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What to do about DH? *long*
I'm not sure where to turn to, and would like some unbiased advice. All friends/family are biased, so. This is kind of two parts. Backstory-DH and I got married last year, we have a 4 month old, and we recently moved hundreds of miles away from friends/family for his job. I SAH with the baby.
Part one: Lately, DH and I have been having issues. We don't talk much--which I know is part of our problem--because K's teething and won't go down before 11 and D has to be in bed early because he wakes up before 5 every morning. The past few weeks, he's told me things that bother him about me that I didn't know. Mostly just little things. We were talking about losing weight (mainly me...), and he started to say something. I got it out of him--apparently, he doesn't cuddle with me because it hurts his back. This hurts, obviously. But I can stand to lose weight, and I weigh more than he does, so my side of the bed dips. And I took it more as an eye-opener (my weight affects other people) than anything.
The next night, we switched sides and guess what? The problem was gone. My side was just lower than his. What really bothers me about this, besides the fact that this has been bothering him since we've been together, is that it's obviously not a weight issue, but he made it one. I'm back to my pre-pregnancy weight, so it's not that I gained weight while I was KU and haven't lost it. And even if that was the case, I carried his damn child for 9 months!
And I keep wondering what else has been bothering him that he just hasn't told me. Or if I--heaven forbid--don't lose the baby weight if we have another kid, what other physical intimacies will I lose? It's quite possible I'm just making a big deal out of nothing, but it bothers me that he uses something like that to address my weight. That I've been at since we got together. I mean, if it was such a BFD, why did he marry me in the first place?
Second: A bigger issue here. D's Army. He was in AIT when I had K. After she was born, I went to buy my dad a Coke, and there wasn't money in the acct (side note: I had a separate acct and paid everything with it, and didn't check the joint acct. Stupid me.) So I checked online, saw a phone number, and asked him what he was blowing all our money on. Some of it was stuff he needed, like new shirts, etc. Then there was a $150 bar tab in one night. And over $600 was to phone sex. Because I wasn't sending him pictures/texts/calling him while 9 months pregnant or with a newborn, apparently he decided to blow our family's money on freakin porn.
I'm not usually against porn, but my mom had to buy diapers for me that week, so I think in this instance, it's a little F'd up. More than a little. We had a huge fight, he apologized profusely, and said that, when he's around me, he doesn't feel the urge to call, he won't do it again, etc. So far so good.
But he's deploying this year, and I can't help but wonder what's going to happen then. He'll be stressed out, away from family and friends, etc just like in AIT. How do I handle this, on top of the other stresses of having a deployed DH and infant?
There are other little things, mostly baby-related. He 'couldn't' change poopy diapers for 2 months once we switched to formula. He literally gagged to the point of throwing up. So I even changed every.single.one. for two months straight so he wouldn't have to. Then I left for the store, and he did it. Funny how that went out the window when he actually had to... I feel sometimes he uses me as a cop-out to the unpleasant sides of parenthood, or when he needs a break. Not thinking of the fact that I've been at home with K all day, and cooking dinner does not constitute as a break.
I'm really, really not sure I made the right decision in marrying him and having a kid with him. Part of it could be that I'm getting used to SAH, and I'm isolated here (only one car). But I do my best to make sure they're both taken care of. I take all the nighttime wake-ups during the week, I pack his lunches, make him dinner, clean the house, make him breakfast, set out his stuff so he doesn't have to rush to find it in the am, and take care of all things baby-related when he's too tired. And it'd be nice if I didn't have to constantly remind him while making dinner that sitting in front of the TV with K doesn't count as 'bonding' at 4 months old when he's literally just sitting there. No interaction. It'd be nice if he took care of me in more than just a financial way, ya know?
So how can I fix this? Or figure out if I even WANT to fix this? WWYD?
Re: What to do about DH? *long*
How long are you cuddling, where it's getting to the point that his back hurts? Are you completely on top of him when you cuddle? That math isn't adding up for me. Either you guys have a really crappy mattress and that's really what's hurting his back, or you're doing the cuddling thing wrong. Or your "darling/dear" husband is just an azzhole who wanted an excuse to call you fat....the other behavrios lead me to believe this is the case.
Were you knocked up when you got married? Maybe that's why he married you and now the realities of it all have caused him to second guess.
If he's ringing up $600 in phone sex bills just during training, and you've only been married a year or less, I'm sorry, but this man is probably going to cheat on you, if he hasn't already. He sounds like a gem, and you seem to be completely enabling it.
