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Would you leave?
I'm turning to you because I need another perspective of this situation. My best friend turned to me for advice and I'm just not sure I'm giving her the right one. She has a seasonal job that gives her a couple of months off during the summer. Being from another country it allows her to go home and visit her family and relatives. Her dh usually goes to visit for a couple for weeks. Although this summer he didn't go. He stayed back because he had trouble at work and decided to "take the summer" off to get a break before starting a new job.
She comes back and tells me that something was really different this summer. They always talk over the phone and email and this summer he wasn't really available and stayed with his family a lot. It should have been the opposite since he didn't work. But it was like he "fell off the wagon" and partied away. He's usually a responsible guy and always made sure to take care of them so this wasn't like him. He still took care of his responsibilites when it comes to financial stuff but she had a feeling something was going on.
When she returned she couldn't help to check his computer and found pictures of his partying. She knew of his trips with his guy friends because he told her about that. But she was shocked to see that he was partying with a younger kind of crowd. And after having gone to some kind of work seminar they went out to dinner with two other girls. She showed me the pics and trust me, they were not really attractive girls. But he also got in touch with an old friend from school and her girlfriend and there were pics from them having lunch and sitting in the jacuzzi laughing together.
She has kind of confronted him about this but he gets upset because he tells her that it was all "innocent" and those girls were just friends. His friend from school is someone he looks at like a sister. He can agree that it doesn't look appropriate and that he probably wouldn't be happy if he found pics of HER in the same situation. But he is very double standard and I think part of him think it's ok for him to do this but not her. I know him and I don't think he cheated on her but I do agree that it was wrong of him to act like this. I am too surprised to see him behave in this kind of "spring break" behavior because at 40 I think it's way too old to be acting like this and to take pics like you're 20. Who takes pics of random chicks and saves them. But I can also look at like if he was really cheating he wouldn't have pics of it.
I feel bad for my girlfriend because this is still troubling her very much. They haven't really discussed this and she can't forget about the pictures she found. I feel bad for her and I don't know if I would stay if I was her. BUT leaving for that long is never good for any relationship and I think what he was going through at his job made him really just relax and hang out all summer. I'm definitely not trying to justify his behavior but I don't know if it's worth throwing away your marriage for??
Am I giving her the wrong advice by telling her to give him a break on this and what would you do?
Re: Would you leave?
I don't know if I'd leave right away, but I'd definitely be urging him in to therapy. Speaking as a total outsider, if he was really that stressed at work that he needed 3 months off and started engaging in some destructive behavior, he might have some serious issues like depression.
Does she think he cheated on her? It's been discussed on this board many times that you need to define within your own marriage what cheating means. Some people are ok with things that others think it too much. She needs to decide if this is a deal breaker for her.
And don't let her think that that time away "pushed" him in to doing anything. He's a big boy who can make his own choices. They may not always be the right choices, but they are his and his alone.
She has kind of confronted him about this but he gets upset because he tells her that it was all "innocent" and those girls were just friends.
If it were all innocent, she would have known about a lot of this (if not the specific details) before finding the pictures. And I FULLY believe if it were really innocent, he wouldn't have gotten upset.
To be blunt, if he didn't actually cheat, I have to wonder if it's simply because these younger girls simply weren't into a 40 year old guy. I mean... that is weird. An older guy hanging out w/ a much younger crowd? The girls may have not been interested.
I don't know that this is marriage ending, but I sure as heck would NOT "give him a break". He needs to understand that hwat he did was wrong, and his having a double standard isn't something to gloss over.
if he's having some kind of midlife crisis, maybe he needs counseling for himself, and I would actually probably suggest that for both of them.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
There seems to be a lot wrong here and no I wouldn't give him a break.
DId he come out to visit her at all?
He needed a three month break from work to just party?
Somethings fishy here?
How is he now ? Does he still want to hang out with these young friends? Does he email these people ?
That's an important question I didn't think about. Was he only hanging out with and talking to these people when she wasn't around? If so, fishy.
I don't think that I would leave right away either. I would definitely be watching his behavior closely and watching for signs of cheating. I would insist on therapy, couples and individual (for him at least).
I can't imagine what could happen at work that I would need 3 months to recover. To me this suggests that he needs help.
BUT leaving for that long is never good for any relationship and I think what he was going through at his job made him really just relax and hang out all summer. I'm definitely not trying to justify his behavior but I don't know if it's worth throwing away your marriage for??
You certainly ARE making excuses for him. I can assure you there are plenty of couples that spend a lot of time apart for various reasons and their partners are NOT hanging out with people in a hot tub, taking pictures of it and saving them!
Lots of people also have stressful jobs...my H included...he isnt jumping into any hot tubs, or hanging out with 20 year olds. another non excuse!
If she cant get over it...she needs to go to counseling WITH him and if he refuses then id say its pretty much a lost cause for her.
I can't even imaging being in this situation. If our marriage got to the point where either one of us didn't want to bother to see the other for a few months, I think I'd be leaving him without going to the effort of looking through his computer.