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need some support...
Hey girls, I know I'm not the best at posting regularly....but I could use some support.
I am a fairly private person in real life. It's always been difficult for me to express myself face-to-face. I just don't like to cry, and usually when I have to stare someone in the eyes and discuss what's bothering me, it leads to tears. Anyway, I say this because I need to talk to someone, but I'm not quite ready to talk to my IRL friends, and I know that you guys will be able to offer encouragement and advice. For the record, my husband and I are communicating about it, and my mom and dad have helped a lot too.
I had a miscarriage on December 28th. In October my cycle was out of wack, but I just assumed it was so late/so short because of stress. I didn't have a cycle in November, and again I assumed it was because October was so weird. Then December 12-30 I was bleeding irregularly. And on the 28th I passed a large clot looking object with a white cord running through it. I knew in my gut what had happened, and I immediately panicked and begain crying. DH calmed me down and reminded me that I'm not a dr and it could be something else. I made an appointment the next morning, and when I went in she confirmed. Fortunately, I didn't have to have a DNC. I was only around 2-3 weeks along, so my body was able to cleanse itself. The dr told me that she saw no reason for the miscarriage, and felt that I could easily conceive again.
I am so...sad. I can't think of a word that describes how I'm feeling. I'm incredibly thankful that if I had to go through something like this, that it was early enough that I didn't hear the heartbeat or get comfortable and attached to the idea of being pregnant. I can't imagine how much worse I would feel if it had been later in the pregnancy. But, at the same time I feel thankful...I am feeling furious, sad, guilty, depressed, and lonely.
I know that it's irrational to feel that this is my fault. But, I just do. I feel like my body took something from me that I want so badly. I feel like if I had known, maybe I could have done something differently to change the outcome. I know it's silly to play the "what if" game, but I can't help it. I'm angry because my cousin and his girlfriend (that he's known for less than 3 months) just announced that they are pregnant. She's aborted one child, given up another for adoption, raised one, and now is pregnant again with a child she's not ready for/doesn't want. While, I'm sitting here feeling like I got hit by a bus because I want it SO badly, and DH and I would/will make amazing parents....and my pregnancy ends before I even knew it began.
I know this might be TMI, but when I passed the sac, I knew. I knew what had happened and I sat there holding this thing....and I didn't know what to do. I flushed it. And again, in my head know this is stuipid...but, I feel like I flushed my baby down the toilet. I feel like I'm an awful person. I try so hard not to think about it, because it makes me sick.
My doctor said for me to return in 2 months for a checkup, and at that time she will be putting me on fertility medication to help DH and I along. I'm terrified that this will happen again. I'm so afraid that the outcome is me not being able to have children. I'm so scared and nervous.
I'm trying to get back into the swing of things, and I'm trying to push it to the back of my mind, but I'm struggling. I don't know how to deal with this. Please pray for me/keep me in your thoughts. If you have any advice on how to handle everything I'm going through, I'm all ears.
Re: need some support...
I don't have any advice for you, but I think that what you are feeling is really natural from having friends who have been in similar situations.
Like many things, it will just take time for the pain to lessen.
Hugs.
Sweetie, I don't really know what to say as I have never been there myself, but please understand that this is NOT your fault. There is nothing you could have done. You are not a bad person and you did not do anything to harm your child. Unfortunately, your child's time just came far, far too soon.
I can't imagine how badly you must be hurting, and I have no advice other than that it's okay to let yourself grieve. You have to go through this healing process so that, in the future, when you are able to conceive again, you will be able to give your full attention to that child.
I wish I could come hug you and talk to you in person. Just take your time. Allow yourself to be sad. Don't feel like you're wrong by doing that. Take your time.
*hugs*
I completely understand where you are coming from. DH and I had a miscarriage at 18 weeks this past August. We had every test done and were given not one answer as to why this happened. The doctor told us that is was just mother nature takings it's course.
