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Handling Family/Visitors/"helpers" after LOs Birth
So most of our families live out of state (except for DH's 92 year old grandmother who lives 45 minutes away).
It has been hard for me when people offer/suggest/hint (rolls eyes) that they would like to come out ASAP after the girls are born. Mostly hard for me because they could be born any day between now and 38 weeks. And with twins there *may* be NICU time, but our "risk" of that keeps getting less and less with that with each day. But regardless we still don't really know exactly when they will be coming home. As a result, I've suggested people wait till February at the earliest to come out.
And part of me feels like we may want a couple of days to a week to settle in ourselves. Especially since I KNOW it is going to be hard and an adjustment especially with TWO newborns. I figure I need to try and stagger the visitors since having lots of people at our little 1200 sq ft apt (2 bedroom) would be more stress than help.
How soon after you brought your LO home did you want help outside of your DH? Any limits you would suggest to how long family stay? It is just SO hard to know and while I understand people wanting to make plans, it is stressing me out a little!
Re: Handling Family/Visitors/"helpers" after LOs Birth
We had the ILs come out when he was 3-4 weeks old. It was totally stressful - not helpful in the least, & they wanted to do tourist things too, so we ended up going up to Grand Lake for a weekend and doing IKEA one day and really, all I wanted to do was stay in and snuggle with the LO and not wear a bra so i could breastfeed whenever. They also locked one of our cats up in the guest bedroom, and the poor thing ended up peeing all over, tore up the carpet trying to get out, it was awful. I also had to cook for them, which after having a NB I didn't want to deal with.
So, sorry, I have no advice really. Visiting family is just one of the things I had to get through and deal with.
If you think the visiting family might be helpful, then that is a different story. Otherwise, make it as short as possible.
We dodged that bullet with the ILs since MIL was in fact quite ill in the hospital when DD was born.
We had previously told them they were welcome to come but needed to stay in a hotel. They understood. That said, they are easy going.
Of course we only had 1 baby, but I did not need help. Getting laundry done, going to the store, putting together a simple dinner was easy enough.
Our family is all local, so they were all around pretty much all the time for the first few weeks. They weren't in the way though - my mom was busy cleaning my house (because I'm a terrible housekeeper, you know) and doing my laundry (no complaints about that one!). MIL would come over a couple times a week to see the baby but wasn't intrusive.
If they were all coming to STAY at our house, I'd make them wait. Everyone would leave after a couple of hours, so we got time to ourselves - I'd really want that time, especially with two.
No more baby siggie pics. Boo.
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Tizzle 10/07 ~ Boppy 7/09 ~ Chicken 1/12
2014 Reading Goal: 85
Well I didn't have twins and all of my family lives just minutes away, but with our first we told the ILs they couldn't come till she was 2 weeks old (they didn't make arrangements till after she was born). And we told them we weren't hosting guests (even though we had the space and guest room) so they had to stay at a hotel. It worked great for us. I didn't want "help" because people's idea of helping with babies into hold the baby so you can get stuff done. I was still healing and damnit I wanted to hold my own baby and I didn't want to scrub the toilets or sweep. And I definitely didn't want to worry about cooking for extras and entertaining them.
I would agree with this. If you have any family members that will cook and clean and do laundry for you, then that is helpful. It is NOT that helpful for them to come and hold the baby (although maybe with twins it would be a little bit helpful). Also if you would have to cook for them, no way.
My mom came for 10 days and was awesome - I told her not to ask me questions, just to put food in front of me, clean, etc. She also stocked out freezer before she went home. However I was still ready for her to go after about ten days because she was staying with us in a small house.
I think that you could use potential germs as a good excuse to postpone visitors. It is flu season and you can say your doctor recommended not too many visitors right away.
Good luck, I know it is hard. I definitely have a better idea of what I need the second time around but the first time it is hard to know how you will feel.
I really don't mind my ILs or my parents (or my sisters) so they were a ton of help after having babies (only singletons, but still a lot of help). However, I don't mind giving up control and even cleaning of my house, so that works for my personality. We had family staying with us from the birth on practically - my sister was there for DS#1's birth and my other sister and mom showed up within days. My ILs came a week or so later. For DS#2, my mom came 3-4 days after DS#2's birth and then again a couple weeks later and I drove to visit family when DS#2 was about 12 days old and ended up staying a week in MT.
It was always great for me to have someone who made us dinner, clean-up after us, cuddled the baby when I showered or napped, didn't get embarassed as I figured out breast-feeding (I'm sure they all saw nipples at some point), played with my older kid, and could drive us around to have lunch and on walks and such. Oh and we had a 800 sq ft house with a 300 sq ft basement where the family stayed.
But that's me - I'm an oversharer and I love being around friends/family. If you're a little more reserved and want your space, that is a-OK also and you just have to stick to your guns on timing - or let them come whenever as long as they stay at a hotel so you have nights and quiet time to yourself. Good luck.
Are you united with the CCOKCs?
There is no good answer to this question. We had my IL's (SIL and FIL) wait two weeks after the due date for DS to come out and ask FIL to stay at my parents, which is like 15 minutes away. Since then, he only visits once a year when he can drive his motorhome out here. I think it's connected, but not confirmed (might also be his new wife doesn't like to fly or something).
My SIL was not extremely helpful, she just wanted to hold and take pictures of DS. I put a list of things that people could help with if they ask on the fridge, and she thought it was a to-do list for DH. I was also still extremely emotional and working on getting BF'ing down. She means well (even now), but the delivery can be annoying.
I would say, have them plan their trips out for 2 weeks after your last possible delivery date (38weeks?) and ask them to stay only a few days at a hotel and make sure everyone doesn't come at the same time. (i.e. "We know everyone is excited to meet the girls, and we would like to accommodate everyone without overwhelming ourselves. Can you please plan your trip for the dates of X to Y? and then come see us again this summer as well? Thanks!") I am guessing with twins it will be nice to have the extra hands, but you also don't want to have to entertain.
I think the one thing none of us does well as new mamas is be assertive as to what we need/want (it's definitely easier said than done). I would make sure to get you DH on board, let him be the gatekeeper or enforcer with everyone, especially with his part of the family.
Having #2, I am now almost more willing to let people come, because I know how good they are at entertaining DS, which will be huge help.
my read shelf:
Totally agree with this. Be sure to schedule the relatives who are NOT helpful for when the twins are older and on a schedule (look at about 2 mos to 3 mos old). Also, don't be shy about what you need done and how you want it done if you are particular about something. Quite frankly, you are probably better off writing that stuff out now versus trying to tell people when hormonal and frazzled after the twins' arrival.
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
Thank you so much for all the advice! I know some members of our families that might be helpful and yet I do know of many that I feel like it would be more like "entertaining" them.
Luckily there is very little room in our apartment (ummm, the couch between the two bedrooms---ha!) for people to stay with us. So basically we highly suggest to visitors to get a hotel for sure....unless they want to sleep on a couch and wake up every 2 hours when the girls cry (so far no one is planning on this with that description!)
I think this is just one of the times where I'm going to have to learn where and when to draw the line and say "no." And to know when I need to limit certain family members' time.
This hardest time will be President's Day weekend when literally everyone (parents, siblings, godparents) will be visiting for the baptism. Hopefully I can wade through that weekend as best as possible. Doesn't help that my parents are divorced and lets just say they are (usually) civil but most certainly not friendly.
Anyways thanks again for the advice and telling me your experience!!