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Hi
Wow, it's been a while...
I don't even know where to start...
I guess, Hi.
I'm feeling very strange, and more than a little embarassed to say that I am still here, my situation hasn't changed (much), and I've been doing a lot of thinking, and not much doing, lately. I feel like I haven't had anyone to talk to in a while, and I guess I'm just feeling very a lone.
I don't really have time right now to dive into my whole story over again right now, I just thought I would pop my head in and say "hi". Where it goes from there is up in the air, I guess...
I'm finally back at work. Being off for a few months really put a strain on things at home and with my plans. I 'm trying to rebuild what I had, but I feel like I'm losing myself in the process. I sent an email to my therapist earlier today, hoping I could get in to see her. I'm not sure how I'm going to pay for it yet, but I know I need to do something, doing nothing is killing me inside.
Re: Hi
I wish that were an option, unfortunately (in this case), I am a salary employee. I can work as many extra hours as I want, but it's not going to have any affect on my savings. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with salary as opposed to hourly, but in this particular scenario, it doesn't work in my favor.
I've stashed a little by buying gift cards when I'm grocery shopping, but I still have a long way to go before I am back to where I was before I got laid off.
I have put so much time and effort into this "marriage" and I thought at one point that we were actually making progress and moving in the right direction. It became glaringly obvious on New Year's Eve that I have struggled and fought and argued to save our marriage, then I gave up, then I started trying again... for nothing. I have wasted my time, energy, and mental well being. I am no better off right now than I was a year ago.
It seems the only thing that has really changed is that I recognize what's happening.
I guess I'm just having a pity party, and feeling down.
I had so hoped for a happy update from you. There were times you were so strong and willing to start over. Please, don't waste another year. I'm not going to kick you and say it should be easy, but I think you recognized long ago he was not the guy you wanted to spend your life with now or in the future. Good luck and maybe nothing is wasted if you are motivated this year! Use that energy on yourself.
I had hoped that I would have a happier update for you too.
There were times in the last year that were so good, and for a few months I really thought that I was wrong about wanting to leave. And with the bang of the New Year's fireworks, reality came crashing back in.
I realized that I'd let my guard down and somehow managed to become even more isolated than I had been before! H realized it too and took full advantage. He's not been physically abusive again, but the emotional abuse that waned for those few short months has returned.
I could go into details about the sh*tty things he's said over the last week, but it wouldn't do any thing but make me look stupid for choosing to subject myself to this behavior. I feel stupid enough already.
I guess I was just feeling the reality of my isolation and wanted to reach out. You have all been so supportive in the past, and at times it seemed like the nest was the only place I could really speak openly. So I decided to come out of the shadows start my journey again, hopefully for the last time. At least I have an idea where to start this time...
Your situation is very typical. It's not unusual to have long periods of stability and then abuse. I know lots of social workers who simply couldn't work with shelter clients because they resumed relations with their husbands/SO after a "reconciliation" and returned to the shelter over and over and over. It all seemed so fresh and new, but to workers quite predictable. It made it impossible to be supportive. So the SW's left.
I support your latest "NYE revelation" but you've had these revelations before, right? And are still financially, physically and emotionally emeshed with your abuser/husband? I ask not to be snarky, but to point out that as much as you know your situation is unsustainable, you keep sustaining it. I am very sorry. I don't know the details to instruct you to change, but you DO have options.
As someone who once was in an abusive relationship, your post is easier said than done. Yes, some people who suffer abuse make excuses - he apologized, he promised he'll change, I'm not strong enough to leave, I?m alone, etc etc....unless you've been in this situation yourself, you will never truly understand why someone would stay or, as you say, make the excuse to stay in this situation. For me, it took 3 years, and lots of excuses, mainly to myself, to get out of my situation. I am actually quite lucky I'm alive and I thank god every day that I 1 - never married my abuser and 2 - never had children with him that would give him any reason to remain tied to me.
Abusers thrive on controlling their victim - so as far as getting a second job, one where it might be meant to stash money on the DL, if the abuser is monitoring your every move, it's not so simple to just do that. Especially when you are married and living with the person. Get the 2nd job, yes, but to then take and stash money, no. Abusers will make their victim feel isolated, alone, useless, worthless, that way the victim feels that they have no other choice but to depend on them.
