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Ready to leave (Long Post)
Hello Nesties,
I've hung around these boards off and on since planning my wedding. I posted a few times a long time ago, but made an anonymous account for this. It's partly a message asking for support and also some advice on my situation.
We've only been married about 2 years. Things were good before getting married, although I have come to the realization that I was probably not as in love with him as I thought, and that we were better friends than lovers, and it seemed like a practical choice to marry him. I'm sure that raises red flags, but I think I had blinders on at the time, I was very focused on how happy we would be after our plans came to fruition.
After getting married, things gradually went downhill. He suffers from some mental health issues that didn't really effect his day to day life until after the wedding, and since then he has had several periods of extreme depression, sometimes becoming suicidal (he is medicated, has a psychiatrist, etc., but didn't suffer any depressions until after we got married). This has taken a big toll on me and my wellbeing, to the point that I had a breakdown this fall with some extreme physical problems caused by the stress. Since then, I have been in counseling, and I have been depressed myself, but am doing a lot better personally. (except for crazy itching on my arms which I'm thinking is also anxiety/stress related).
I am happy and cheerful and content during the day when I'm at work, but as soon as I have to go home, the depressed feelings and anxiety sink in again. He craves constant attention and affection and support, to the point of smothering me, following me around the house, not wanting to go anywhere without me, etc. He is very focused on himself and only notices things if they directly affect him, and wants all of my attention focused on him as well, hence the smothering. I care very much about him, and I'm very concerned about what will happen with me leaving. It is extremely difficult for me to admit that I made a mistake in marrying him, but I am not able to be the type of wife he needs. I need a partnership, not someone I have to mother. It's not the kind of marriage I want for my life, I'm too independent a person and this just makes me feel caged.
We don't have children, we never even combined any of our assets. So separating our "household" would not be very difficult. (This has always been a big problem for me in fact because I have felt the whole time that I was the only one taking care of myself, paying for my things, never working together to pay for "our" things, it's always felt more like roommates, and not husband and wife.)
I know leaving him is the right thing to do for me, and I'm not that worried about how well I will cope with it. I've been through hard things in life, and I still consider myself pretty normal and functional. But I'm very worried about his wellbeing. We have not been able to communicate well about any of the increasing issues because I fear his reactions. He gets very angry (never violent), but he literally forgets by the next day, forgets how depressed he gets, forgets that he was even suicidal, so he goes back to thinking things are fine, and I'm left suffering with everything that has happened.
(There are many other issues, me feeling pressured to have sex with him, him not taking responsibility for any problems, both of us drinking more to avoid dealing with the situation, him bullying me when I do try to open up and explain just telling me I'm wrong, etc.)
So I suppose the asking for advice part is that I'm not financially able to leave yet. I will be in a couple months, and things like the lease term expiring around that time can help make things a lot cleaner. We have been trying to find a counselor, him wanting to figure out why we're so miserable, and me needing help to communicate my feelings to him. But how do I deal with the day to day living in this situation until I'm able to leave? We have become fairly isolated, we both are far from our families, so I don't have much of a support base here.
Any thoughts, or words of wisdom would be much appreciated. If you went through similar things, what did you do to get through?
Re: Ready to leave (Long Post)
I feel as though I could've written this myself but my H didn't have the depression issues it was more substance abuse issues.
We did counseling for almost 2 years but nothing changed. He continued to drink, and I continued to be a b!tch because I never knew what type of sh!t storm I was walking into everyday. It was a miserable existance for the 2 years we were married.
I hated coming home everyday and when that started to happen, I knew it was time to go. I stuck it out for a few months to save up money and have a more amicable split. And I have an amazing friend that is trying to sell her house that sat vacant and she was able to give me a place to live (temporarily and very cheap) until it sells or I find another place to live.
I've been on my own since Dec. 15 and I honestly can say that I have been so happy. I continue to do counseling on a weekly basis, I've decreased my celexa, I joined a gym and I'm finding my life to be stress-free.
As for still dealing with H, we try to see each other once every 2 weeks to exchange money (we have our car ins. and cell phone bills together and I'm still getting a lot of mail at the house), we meet for coffee, we talk like adults are suppose to and all in all it has been quite nice. He's still holding out for a reconciliation but I keep telling him that it will not happen, EVER.
But to answer your question, for the few months that I was trying to save money to move out, I'd try to spend a lot of my free time with friends/family. Weekends were reserved for hanging out with my sister ( didn't spend much time at home unless it was a work night and even then, I would walk into the door, and head straight to the bedroom and just read while he drank). We hardly had much interaction with each other. It was difficult, I hated it, but it was what had to happen until I was financially able to be on my own again.
I guess my advice, if possible, do you have any friends/family around where you can stay temporarily?
Keep your head up, in my situation, I knew things were never going to change and getting out has been the only way to live a better life. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. This board has been so helpful - so hopefully you stick around.
I think you are on the right track and doing the right things. It is hard to make the decision and then put the plan into action. Just focus on remaining healthy and focused on the good. I have used my journal a lot and found it a "safe" place to express my thoughts and feelings.
Take this time to focus on your future and what you want to do. Fall back in love with yourself. Pick up a hobby or a sport. Take walks and time outdoors if that is something you like.
When I went through my divorce I wrote a lot and created my "plan" for my life. Now, six years late I have accomplished 54 out of the 60 things on my plan. It was a great way for me to stay focused while going through the separation.
Good Luck!