to your fiance. Ask him to be patient with you while you figure this out. If he's a good guy (assuming you wouldn't be marrying him otherwise) he will not only understand, but not expect anything from you and appreciate when it does happen because he will understand how difficult it is for you, but that you are doing it for him.I second the PP's suggestions about lube or condoms, but also suggest asking your fiance to let you know when he's about to *** so you can "pull out." Nowhere is it written that sex (oral or otherwise) follow any set pattern or rule.
And I totally understood what you meant about being scared of sperm even though you know oral can't get you pregnant.
Although I haven't been married as long I totally agree with the bolded part.
For one.. you definitely don't need a therapist! And secondly, whoever said that just because you aren't comfortable giving a BJ beofre your wedding night is a sign that you aren't ready for marriage --- just plain ignorant!
The first couple of times is very scary. I will admit, the first time I gagged too and was very embarrassed. But.. he knew I never did it before and was ok with it. Since you are both virgins.. has he ever went down south on you? If so.. I'm sure he must have felt the same way.
The only advice I have for you is to not feel bad and not think that you are weird and that you won't get over it. As other people said on this thred, just try and when you feel uncomfortable and feel like you will gag just move away and use your hand. Also, talk to your FI and ask him to please not *** in your mouth and have him pull away from you when he knows it is time.
I promise you, after a while you will be ok with it. It took me a while to actually do it the first time and then get comfortable.
Have fun and don't worry.. everything will be ok!
There are few books out there that are written from a religious point of view that talks about sex in a healthy manner. They talk about how wonderful a sexual relationship is and ways to move passed things if you are freaked out and others the talk about moving passed any guilt.
A good book to start with would be "The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love" By Tim and beverly LeHay
There are other books as well like "Sex starts in the kitchen" and "Sheet Music"