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Keeping friendships in check
Especially when they are of the opposite sex. Over the last nine plus months there has been a lot of tension in our home because of this. I really don't want to rehash all of the details at this time. More importantly, I want to know how you and your SO handle opposite sex friendships. By that, I mean, how often do you call/text your friend? How well does your SO know this friend? What is considered flirting with disaster? And what is an absolute no-no in your book.
We all have different backgrounds and different experiences. Some of us are more guarded and others more laid back. I am of Hispanic descent so I feel my experiences may be very different than some of the view points that are shared here. Infidelity is very common in my culture, and to say that you have a friend of the opposite sex raises eyebrows. Yet being born, raised, and educated in the US, I am aware that more than ever, women have a higher level of education and are in the workforce in greater numbers. That alone exposes us to develop friendships with the opposite sex. I think caution should be exercised with these friendships....please share your experiences.
Re: Keeping friendships in check
My Lunch Blog
Is your H's female friend the one that you were freaking out over when she texted him on 9/11?
Also, what Katie mentioned is a good rule of thumb. If you wouldn't do it front of your SO, don't do it.
I've had male friends that were more "my" friends through work - but DH always met them, we would sometimes socialize together. I met their wives. And so forth. So, the few times I would perhaps go to lunch, or even out for drinks (this was usually as a group, though) - DH never thought twice about it.
And vice versa.
Most of my present male friends are also DH's friends too - so he just simply knows there is nothing to worry about there.
My ultimate take is that any friend (same or opposite sex!) has to be a friend to the marriage. This doesn't mean they have to be friends w/ your spouse or ever socialize w/ your spouse, but that they have to know and respect your spouse and your marriage and understand that your marriage comes first.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You have a good memory. In light of what we were going through at that time, I agree it was blown out of proportion. Long story short, we both concluded it was a "mass" text that was sent to everyone on her phone list.
I guess I'm looking for ground rules, spoken or unspoken, that both of you share regarding opposite sex friendships. I don't expect DH to ever talk with other females. However, that does not mean that they should be playing phone tag or texting daily. Your spouse not knowing this other person that you call a "good friend" is also a red flag.
Oh good Lord. I didn't realize who this was. OP's post history is ridiculous, including bigotry, pettiness, insecurity, and an unrepentant cheating H.
OP, your H keeps cheating on you, and doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. Leave him or accept it and stop trying to change him.
My Lunch Blog
Oh I remember you. I think you need to revisit your old posts on this topic and reread the advice given to you.
I usually give people the benefit of the doubt. I'd like to hear your views on all of the above. Seriously. You are turning a very honest question into some unnecessary, insensitive, and unfair accusation.
I don't think Katie's statements are unfair at all - please refer to your post about "the gay agenda" - and certainly not unnecessary if you're asking us what kind of boundaries your H should have with his female friends. He had an emotional affair, per one of the linked posts. Why do you keep asking the same questions about how to keep your untrustworthy H in check - how long are you going to put up with that?
As long as there are no feelings of something not being right - I'm not going to micro-manage his friendships, and he doesn't do that to me either.
My only "rule" is that there needs to be transparency. ANY friendship needs to be a friendship of the marriage. If DH had a MALE friend who was constantly on him to go out and meet women, or do anything that would make either of us uncomfortable - I would have a problem w/ that person! Gender aside.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
My opposite-sex friendships are the same as my same-sex friendships. That's the point. If they were awkward, we wouldn't be friends. If they were romantic, we wouldn't be friends, since I'm married.
I also wouldn't be married to anyone whom 1) I couldn't trust to be around members of the opposite sex or 2) didn't trust me to maintain platonic friendships with people I've, in some cases, known years longer than I've known him.
40/112
DH and I both work with a lot of people of the opposite sex and consider them friends. We both have jobs that involve being available to people you work with 24/7. DH's job even involves taking people to lunches/dinners on a regular basis and lots of those people are female. Any close friends of the opposite sex tend to be mutual friends. "Guidelines" are not really something we've discussed but I generally don't discuss details of our relationship or private info with anyone, and I'm not having my emotional needs met by my friends at the exclusion of my husband. Our natural boundaries seem to line up re. comfort level.
I think if you all are having constant, intrinsic issues over boundaries you might either not be compatible, one of you might be acting inappropriately, or one of you might be overly insecure.
H may not be within 6 inches of a member of the opposite sex. He may not log more than 30 minutes of talk or chat time with an individual of the opposite sex in any given month (exemptions for work calls). He may not go within 500 ft of a place females are known to congregate.
I mean... honestly.
Yes. Haven't we covered this?
In short, yes, we have friends of the opposite sex. I don't do/say anything to my male friends that I would feel uncomfortable telling DH about.
Not even under supervision?
Not an unfair accusation if it's the truth, that you voluntarily shared with us in the past.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Who do you think is holding the ruler, muddled? He can't read numbers.
Atta girl. I was actually thinking that your rules were a little lax, but I didn't want to say anything.
This is all part of the gay agenda, honey.
If this is how awesome marriage is, maybe teh gheys can do without it.
My Lunch Blog
Just lurking, but I remember the "gay agenda" post. So I'm gonna give this a
as well.
Just a humble lurker's opinion, but you both win.
OP, if my husband had friendships with females that I thought he needed to keep "in check", I'd be rethinking my choice of husband.
Right.... because there are two people with the the name Nancy6306 on the nest... how oblivious of all of us.
Epic lol