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XP: SD Birthday Party Drama
Thought I might let you guys in on a little personal "blended family" drama I've got going on. I know that not many of you are stepmoms, but I'm interested in your opinions! - - - - - How do you handle birthday parties for a child who has two sets of parents? Originally, BM and her H, H and I all had one big party for SD (she's 6). However, last year was the first year that H and I were married, and we wanted to invite my brother and his family, and my parents. BM threw a huge fit and uninvited my entire family the day before the party, causing us to plan a spontaneous party of our own for H and I's families with SD. H and I agreed last year that two separate parties will be best for everyone moving forward. Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and BM asked H if we'd please consider having one big party this year (SD's bday is in early February). She said my family could come, as well as anyone else we want to invite, and we could help plan the party. Who knows what her motivation is for this request. While I would LOVE for SD to have one big party with everyone she loves, I side-eye this request from BM. I think our relationship with BM has been improving, but I don't think I trust her enough to not blow up before the party. Plus, I think it would be tense and awkward for my family (and H's family) to be at a party with BM after the way she acted last year. Further complicating the issue, BM tries to be buddy-buddy with H's family. I'm sure she'll invite them all to the party she's planning, and H's family will probably feel like they should go, which will just piss me off to no end. So, I'm trying to figure out the path of least drama, so to speak. One big party will be a risk, and two parties will probably be a pain. Thoughts? |
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Re: XP: SD Birthday Party Drama
Two parties. No question about it. Your SD isn't hurting to have two birthday parties and there's no way this turns out happy for everyone. There will be plenty of opportunity for everyone to awkwardly mix later.
You can't really control who she invites to hers (it's weird, yeah, but I wouldn't begrudge your H's family for not turning down the invite since that puts them in a weird position no matter what they choose).
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Okay, this is where it gets even more complicated. Don't rip my H a new one... he's still learning how to handle situations like this.
I guess BM asked him about having one party a week or so ago, and he said he'd talk it over with me and we'd let her know. Then she asked him about it again a few nights ago, and he told her we hadn't had a chance to talk about it, but if we were going to have one party that he knew I'd want to be involved in planning, and that she should text me with more info.
Mmhmm. So now he's inadvertently put me in the middle of everything.
Dont give her any response until the two of you get to talk it over. I don't think he's committed to anything just yet.
On a side note, if you want things to flow through him instead of directly to you, tell him that. If he still puts you in the middle, then there's reason to be mad at him.
I was annoyed with him because he told her to contact me. I'm fine with her contacting me directly IF we'd decided to do one party together. I'm afraid it makes her think we're agreed to go along with one party. Then, if/when H tells her we want to stick with two parties, she'll probably assume it's because I wouldn't agree to it.
I know this seems ridiculous, but BM isn't a reasonable person. She's continually made choices for SD based solely on how much it will hurt H and I. Up until the past six months or so, her every decision seemed motivated by what would be most inconvenient for us, because she wanted H to pay for filing for divorce. I'm not totally convinced that she's a changed woman, yet. I'd love to believe that. I'd love to have a cordial - or even friendly - relationship with her.
Anyway, my main motivation is to protect myself, H, my family, and even SD from her blow-ups. That's H's responsibility, but I try to do what I can, too.
It seems like we are always going through the exact same things at the exact same time. I am with Wendy on this...we actually discussed my situation last night and her response was the same - have two different parties and although I like to live in dream world that everything is all puppies and rainbows - she is right.
This way, you and your husband can have your own party, plan it the way you want, don't have to worry about splitting costs, and don't have to worry about unnecessary drama. I am sure your SD will appreciate it as well.
As far as being buddy-buddy with your H's parents...again, something we also struggle with, but you can't control it. It has to be hard to be in that situation as a grandparent, but perhaps your H can say to his parents "We are having a party for SD. I am sure you will be invited to BM's party for her but there is no reason to attend given we are also having one for her and you are my parents." If they choose to attend anyway, there is nothing you can do about it but at least he has said his peace about it.
I agree with everything Wendy has said. Two parties, no discussion. Your H needs to tell BM how it's going to be and not put you in the middle of the situation.
Hopefully you and H's relationship with BM will improve. Although, didn't you say she was getting divorced? That will give her more free time to stir the pot. I know when our BM got married and had another kid things improved for us.
I get the annoyance at the potential for her to misconstrue that as you deciding not to, but if she does, so what? Let her be mad at whomever she wants for her perceived slight. She may not get it, but all of this is her own doing.
I'm sure you're 100% correct that she's at least partially motivated from a bitter/jealous/vengeful place, but letting that get to you means she 'wins' and accomplishes her goal. You're doing the right thing by disengaging from the potential for drama and hurt feelings. Don't give her the opportunity to do the same thing again this year.
I know this is REALLY horrible but my first thought was "Well, OF COURSE she wants one birthday party so she can take all the credit but YOU pay for it."
Ugh, I am such a greedy, horrible, money whore.
Ha! What are the odds that we're dealing with this at the same time? (Actually, they must be pretty good.)
I agree with you on all of this. It's good to have confirmation of what I already was leaning toward.
Yes - she's allegedly separated pending divorce from her second husband, and it did cross my mind that it might have something to do with the recent turn of events. For a few years after H and BM got divorced, her main goal was getting his family on her side. They finally realized what was going on, and for a long time, she didn't talk to any of them. I'm thinking that maaaybe she wants to do one big party so she can feel completely guilt-free about inviting them, and get them back on her side for support. That's the best I can come up with for a motive for her to want to share a party.
It's all so crazy. I never thought I'd have this much drama in my life as an adult.
Agreed. Thanks for the advice!