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My Mother
Couldn't find a place on the Knot, so I came here. Our wedding is set for May 12, 2012. We are paying for it ourselves - by my parents choice/recommendtion. They paid for their own wedding and believe it is the correct way. I'm fine with that part, but it has also made me feel as thought all the decisions should be mine/ours (I care about way more than he does regarding the details......you know the story. We went home for the holidays and I stayed a couple of extra days than FI to plan wedding stuff that he wasn't into doing. After FI left, my mom starts hinting that I have too much control and too much of my time vested in the wedding. I usually get along well with her, but we have always hit disagreements that turn into fights because are very similar but have very different lives. The hinting turned into an emotional fight. I left theri house with all the weight of her words. I have been upset ever since. She told me that I need therapy to deal with my inability to process opinions that differ from my own. These conversations/ideas turned into 1/2 a day of fighting over the phone on Sunday and me starting to think that they are right....so I went to my PCP because I thougth I was suffering from anxiety. The PCP recommended group therapy with my parents. Mom called later to find out about the appointment. I gave her the run through, but she got very upset and hung up the phone when I said group therapy and has not talked to me in any way since. I am so bothered by this.....I'm worried it will affect our wedding. My FI agrees with me (basically) and says not to worry and that I give my family too much consideration and let it bother me too much. Do you think I should be worried? What will happen? My parents are doing great decorations for the wedding....this is a bad time for this kind of thing. Ideas, please?
Re: My Mother
I love how your mom tells you that you need to go to therapy but will not even respond when you ask her to go with you. What is she afraid of? That you are correct and she is not?
I think you should keep at this and not only go individually but also continue to ask your mother to go with you. Hopefully she will make the effort and you both can take turns talking through your issues and come out with a better understanding of each other not to mention you learning some coping skills to deal with her.
You might be giving your family too much consideration and therapy can help you figure out where to place your boundaries. I wouldn't worry about this affecting the wedding. It is more important to figure out how to deal with your anxiety over things now and then your wedding will hopefully be a little less stressful.
"After FI left, my mom starts hinting that I have too much control and too much of my time vested in the wedding"
too much control? who else does she think should share control with you?
"O.k.- mom, thanks for your concern", smile and be done with it.
Probably part of the reason she "hints" and things snowball from there is that she knows she can get to you. Stop letting her get to you. Don't worry so much about what they think.
If your'e an adult and about to be married... you don't need her permission.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I guess it's always hard to fully comprehend someone else's situation when you're reading about it from a post on The Nest. That said, it seems to me that if you and your fiance are paying in full for the wedding, you have a right to your own decisions.
Do you feel like you mom is manipulating you or using guilt to get you to do things differently? Is she really just stating opinions that are different from yours, or does she expect you to change your wedding based on her opinions?
I ask these questions because I have a mom and a mother-in-law who both became very difficult at times during the wedding planning process. When I say "difficult," I mean that at one point or another each of them got emotional and started crying because they wanted things to go their way, not ours. My mother-in-law, for example, wanted all of her personal friends included in our rehearsal dinner. We wanted the rehearsal dinner to be a smaller gathering with just the wedding party members and their spouses.
Everything worked out in the end, but things became pretty heated at times when the two mothers didn't get their way.
Oh, and I should add: I think the other posters are smart to say that you should go ahead with the therapy. I have definitely had to work over the years to make sure my mom's actions or emotions didn't affect me so much. I've always been the type who will bend under pressure if I think it will keep her happy and avoid a confrontation. It's hard for me to sometimes say, "You know what, my mom can feel bad if she wants to. That doesn't mean I have to change my plans just to appease her."
You're giving her the power to upset you by making her involved in EVERYTHING.
it's your wedding - not to mention that you are paying for everything. to my mind, this means you have 100% decision making power. if you choose to take into account the ideas of your mother or others, that's great but you are certainly not obligated.
Wedding planning makes people insane. It just does. It is totally unlike any other plan/event in your life and Ihave seen completely rational, warm people turn into screaming shrews.
Gotta give your mom one for originality - a mother that's upset that her daughter has too much control in her wedding/relationship. You don't often hear that complaint.
And I don't know the situation, but to say that you "need therapy" because you can't handle accepting her different opinion is highly manipulative. I mean - come on! Maybe you just REALLY disagree with her. Do you need to go to therapy because she's really wrong? And I just LOVE that you offered group therapy and she completely rejected it. I think that tells the whole story. She's not really interested in working this out as much as she's interested in making you wrong and "needing help".
My very rational, supportive mother completely lost her sh!t and tried to get out of a moving car after one of my dress fittings. Why? I don't really remember.
You will survive this. Someday. Sometimes a little distance from mothers/parents isn't a bad thing. It makes you be a grown up. Them, too.