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Jobless Husband? suggestions
I'm posting this under a fake alias but I am a regular poster on this board (I should note that I like cows hence the reason for the name). I'm sorry this might get a little long.
DH and I have been married now for 8 years. He's worked for the federal government since getting married, same agency, same thing etc. He was seeing a therapist for depression, and adhd all brought on by his job. Well, things got worse with his job, he got put on written warning and just didn't care anymore.
He was pretty much asked to resign, so last week Friday was his last day of work. We've known this is coming, we've known he's been unhappy but he hasn't done anything about it. He was the main breadwinner, insurance carrier etc. I was able to get on my own insurance at work and had to pick up a 2nd job so we can at least comfortable pay bills, make ends meet. I'm now working my full time job (45 hrs a week) plus part time (16 hrs a week).
I've tried to encourage DH to go back to his therapist (he won't) or see someone new (he won't). The past 2 days he's done nothing but sit at home and complain he's bored. He has yet to work on his resume, won't look for jobs etc. I get he's depressed and I understand. I emailed him 4 great jobs but he didn't do anything and suprise they're not available anymore. When I come home from work I'm exhausted and want nothing more than to sit and relax but he wants to go "bumming" which will lead to spending on his part.
I haven't nagged but have asked he at least help me out - he's managed to cook dinner for 2 nights but I asked him to put the Christmas tree away amongst other things (none of which has been done). I asked today if he worked on his resume and he said yah a little. When I asked to see how far he got he said he didn't.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what I can do to encourage him to get his resume together? I'm not going to write it for him. His lack of concern is going to wear thin on me. I hate to have my father in law talk with him but I don't know what else to do (mother in law passed away last year). I'm trying to hold stong for both of us but it's NOT easy.
I might also DD this later.
Re: Jobless Husband? suggestions
You're working 60 hrs/week to make ends meet and he's doing nothing? That is so NOT OK. Have you told him that in those terms? I would be so angry. I understand that depression is debilitating, but refusing treatment and letting you work 60 hrs/week while he refuses treatment and doesn't pursue getting a job, any job, to help make ends meet, is absolutely unacceptable.
And, I don't want to pile on, but getting fired from a Fed job raises a huge red flag to me. There's got to be a lot to that story, because federal firing happens, well, almost never. If he saw the writing on the wall, he should have been looking long before he was asked to leave. (Maybe he was, in which case, never mind.)
I'm sorry. I don't have anything more constructive to offer because I think my actions in this situation would be terribly unconstructive. The best I can offer is to suggest marriage counseling for both of you, and if he refuses to go counseling for you alone so that you can work on some ideas to help both of you.
hugs! so sorry you are going through this. he definitely should continue helping out but he sounds really depressed right now..encourage him to see his therapist.
i'm in the private sector in hr so I'm not sure how the gov't sector works with networking...but he should do that. I can review his resume if you want if you take out personal info like his contact info and name of agency/co he's worked for. feel free to PM if you want
I get what you're saying. I should really preface this by saying I don't "need" to work the 2nd job but I do. I can cover the bills with my normal full time job but the small extra is nice so we don't struggle.
Yes, I know getting asked to resign from the government is a red flag. The industry he is in and the agency (dept of commerce) has an incredibly HIGH turnover ratio. Unlike some of the other agencies he actually had to work. His job was all production based and the higher you went in steps/grae level the more work you were expected to do. I'll admit, I wouldn't be able to do what he did. When hee did turn his notice in dept of commerce was willing to work with him but he just didn't want it anymore. His boss was sad to see him go but understood completely why he was doing it. I saw the writing on the wall long before he did but I don't think he wanted to "think" about it or he thought that will never happen to him. He really did just get burned out.
DH doesn't like change, he never has. Since today is his 2nd day of unemployment I haven't laid into him too much. I have kinda sat back and since he keeps complaining he's bored my comment is always the same to go find a job. I know he's hurting right now and righfully so.
I might suggest counseling to him towards the end of the week if things don't change.
I should say that my normal reaction would also be "it's his second day, give him a week or 2 to recover." And, I think maybe you should with some clear plan for what he's going to do after he gets some time to breathe. And in the mean time, no complaining about being bored or I will give you chores! (I would say that to my DH, and we'd both laugh, so revise as appropriate.)
I think I know where he worked based on your follow-up. I understand the pressures of production, and it sounds like he needed a change. Has he applied for unemployment? Is he eligible?
One last point for you, I wouldn't send him job links or otherwise participate in his job search unless he asks you to review something. He's got to do this on his own for any number of reasons. I *know* you mean well and it affects you too, but I think it ends up being a little too "motherly." Just my opinion.
GL to both of you!
I think he should be working the part time job during the search, not you! If it's financially beneficial to have a second, part time income, why don't you suggest that route to him. It may be less daunting than finding an entirely new career. Also, maybe trying something new would be good and exciting for him.
I agree that laying into him on only the 2nd day is not a good idea, but it sounds like his previous actions have led up to this and he will need more than a subtle push to get moving.
Sounds like you might be overreacting a little if it's only been 2 days... I mean, this could go on for months, so you're going to have to take a chill pill.
Aside from dealing with the depression, it seems like he's really going to need to figure out what he wants to do, before jumping into another job that makes him unhappy. Rather than focusing so much on the resume, maybe you should help him with some reflection on what types of jobs might make him happier and the path to getting there. Maybe he'll need to take a short training course, or something like that.
