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do it? no?
long story short: been separated for 2 years however for the past year neither of us have been seeing anyone else (i never did, he had a few short term relationships, nothing lasting over a month) For the past 6 months he led me on about the possibility of us working things out, said and did things that led me to believe we were working towards moving back in together (he's even admitted this to me)
A few days before Christmas he told me that he had been lying to me and that he had recently met someone online that he was going to start dating.
Obviously this broke my heart all over again.
He wants us to be 'friends' for him, me and the kids to do things all together as a "family" blah blah blah, we spent Christmas together (the 4 of us) cause I was still in shock and couldn't fathom not being a family on Christmas, and then spent new years eve with him as well (in which he did a few things that I shouldn't have allowed him to do but couldn't create those boundaries... think naked pics cause it comes into play)
Well he's told me about this woman he's dating (don't ask me why, each time I tell him I don't want to hear it) and because of all this info I admit, I was weak, caved, and found her on facebook.
I DESPERATELY want to say something to her. Don't really know what I want to say but I really want her to know that he's not who he seems, tell her the things he did on New years Eve (he asked, i didn't offer, but no i didn't say no)
He's said that if I say something to her he'll be really pissed off at me, it won't make him come back, it's not how I show him i've changed and win him back (i freely admit to going kinda crazy on his last girlfriend when he did similiar things, i've learned to be upset with him though and not them)
And on one hand i don't care about making him mad, but he's really the only person I know up here so I'm scared to alienate myself from him.
So what would you do? Tell her and risk making him mad? Let her realize he's scum on her own? It literally makes me feel sick to my stomach to think of him being with someone else... and part of me wants to contact her JUST to piss him off. (though I also think she deserves to know.... i would want to know....)
I am in counseling but have only been to 2 sessions so we haven't covered anything like this...
(oh and he's now texting me to ask me to keep the kids on his nights to have them next week so he can see her for her birthday... and I don't want to)
Re: do it? no?
Let her find out he's scum on her own. And while you're at it, YOU need to realize this man is scum and move on with your life.
Do not contact her. What could you possible say or learn from her that would help you at all? So you tell her you hooked up or whatever, then what? He tells her you're a crazy ex or whatever and you prove it by reaching out to her. He doesn't sound like a quality guy, while it sucks to admit, it's the truth. You need to keep going to your counselor to talk about why you would allow him to treat you like this. You deserve better.
For what it's worth, I think you need to make some very clear boundaries for your relationship with him for yourself and your kids. If he's with someone else, it's not really going to work to try and be friends and spend holidays together. Your job is to co-parent civily not be buddies.
1. Don't text her, contact her, ANY OF THAT.
2. Do not help him out with his request for you to keep the kids during his time so he can celebrate her birthday.
3. DO NOT allow him to keep hurting you like this. He's keeping you on a leash. He wants to have you close enough to pull back in, while having his fun on the side.
In conclusion: f*ck him, very much. right in the eye.
Like...times a million!!
All of this and stop doing things "as a family" .
It sounds like he's using you as the backup plan when he's not getting enough attention from other women. Tattling on him won't do any good. After all, it sounds like you know he's up to no good but you still put yourself in a position to be manipulated time and again.
Don't contact her, contact a lawyer.
He's done, he's just stringing you along and you are letting him. Why?
You deserve better and your kids deserve better.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
He is so definitely using you as a backup plan. Don't let him.
And continue w/ that therapy. You supposedly want to tell her what a scum he is, but in the same breath you're worried about upsetting him because then he might not "take you back".
Honey... you need to move on!!! You need to NOT WANT HIM. You need to take that power away from him.
And I fully agree- stop doing things "as a family". You actually aren't a family anymore and trust me, EVERY TIME you get together, your kids are going to be sitting there hoping and praying that this means you all are getting back together.
Don't do this to them. It's devastating - and you're doing it to them over and over and over. Stop it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think everyone's advice has been sound thus far -
if you contact her, she's just going to believe that you're the crazy ex because her relationship is with him, not you. So she'll believe him when he inevitably says that.
Also, f*ck him, very much, right in the eye.