Why are you SAH? Did you guys discuss your expectations before you gave up work? Is there anyway for you to go back to work, or try to do some part time WAH? You need some kind of a backup plan and income/savings that he can't blow on phone sex so you can support your kid if the shiit hits the fan.
You need to sit down like adults and discuss expectations for each other. If he can't/won't do that, then you need to get to counseling for at least yourself and start building up some self worth.
Mucho likes purple nails and purple cupcakes
I'm really, really not sure I made the right decision in marrying him and having a kid with him
I think this is more than a vague possibility.
i agree with lindsay, he sounds like a chach. but you are enabling his laziness and general douchiness pretty effectively.
I don't know how in under a year of marriage, for all of which you've been either pregnant or just had a kid, his opinion of you physically could change so dramatically unless he married you because of the pregnancy alone. you said yourself you haven't changed. it sounds like he has regrets about getting married and wants an out.
i know you can't turn back time and not marry him, but you should work on yourself emotionally with the help of a therapist and build up your self worth, so that you can make decisions that are in the best interest of you and your new son.
I had an ex who was using phone sex. It escalated into full cheating very quickly. I actually may be in the minority, but I consider phone sex more cheating than porn. And porn is free, he is just dumb for spending money on it, especially when it means you cannot buy the basics for your child. That's a huge huge problem.
Ill probably piss off some military wives, but I feel like young marriages in the military fail so much because there is a quick courtship, pregnancy and marriage. Maybe when it is time for them to sign up they fear the possibility of death and so they rush into all of it at once. And then they get into the military and it's like one big frat house and let's be honest with things like Fleet Week it is obvious there are military groupies so ass is easy to get.
As for the communication and difficulty with having a baby, that's all of us. It's natural. But if you do not have a strong foundation of a relationship, which let's be honest you do not have, then it can be fatal to a relationship.
I second therapy and sitting down to discuss your future. If he doesn't want to go, I think you need to consider that this marriage was a poor choice, If he is being deployed and you are going to be alone, so far from your family, you may need to decide pretty soon that it is time to return to the fold.
I don't blame you for rethinking this guy.
I would recommend counseling. If he won't go (and he sounds like he'll probably refuse), then go by yourself.
Phone sex is definitely worse than viewing a free clip on the internet to help him work it out. I was going to say that anything where you are paying for sexual interaction crosses the line for me, but for some reason strip clubs don't bother me as much, even though they fit that definition. Not sure how I rationlize that, but I'm not always rational.
Phone sex is on par with a rub-n-tug, IMO. It's not full blown cheating with a prostitute, but close...kind of like playing "just the tip, see how it feels"
Mucho likes purple nails and purple cupcakes
yeah, I agree here. I think it's because it's more of a private one on one act.
Like I don't have a problem with strip clubs, but would have more of a problem with a private dance in a private room, although those are probably even more public or monitored than phone sex.
But, I would have a problem with 600 dollars worth of strip clubs.
Please. I was thinking worse. Like, one, go to the Military board where these are pretty much the only people who understand the mindset of meeting a guy, he tells you he's going into the military and will be deployed for an undetermined amount of time, and they think, "GREAT! I'm in. In fact, let's not even bother getting to know each other, let's just get married, I'll get pregnant, and we'll live off the military! Sounds FAB!". Or some version of this where getting pregnant seems really romantic, with him going off to war or whatever. And I guess it was sort of romantic, in the 40's. Before there was internet porn.
I don't even have advice really. It sounds like the OP barely knew this guy, still barely does, and neither seem to be into it. I'd cut your losses, find a guy here, who isn't leaving for months or years at a time, and date. For a long time. It's kind of hard to recommend counseling together when the guy isn't there. Unless there is some sort of Skype counseling they do for military folk.
I would venture to guess that the majority of the Military Nesties board would agree with you Winged.
As for advice, if he's using phone sex lines because you didn't send him pictures, etc. it seems like he isn't respecting you. Counseling is necessary for both of you.
This isn't helpful, at all, but he really just sounds like a ***. If my husband told me my FUPA made cuddling painful I would not be having it.
And I agree with Lindsay and Winger, phone sex is a crossed line.
For less then ten cents a day, you can feed a hungry child.
Me too! I'd be SO good at it!!
We'd known each other for almost two years when we got married, I thought I knew him. We'd talked about marriage and kids before I got pregnant. I told him no the first few times he suggested we get married because I didn't want him to feel like he had to marry me, even, so it's not like he didn't have 'outs' if he didn't want to, ya know?
