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I made a big mistake
Here's some background for those who may not have seen my previous posts since I haven't been around for a while: http://community.TheNest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/60031145.aspx
Long story short, in a rush of loneliness and regret, I told dh I was not leaving and that I would stay with him. He had been so good and kind and loving in between all that, that I decided maybe I was making a stupid decision. For almost 6 weeks, he was on his best behavior and I thought maybe I was going crazy for wanting to leave him. So I sat him down and told him that we had almost 11 years together and I wasn't going anywhere. His reaction was anticlimactic and sort of non-emotional. Then, within 20 minutes of me telling him I wasn't leaving, he was yelling at me for something stupid. I can't even remember what now. He verbally abused me for years and it just brought everything back. He used to call me c$nt, b$tch, and say things like "you're f'ing so stupid..." blah, blah, blah. It just brought it all back. Keep in mind, he has not been verbally abusive in probably 8 months, but all the wounds are still there from hearing it for 10 years. Add that to his chronic depression, lack of emotion toward me, no physical attraction (that has never, ever been there for me with him) and I feel I made a huge mistake in saying I wasn't leaving.
My latest issue is I don't know how to bring it up again. I want to tell him I want to leave and I really mean it this time, but I am scared of being alone. I hate that fear after being with someone for so many years.
In addition, I had told him previously that if I left, I would move to the city nearest him to keep our kids near him. Now, I am realizing I don't want to do that. I want our kids to have a relationship with him and for him to be involved in their lives, but I want to settle somewhere else permanently. He's in the military, so it's not much of a choice in his career as to where to go. He has orders for his next assignment, but it is NOT where I want to end up. I have a job offer in Boston, which is literally across the country. That would make it very hard for him to see the kids regularly, but it is a place I can see myself settling for at least several years rather than uprooting them when he moves again in two years (his next assignment is only two years and then he has one more short assignment before he retires from the military).
Ugh. I don't know what I am looking for. I guess advice on how to tell him I have reconsidered and want to leave and how to deal with moving across the country and not having him freak out. If it matters, my older son is almost college age and my younger is about to enter elementary school.
And for what it's worth, I am in counseling. It's been helpful, but I guess I need more direction and positive affirmation that what I am doing is the right thing and that I would not be a terrible person for moving across the country from dh with my kids.
Re: I made a big mistake
See a lawyer who specializes in military law; the rules are different for a military divorce. Are you in counseling? This isn't a big mistake, it's a lesson to listen to your gut and a testament to your strength as a mother who tried everything to make it work for her family. After years of what he said to you, don't feel bad for a minute that you told him something you can't do now.
Dont talk to him about it anymore; see a lawyer first. See a counselor too. Stay here for a kick in the butt when you start to feel he might not be so bad again. ((hugs))
Please go see a therapist. He or she can help you sort through your feelings.
This. You are still walking on eggshells around him and you need to realize that it DOESN'T matter what he thinks or how he reacts. You need to do what's best for you and the children and to helll with the fallout from him. He sounds like an emotional abuser and manipulator as well as verbally abusive. Good luck.
Unfortunately, this isn't my first military divorce. I was divorced in 1996 from a military guy and am former military, so I'm all too familiar with the process. Feel like such a failure at this marriage thing.
You're not a failure at marriage, you just need some help picking the right men. ((hugs))
I just wanted to say that you're always welcome on MN under this name or the old, and you deserve better. You're not failing this marriage, you put everything you had into it. And you're not failing as a mother, which is most important. Your kids don't need that environment. Go to Boston, be happy.
I divorced my ex while he was in the military.
JAG will offer you advice, but they will not represent you in court.They will also help you get set up for the allotment you and your children are allowed per your H's pay grade. He will by law be forced to pay that.
You will need to find a lawyer and explain that your ex is military. If he is going to be deployed, the law will not allow for the divorce to go through while he is deployed. You will be allowed to EROD (early return of dependent), the military will move you back if you want if you are OCONUS.
My divorce went through as normal. I had to move home and wait 6 months for my residency to switch back to my home state. Then I was able to start the divorce process and have my ex served.