Look, I?m pretty new to this board - I don't know you or any of you ladies here, but I hope that any of you that are going through something like this will find the courage in yourself to find a way to get out. Because being in an abusive situation never has a happy ending if you stay. It takes a lot of courage to leave. But you must find it and do so.
To the original poster - does your family have any idea of what you are dealing with? I do not know the level of abuse you are suffering, but when I went through it, my family had absolutely no idea. I was terrified to tell them. Had they known what was going on, they would have stepped in and helped me. When they finally did find out, let's just say that my abuser is lucky that my dad never caught up with him. If your family does not know, I would highly recommend telling them because I am sure if they knew what you were going through, they would step in and help you. Do you have a safe house that you can go to and stay until you get on your feet? Whether it's family or friends....try to see if you can arrange somewhere to go and stay. I would also recommend that if/when you do decide to leave, let someone in your office know what is going on that way they can look out for you too. Because when I left my abuser, I had to deal with sh!t like him following me to my office, calling random coworkers at their desks asking if 'the ***' (I) was there. File a restraining order if you have to as well, although I will tell you right now, may as well wipe your ass with it - because that piece of paper really doesn't do much if the abuser is determined - some of them don't care about that little piece of paper. What it does do though is puts it on record that there is an ongoing problem and with any luck, they will go to jail for violating it if they come near you.
I know there's so much more to what you are probably going through and I am not a professional who can really help you....I believe in one of the other threads here someone posted a domestic abuse hotline - they would most likely be able to give you whatever tools or advice you need to really take the steps necessary to leave. Ultimately though - find the courage to do it. I realize how scary it must be for you, but know that you're not alone and you're worth so much more than to stay with someone who does not treat you with the dignity and respect you deserve.
Right, I'm not trying to be a jerk here and I do understand abuse and how complicated it can be. It is very frustrating to listen to the same poster for over a year talk about leaving and having "revelations" that she needs to leave, yet does absolutely nothing to help herself.
Once you give the same piece of advice 10 times and the same person keeps coming back to the same advice, it gets exhausting.
Glad to see an update from you - I wish it were better news. I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Does your employer have an EAP you could utilize for therapy sessions? I will ask what PPs asked, is there really absolutely no one that can help you? Have you even reached out for help?
I know you feel stuck and you feel like you need to do all of these things before you get to a point where you can leave, but I honestly feel like if you really, really wanted to leave, you could. Again, I am not in your situation and I'm not trying to judge, but staying is only making things worse for you.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I really wish you the best.
Like I said, I'm new, so was not aware this poster has been talking about this issue for over a year. That being said, the best thing to do, no matter how exhausting it is - keep reaffirming to the original poster (or anyone who is in similar situation) that they need to leave the situation, get help, do whatever it is they need to do to just get out. Yes, it gets tiring to say the same advice over and over, but sometimes this is what is needed for the victim to finally muster up the courage they need to leave. I used to think it was so easy to pick up and leave too until I found myself in this situation - I was petrified of what would happen if I left. It took me 3 years to get the courage to leave once and for all. The first step in getting out is realizing that there is a problem to begin with, which original poster obviously knows. Hopefully the next step is for her to pluck up the courage and leave.....
No worries, Doglove, I understand your frustration. I agree. It is tiring to give the same advice over and over and over and not feel like it is being heeded.
I do not mean to make excuses. But there is a lot about this situation that is not as cut and dry as it would seem. I understand that you guys only have the information that I provide and can only make judgements and suggestions based on that. So, I can see how it would appear as though I am making excuses.
I have a very specific set of perameters that I am expected to operate in, and as R.Wilsonny pointed out, H watches my every move. I am not allowed, for example, to get a second job because it would take away from our "family time". I am not allowed to visit my friends unless H comes with, and I cannot talk to anyone (family included) on the phone unless he is in the same room. These things are not excuses, but the reality of the situation that I have to work with. H monitors my phone useage, my spending, even sets time limits for the length of time I can be away from the house alone.
My only "free" time on a regular basis is when I am at work. Which is when my family and friends are also at work. It creates an additional degree of difficulty.