Everyone jumps to marriage counseling, etc. But, maybe it might be better for him to get a career counselor or life coach, while you get separate help on how to support him. If you suggest a career counselor, he might be more receptive to talking to someone and formulating a plan - someone that can inspire him and find the right "fit" job-wise. I mean, I think I have ADD (undiagnosed) and I'd go CRAZY in a production based job. The one part of my job that's centered around that type of work is my worst level of performance, and when my boss starts noticing that my numbers are down, it makes me anxious (not that it really impacts me overall, because it's a small part of my job...) I was lucky enough to stumble into my job... but, he could seek out something that's more closely matches with his natural motivations and abilities.
I'm pretty sure getting out of a job he hated is going to turn out to be the best decision he's made for himself and for you in the long run. I'm sure he feels the pressure of finding a new job, is probably unhappy that you are working 2 jobs, and is stressed out now more than ever. He's probably unsure of what he should do next, and maybe a little worried that what he ends up doing will result in the same job-unhappiness.
I'd give him a couple weeks to unwind. Maybe he should take this opportunity to try something new. It may mean he has to start out at a lower salary, but if he truly loves something, it's worth it...as long as you don't have to work 2 jobs.
I think this -- sometimes leaving a truly bad job is,in the end, the best thing that could have happened. How he left -- the mark on his "permanent record" -- might be an issue in the future, but perhaps less so if he chooses a new field.
Like some of the pps, I'd give him a break on this only being the first week off. I appreciate that you (and he) knew it was coming and yes, he should have been doing something before last Friday to prepare, but given his mental state, that wasn't going to happen. I do think that a serious sit-down talk about him needing help, needs to take place soon. It's not like that's new information, and as someone above me said, he needs to deal with that before he can figure out what he wants to do next.
And he needs to get at least a PT job. You working 2 and him working none = bad mojo for your future. There's no way that's not going to end up in resentment. Plus it gets him out of the house and with other people - which has to help with the depression (I know nothing about the disease; I don't mean to armchair diagnose.)
Good luck on this and even if you do DD later, can you come back and let us know how's it going? You're not in this alone, either.
"What is a week-end?"
Sorry you are going through this. I have no real advice but I do like the idea of a life coach. Also, I would get bitter very quickly if I was working 60 hours a week and DH was working none so I would definitely bring that up in conversation.
First - I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Huge hugs.
Second - right or wrong, I don't know what's right for you guys... but here's what I'd probably do in your situation:
If you're really concerned that DH is depressed to the point it becomes debilitating (unable to look for work, keep the house, etc.) Then I would talk to him RIGHT NOW. But not the "Come to Jesus" talk. I'd simply tell him this sucks, I'm here for him, and I'm going to give him X time (2 weeks maybe) to kinda regroup. That would be the focus. But I'd also mention that at the end of that time, my hope is that he'll have a plan.
If at the end of that time (not that I'm making him focus on a deadline of sorts) I see things continuing to spiral downward (not taking down the tree yet, not helping around the house, looking for no jobs, etc.), THEN we have a talk about my expectations from a husband.
Like pp said, it'll be tough not to 'mother' him. My first gut reaction would also to be a "to do" list including everything from fixing a resume, submitting 3 job inquiries per day, etc. but obviously that's not going to work. I'd tell him point blank what I expect from him (for you that may be setting up counseling, getting at least a PT job while he looks, etc.).
Again - sorry you're dealing with this. This sucks.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
I know if it was my DH, I'd immediately expect him to get RIGHT on the job hunt. Mainly because that's what I would do. I'd be motivated to jump in with both feet with sending out resumes, networking, and I'd probably have done it while still in the old crappy job.
But I'v learned with my own DH that my expectation of what someone should do in any scenario shouldn't be what would I do in the same situation.
You know him well. This is a huge opportunity for both of you. Heck he could change the whole course of his life (and your life together) after this. It was brave to walk away from that job. Really brave. I admire him.
You got great advice above, but I just wanted to make this point about not expecting him to do what you would do. You're two different people. I know I tend to put a lot of expectations on my own DH because I want him to react to things the way I would. And that's not always a good thing.
Ditto pretty much everything that the pp's said above.
I just wanted to add, though, have you thought about perhaps going to counseling on your own? Obviously it will be difficult to fit into your schedule with the hours that you are working, but perhaps it will help for you to talk to someone, even if he is unwilling to. As you may know (I'm not sure who you are so I don't know if you know who I am....) I've had a rough year and am currently in counseling with DH. It started off as couples, but he travels so much that I tend to go on my own 70+% of the time - and though I never felt that I needed individual counseling (of course it was always him...) it has been nothing short of a godsend for me. I am learning to communicate better, understanding my expectations, needs and limitations better, and it has truly made me take a different approach to life on a daily basis - and not just where it concerns our marriage. I think that everyone needs an impartial third party to talk to at some time in their life.
Good luck, hope everything works out how you'd like it to.
I too think he should be at least working part time.
If my spouse complained about being bored, when I was working 60 hours a week trying to support us, he would have to duck quick from sh!t storm that would be flying his way.
But yelling probably won't solve this problem as tempting as it is. I agree with the suggestions given by PP. Make a plan a new job together and look into counseling for yourself or your DH. I feel for you. Give it a little time, let him mourn his job loss and then work with him to get back in the saddle.
Off to the beach
DS 7/18/2010
Handy 2.0 Due Early August
2011/2012 Races
12/17/2011 Christmas Caper 10K
2/11/2012 Have a Heart 5K
3/17/2012 DC RNR Half Marathon
4/22/2012 10M Parkway Classic
10/28/2012 Marine Corps Marathon