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Told H last night (LONG)
Sorry this is so long. I pretty much copied and pasted from an e-mail I sent, so if some of it doesn't make sense, I apologize. Sorry about the different font at the end too.
Things went pretty well last night. Although neither one of us actually said "divorce" it was heavily implied and understood. I told him that I had seen a counselor through work and that I realized how unhappy I really was. I also asked him about an incident that happened the month before we got married. We were coming home from a friend's wedding from Jamestown. It was about 1 or 2 in the morning and I was driving. Well, I hit a deer. H never asked if I was ok. The first thing out of his mouth was swearing and yelling why didn't I swerve. He said last night that that was his way of trying to get out. He also sounded terrible the day of our wedding. His sister said it was just jitters, but I just knew it was more than that. We said last night that looking back we probably got married for the wrong reasons. I am glad that he admitted that because I don?t feel as guilty as I originally did because I now feel it is not all on me.
I also told him that I consulted with an attorney. He asked what he said and I told him the two options were mediation (which is cheaper) or we each get a lawyer and do the traditional court hearings and such. He asked what he had to say about the girls and I told him that I said I'd like to share custody as there is no reason for either of us to keep the girls from the other. He asked about school and I said that since we most likely would have the sell the house (which he didn't comment on so I'm not sure if he'd try to keep it) and that we'd each most likely move back in with our parents. I didn't and still do not want the girls to go the his area school district. H said, what if I don't want them to go to where I went to school? I said I'd be in just outside of there and that even the attorney agreed that that city had a good school district. I hope H agrees and realizes that a better school district is best for the girls.
We also talked about how this would affect the girls. I said they are young, they will adjust. I mentioned that I was 13 when my parents divorced and that although I 100% agreed that it was best, it was still hard. Although there were issues with their marriage that we don't have in ours. He said since I am a child of divorce that I have not had any guidance to what a happy marriage is like. And although I don't want that for the girls, I also think it's wrong for them to see us in an unloving marriage. Yes, right now they are little and don't notice that, but as they get older and get into boys and dating, I don't want them to "settle" because it's just OK rather than actually be in loving relationship/marriage.
So even though he knows I am done, he still wants to go on a marriage workshop retreat to see if that will help us. He said he understands that it probably won't, but that it might be a good idea regardless. It is a weekend retreat for couples who are contemplating separation/divorce and/or those who have already separated/divorced. It's a Catholic venue, but all are welcome. I'm torn. I think it would actually be a waste of money and time and I don't want to give him a false hope that things could get better. I did tell him that I think he can get 3 free meetings with a counselor through my work if he'd like. I told him I would get the number for him and he could check it out. I don't want to do marriage counseling together because I don't think I would be as open and honest as I am when I was alone with the counselor. I would probably either not talk or throw some BS out there. Plus, to me, it would be a waste of time as I don't want to "save" the marriage.
So, all in all, it did go pretty well. I think in a way we're both at fault here and I told him there is nothing wrong with him and nothing wrong with me (he may think otherwise though) and that we just don't work toghether. I want us to be happy and I don't see that happening if we stay together.
Thanks for listening!
Our Angel baby, lost at 6w6d on 6/10/08
Re: Told H last night (LONG)
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
I'm glad it seems to have went well. Be prepared for things to possibly get rocky though. It seems as if your STBXH might be in a bit of denial. If you really don't want to do the marriage retreat thing, just be honest and say no. There's no point in doing it if you've already checked out.
I do agree with the poster above that counselling might be a good idea as far as your children are concerned. No going to work on the marriage, but getting advice on how to break the news to the kids, how to make the transitions and changes as easy as possible, etc.
Thanks for the update I was wondering how it went for you. Sounds like it went well and I am glad he was honest with you and you were able to resolve some of your guilt.
I hope you are able to be amicable and work things out for the sake of your children.