One thing I learned from my miscarriage is that you can't blame yourself as easy as it is to, you just can',t its nothing you could have or couldn't have done. There is a reason our body's have a miscarriage and we may never know the answer.
I know its hard, i personally think about it every day.And at the time it was like all I seeing were pregant woman and all I heard was someone else was pregnant.You have to think and stay positive because one day you will be an amazing mother, and it may or may not be as soon as we all would like but one day you will be holding your healthy beautiful child in your arms. I guess all I can say is try and stay positive and will get better.
Thank you for your encouragement. We've been trying for about 8 months. I will try to go to the other board you suggested as well.
I know that sometimes things just happen, it's just really hard to deal with.
Just keep me in your thoughts/prayers. I really really appreciate it.
Ditto, esp the TTCAL board.
Also, I know you may not be thinking totally rationally at this point so I just wanted to make sure that your doc mentioned doing some testing before just putting you on fertility meds. Any ovulation inducing meds can cause serious problems if your tubes are blocked. Please have a HSG first. Also, please make sure they moniter you while taking the meds via ultrasounds to track your progress.
Dx: Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism After 2 years TTC & failed IUs,we have our IVF baby born 9/24/11
LO#2 aka 'Miracle Baby' Orig. EDD= 9/28 EDD moved to 10/3/13
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." -- Dale Carnegie
"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time." --Thomas A. Edison
What is an HSG? I'm so new to this. We've only been trying for around 8 months, and we really haven't been tracking anything.All we did to start "trying" was get me off BC, and I stopped drinking and started eating healthier. I'm not familiar with the terminology of TTC at all. The medication she was talking about putting me on is Clomid.
I was going to ditto all of the above as well....
I know it doesn't help any, but just remember as much as it hurts now, everything DOES happen for a reason...
Still... so sorry for your loss.
updated 10.03.12
Stand up for something you believe in.
I'm home sick with the Cold Of Death (TM) and just saw your post. I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I've had two miscarriages in a 9 month period, the first at 9w4d November 2010 and the second at 11w August 2011. Regardless of when it happens, it's still traumatizing and horrible to go through. One thing I feel really strongly about is that you should never have to go through it alone. I ditto the suggestions for the TTCAL board on the bump, there's also a miscarriage/pregnancy loss board that people with more recent losses tend to post on, that one is also very helpful.
As someone who's been-there-done-that, I am always available if you need to vent, whine, or talk it out. Feel free to PM me, find me on FB if you're there, or email. ((hugs)) Talking to people who had been in my shoes saved my sanity more than once. Take good care of yourself as much as you can, and go easy on yourself. You'll be grieving, and it's a process that is really challenging.
Congrats to both my TTC buddies, Amberley18 and sb2006 on their beautiful babies!
tdmd, I PM you, but I think my email is probably a better way for you to reply.
brittany.reeves@live.com
Thanks again for offering to help me through this. I really appreciate it.
Congrats to both my TTC buddies, Amberley18 and sb2006 on their beautiful babies!
http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/hysterosalpingogram-21590
Basically, they have you lay down on a table and inject dye into your tubes. At the same time, they take x-rays. It's to make sure that your tubes are fully open. Sure, you did get pregnant so you know at least one tube is open but you want to make sure both are ok before starting any meds. Even if they try to convince you otherwise ( since you did get pregnant), insist on being monitered while on the meds. Any fertility medication has side effects and one of clomids is that it can cause overian cycsts. Also, it's a general concensus (I know I probably misslelled that) by RE's (fertility docs...not a reg. OB) that a woman should not take clomid for more than 6 cycles in their lifetime.
As for the c
Dx: Hashimoto's Hypothyroidism After 2 years TTC & failed IUs,we have our IVF baby born 9/24/11
LO#2 aka 'Miracle Baby' Orig. EDD= 9/28 EDD moved to 10/3/13
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." -- Dale Carnegie
"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time." --Thomas A. Edison