As for why I quit my job--we moved hundreds of miles away. It's cheaper in our situation for me not to work, and I'll be starting online classes soon.
Yeah, but fantasy is different from reality. And regardless of his reasons for his behavior, his behavior itself is completely unacceptable, inconsiderate and selfish. And really unhealthy for your family.
Do you have any support structure currently?
He's deploying, so it doesn't really matter where you live. Might as well live back home.
Anyone who pays for porn is an idiot, so that'd be your emotional-blackmailing H. If he won't go to therapy, I'd hit the bricks.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Well, it's been said that you need to do a background check on anyone you've been with for 2 yrs or less so if you didn't do that you're doomed.
Anyhoo- Talking about marriage and kids doesn't exactly translate into the reality of it. Which isn't your fault. But, you sound like you're not that into working it out either because you're thinking you regret marrying him. WHich is fine. I'd regret marrying someone who pretty much says I'm fat and spends all our money on phone sex.
I guess you have to decide how into sticking around you are. Sometimes these things aren't fixable. Phone sex can be an addiction that he feels he can't or doesn't want to stop. Plus he's using your joint finances in ways that hinder your ability to take care of your child. He was obviously ok with compromising on stuff your child needs like diapers. And he's not around or not going to be around. So, maybe you should go back where you came from, get a job, then you know your money isn't going to phone sex and you'd have some kind of support system you don't have where you are.
Winged--not up here. He wanted to live off base and we only have one car (why get another when he's about to deploy--I'm realizing the issues with that now) so that with the "I suck at meeting people"... He has family up here, and they'd probably agree with me 100% but I'm not going to tell his family about all this unless it's necessary. However, they will help out when he leaves. They're great people.
You know what? I agree with you on the 'therapy or bust' mindset. And I haven't been intentionally being an enabler--I told him if he blows that much money on stupid sh!t again we're leaving (along with a whole lot of other stuff). Our daughter's well being is more important to me than our marriage. But I do at least want to try. I meant the vows I said, even if he didn't, and I grew up only seeing my dad 6 weeks during the summer. We don't have a relationship, really, and I'd like to avoid that for K if at all possible. I want better for her, but growing up in a household where your parents are at each other's throats is no better.
So you'd rather teach your precious baby girl that it's okay to have a guy treat her like complete and total shyt and bankrupt her so it doesn't mean she has two Christmases?!
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I get that you want to fix things and you don't mean to be an enabler. But, it's not just the money thing. You're doing more than your fair share of work it seems. You're the mom, the maid, the chef, etc. He doesn't really seem to have any responsibility. And if you're going to be on your own a decent amount, then he should definitely be helping out more when he IS there.
At least you recognize that you have dealbreakers which is important. Your daughter is going to be fine even if the marriage ends, as long as she knows she's loved and cared for. Kids adapt. Especially when they're young. The best thing you can do for your daughter is be a strong role model for what you'd want her to have in a marriage. My mother was a terrible role model. Sometimes I think it was dumb luck, well, plus maturing, and life experience that I met my husband. Because based on my parents and on their relationship, I dated some real a$$holes that I could've married.
qft!
Not even Military Brides coddles this behavior anymore, let alone MN. Military Families maybe, but that's because TB frightens away normal. I don't even think service members should be allowed to get married and "lead" a family as breadwinners until they're of a rank to lead other service members. Why subsidize a bunch of 18 year olds getting married if they can't even be trusted alone with a tool? My H tells his Marines to enjoy the barracks, because it's like living in a dorm, albeit at a conservative private school. Being married means you have to answer to someone about your behavior at home every day instead of once a week on inspection days. And a lot of the posters are similarly conservative about marriage on MN (personally conservative, not politically conservative).
ETA: and even the ones who aren't as vehement as I am still tell people to wait to legalize a relationship until a deployment/college graduation/age of 25/etc.
aww sorry you are going thru it with your husband.
I cant say that anything crazy will happen while he is deployed, but take that time to better yourself.
If you are overweight, work out. If you cant go to the gym because you dont have a babysitter, get some dvds and workout in the living room dont just sit around all day. I was a single mother at one point in time, and I work all day and came home to a 6 week old. I know its tiring and stressful. But you have to make the time...even if its only 30 minutes a day.
since you'll have the car..look into getting daycare for your baby so you can get a job and get out of the house!
It wont do anything but set you up for financial stability if your marriage doesnt work out...
im really curious WHEN he had the time to do phone sex in AIT...cause I know we were very rarely left alone long enough to do ish like that.