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Giving up on sex?
Been married a while. While I wasn't a virgin when we got married my husband was. At the time I really thought that it was great that he was waiting, but since our honeymoon I've actually wished that he had some prior experience. He's ultra conservative etc. and every time I even try to gently suggest things or try to show him how in a sensitive way he gets upset. (I know men have fragile ego's but his is super sensitive)
We've only had sex in 2 positions, him on top, me on top. He refuses to let me go down on him. Don't know why - he just says it's not something he wants or is interested in ...isn't that a little strange? I thought all men went crazy about that - at least ex boyfriend did? Anyway - he goes down on me sometimes but really doesn't know what he's doing and after a long time we're both just frustrated at me not getting off and again - can't tell him how to change what he's going. He actually got mad at me once saying he "knows what he's doing" really? So why am I NOT GETTING OFF THEN? With intercourse I can only get there with some touching and he does it so roughly I feel like he's using a sander on me or something nuts because he does it so hard and too fast and it's just not pleasant at all. Last time we did it I touched myself during because I just really needed release and he got upset because I was touching myself. I've really had it and don't know what to do. I do not condone cheating but have so fantasized about it - I just can't help it. Any advice from anyone about this would be appreciated.
Re: Giving up on sex?
Did you do any pre-marital counseling, or read any couples sex books? It's never too late to do couples counseling. If you didn't do any, you could casually bring it up as a "good idea", and bring up your concerns in the sessions.
If your husband is conservative in the sex department, I can recommend some Christian books (even if he isn't Christian, I think they will help a lot, but align more closely with where he is currently at)
1: 'Sheet Music', or 'Sex Starts in the Kitchen' by Kevin Leeman
2: 'His Needs, Her Needs' by Willard F. Harley Jr.
But if you want to and he knows you'll love to do it, he should be comfortable with the fact that you're ready and willing -- and enthusiastic as hell about it.:)
What you need to do:
Communicate.
Discuss this out of the bedroom -- put aside a good chunk of time on a weekend and get down to brass tacks about your sex life and what you want out of it.
He can also use some lessons in good ole fashioned TACT....and he needs to be more open minded about sex, period. He's got to understand some basic physiology -- a rough touch, for example, may feel great to you at the start but it may be pretty damn painful with the more you get aroused.
I also suggest getting some manstream couples' sex manuals -- bookstores sell them. Check some out.
His viewpoints about sex are very immature and callous. I'm wondering what's going on inside his head -- he got all upset when you touched yourself?? Ugh.
i think that you need to sit him down and explain to him that sex is very important and he needs to have enough respect for you to take the time to learn how to make you happy and he also needs to allow you as the more experienced partner how much fun other positions and orifices can be. he needs to understand that sex can make or break a relationship and if he wants yours to work he needs to work at it
in your position i would buy a few of those couples books and listen to violet blues podcast (it is probably still free on itunes) and YOU READ THEM FIRST if something you read resonates with you have him read that, the same goes for listening to the podcast (although you should encourage him to listen and read on his own too in order to see if something strikes his fancy. after you have read the books and had him read the excerpts you chose i would assign one thing to perfect per week for example you could have one week where you work on his cunnilingus skills and on what i am assuming are trust issues with the fellatio. another week you could work on doggy style and work up to the more exotic stuff
good luck
I hope you don't mind a lurker commenting here.
Not all guys are crazy about bjs...And for those that have never had one before, it can be very intimidating.
Like PPs have said, it sounds like you and your hubby need to have a serious conversation about all of this outside the bedroom. If he still responds poorly to you, then I would recommend some couples therapy (which can help with communication skills).
My hubby used to get upset/mad at me when I would suggest trying something different to spice things up, or a different touch, etc until we had a major sit down and talked about how bad it would hurt when he would manually stimulate me. Was his ego hurt...Yes. Did it help things...Yes. I told him that I wanted him to learn how I like things and it's become a game to see how well he can read my body's response to his actions. Do I still need to que him? Sometimes.
While your hubby was inexperienced when you got married and that may account for some of the immaturity towards you touching yourself, I agree with what PPs have said about it.
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You're asssuming this guy is a Christian? He could be anything -- even an athiest.
Christian books aren't where it is at for a case like this: this guy needs to listen to his wife, he has to be a bit more proactive regarding what she wants and his wife isn't getting that from him. He's got to work as a team with her.
To be fair, Sheet Music would teach him that. But he has to be willing to change in the first place, the OP makes it sound like he's not. He seems very immature and not really interested in pleasing her because if he was, he'd listen to her suggestions.
Sorry, OP. Are you having any of these conversations outside the bedroom, clothed? Maybe he'd be more receptive if you didn't talk to him in the heat of the moment. If you've already tried that, I don't know what to say. I'd probably tell him it's time for either counseling or separation.
Communication is a must. Indeed have a talk with this guy outside the bedroom. He owes it to you to listen. The thing is that you adn he have to work on this together --- and he has to be willing to work with you on this.
Sounds like a fragile male ego, fear and pride. Mixed with some "hell fire" sermons at church.
Looks like you will have to be both strong and sensitive and educate him.
I wasn't assuming anything, I even included a disclaimer that "if he isn't a christian". My point is that this is a conservative, stuck in his ways man. If he reads a book that suggests crazy things, he is going to shut down and never try again. Christian books tend to be more conservative in their suggestions, while being very heavy on healthy communication between the couple. I just think that the ones I listed are a good starting point for a sexually conservative person of any religious OR non-religious person.
Hmmm. Perhaps evaluate the way you approach him or the timing of when you do it. If it's in the middle of the act, maybe he doesn't appreciate that and that's when his ego gets hurt. Sometimes, my husband and I communicate the best about sex when we're not doing anything sexual. Such as, taking a drive together or just sitting and cuddling. One of us will bring up the topic and we'll start chatting. I've discovered a lot about him that way and have been able to share a lot as well.
Maybe gently explain to him that there is no cookie cutter format for sex. Every body is different, therefore, ever couple is different. That needs to be explored, experimented with, and it's a learning process. I don't care how many sex books someone has read, how many parters they've had before, or how many pornos the've watched: Whenever you have sex with a new person it is an entirely new experience and you have to do a lot of re-learning to learn how your body works with this body and what your partner likes or enjoys.
So, perhaps prefacing by telling him that you'd like to learn more about each other and explore what one person likes or doesn't like and that it's a healthy thing -- not saying, "You don't know what you're doing," but instead, it's an opportunity to learn more about each other the same way you'd learn about someone in a non-sexual way such as their movie preferences or what kind of clothing they like, etc.
And always be sure to compliment him on something. If there's anything, even the smallest thing, he does right or that you enjoy or appreciate -- TELL HIM. Maybe if he feels just always "criticized," then that decreases his motivation to try and be better.
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