My family is aware, for the most part, of what I am going through although not the most recent happenings. They want desperately to help, but there isn't a lot that they can do. They cannot help financially, and they cannot offer a place to stay. I have reached out to friends from my past, and some have responded sympathetically (not sure if I spelled that right) but most simply have not responded at all.
I have been using my lunch breaks at work to make phone calls to the local dv shelter, lawyers, etc. revisiting my plans from before. But I have to be sure to use the phone here so that there is no record on our cell phone bill.
Let's pretend you just say FU to him and got in the car and went to visit friends without him, what would he do? Would he become physically violent? Would you press charges and get a RO? What will it take for him to be out of your life? Is there nobody in your entire family who does not own a sofa?
I grew up watching my mom live in your situation (although a little different since she had 6 children), and I thought if I was going to live like a prisoner it would probably be for murder. Don't let it come to that, because right now you can take back some of the power. If I remember you have a child, please get out before he grows up and mimics this behavior. Did your therapist call?
What happens when you do something he says you're not "allowed" to do? What happens when, if he hits you, you beat the everloving crap out of him with a skillet or something?
He can want to control you, but it won't work without your cooperation.
See, I'm all for this, however, this could end in a very bad way - particularly if the guy is bigger than her. I can remember an incident towards the end of the relationship where my abuser first punched me - I blocked it in time to avoid getting punched in the face, but it left my hand swollen for a few days after his fist came crashing down. Then he punched me in the stomach and knocked me to the ground. As he was walking away, just a rage so powerful came over me that I got up, ran at him and jumped on him, grabbing at his head, punching, ripping at him, and screaming. THAT was the beginning of the end when I woke up out of the fog I was in and said NO MORE OF THIS ***!!!! He managed to get me off of him and throw me to the ground again, but then took off because we were on a public street when it happened. If this had happened in a not so public place though, I'm sure the outcome would have been much different and I would not be here talking to you.
You have a point, however, this kind of control and manipulation happens over a period of time and you are bullied down into believing that you have no other choice. Before you know it, the abuser has successfully managed to make you feel like your life and everything about it depends on them. Eventually you just cooperate because of fear of what would happen to you if you don't. Basically, you become complacent and compliant - going into 'survival mode' out of fear. It's easy for you to say that this won't work without your cooperation, which is true to a point, but it's not so cut and dry to just walk away. I would say that being married and also having a child with said abuser, which legally binds you to them on some level is even more difficult to break free from. At least I was lucky enough to get out of my situation before marriage and kids came into the picture.
Welllll.......if you were to go that route, just make sure you 1 - have a permanent exit strategy because if not, then you will have an even bigger problem which might involve not living to tell about it and 2 - hit him hard enough to knock him out for a while, giving you enough time to make a quick getaway
Tigersi! I'm so happy to hear from you. I have really been thinking about you and sending you t&p. I do wish that you had a happier update, but it's good to know that you haven't given up.
Yeah, I'm thinking a firearm may be a better solution in this situation. I mean the shot doesn't even have to be fatal.
But it's not like her kitchen is readily stocked. lol
ETA: This comment was made in jest. A firearm should only ever be used if you are in fear for your life, and even then, you should never wield a firearm unless you are absolutely prepared to use it. - for anyone that may read this post.
Come to think of it... I did get a large cast iron frying pan from my mom for Christmas. Perhaps she's trying to tell me something...
Ok, back to reality... I'm not sure what H would do if I just took off and didn't do what he wanted. But in the past it's ended poorly. He's been physically abusive, verbally abusive, and followed me out to the car yelling. Once I got enough of a head start to have our son in his car seat, but not enough time to buckle him in. I was shoved out of the way, our son removed from the carseat and taken back in the house, and I was told that if I wanted to leave I could but if I tried to take our son he would slash the tires of my car. I am not going to leave my son in that situation, so I stayed.
When I leave, the safest way for me to do it is to leave when he's not home. I just have to line up a place to go, I'm working on that, but it's slow with limited resources. As I've said in the past, staying with family is absolutely not an option, not because they don't want it, but because it is simply not possible. Most of my family is out of state, and the ones that are still here have some very specific limitations of their own that they have to follow making it impossible.
You know, I really feel for you because it's not like it's just you that you have to worry about - you have a son with this a-hole. And you know he's going to use that as leverage against you. One thing I would suggest doing, if someone hasn't already suggested it to you is to keep a log (at work obv) of everything that this guy is doing to you. And I mean document everything. Voicemails, letters, any sort of documentation of threats he's made to you, etc etc. Keep it locked up somewhere in your office where he cannot find it - that way if/when the day ever comes where you might have to go to court for the divorce and ultimately custody hearing for your son, you will have ammunition. Any kind of witnesses you can get together for yourself, and get yourself a good lawyer too. My abuser was very good and isolating me from friends and family, but like I said, once the fog cleared and I saw things for what they were and knew that it was never going to change or get better, I took every step necessary to get out of it.
You know, I should actually ask my mother what she did when she left my father. It's a sticky subject because she doesn't really like to talk about it - especially after all these years, and I was only 2 when they split, so I don't remember too much obv. What I do know is that he was abusive towards her, the level of abuse - I don't know because I was so young - but when they separated, he was stalking her and it was really messed up all around. Eventually we moved to an undisclosed address, with unlisted number and I never saw my father again. I believe he fought for custody and lost, but had visitation rights. Fast forward about 5 years later - some random woman called my grandparent's house. She asked my grandfather how my mother got away with me not seeing my father when he was paying $50 a week in child support. My grandfather told her - lady, he has never paid child support and that is why he does not see his daughter. Which was true - my father was supposed to pay and never did - this was in the 70's so I don't think the laws were as strict back then. Apparently, my father remarried and had a child with this woman and I guess it was the same situation with her too as far as the abuse - so she was trying to figure a way out since there was a child involved. I don't ask my mother about this anymore because for me, there's no point upsetting her and I figure that's just her own private business.
Anyway, I'm telling you this because a child is involved and any exit strategy you do come up with needs to include him. It's tricky though because now the laws are much stricter, so I don't know how you can leave without your H calling the police and saying you kidnapped your son. It really p!sses me off that an abuser could use a child for this kind of controlling leverage, but just promise me you will document anything and everything to prove that he is unfit to be a father or connected to you any more. I'm sure whoever you are speaking with at work is giving you similar advice.....
I am kind of a paperwork nut (it's my job) so I am big on documentation. I've documented things for a while now and have them in a password protected file on my computer at work. I also have photos of damage he's done to the house in a rage (holes in walls, doors, etc.) saved on a separate computer at a friends house. I stopped for a while, mostly because there was nothing to report, but once it started up again, so did my journaling. I'm not sure the older stuff will be much help, but the way I figure it, the more information I have, the easier it will be to establish a pattern of abuse and it will be more difficult for him to claim it was a "one time thing". And I have the forms on hand for a restraining order. If I need to, I can fill them out and walk into the courthouse with all my documentation at a moments notice.
Based on your descriptions of his behavior, I can't help thinking you actually might be safest going to the family out of state...
Are your loved ones aware of how serious the situation actually is, though? WTF are their excuses for not helping you get the hell out of there?
You mean to tell me that not a single one of your friends would let you stay with them temporarily when you told them that your husband abused you? What about the friend who has stuff on their computer?
BFP #3 2.15.11 EDD 10.27.11. DD born 10.29.11
Betas @9dpo = 23 Betas @12dpo= 128.5 Betas @17dpo= 1075 Betas @21dpo =5800s
@6w hb 114 bpm! @8w4d hb 178 bpm! @12w hb 169 bpm! @18w hb 150 bpm!
I would love to go and stay with my family out of state, but as was pointed out before, we have a child and I cannot cross state lines with our son unless H gives us permission to go.
My friend who has the pictures stored on her computer has young children of her own and she and her H are concerned about the risk posed to them if H decided to come looking for me. I completely understand that concern, and have no desire to put anyone else's children in danger.
I have one sister who lives in the area, but her husband and I have never seen eye to eye, and he doesn't want me in their apartment. And staying with my parents is not an option, for reasons I would rather not get into at the moment.
I have copies of most of the financial documentation for our home here in my office in a locked filing cabinet as well as my son's birth certificate and social security card. I have some cash (although I had to dip into what I had saved while I was laid off) and a separate checking account H doesn't have access to.