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Need to VENT
This is a continuation of this post:
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/61698114.aspx
We went to DH's brother's house for New Years and H and his brother left to go buy beer. I was sitting and talking with my SIL (she's been with H's brother for 10 years) and she was asking about our first holidays. I told her it was hard to be away from my family for Thanksgiving for the first time, etc and how H's mom was distraught on Christmas because he wasn't there. She informed me that since they were down for Christmas that they asked to bring back our gifts since we've had these New Years plans for awhile now. H's mom said no, that she wants to keep them as an excuse to get H to visit...
...I'm trying not to scream at the moment. 
Now with that being said, she has been calling H about how we need to exchange gifts. H thinks this is all reasonable because how else will we get our gifts and give them ours? So she calls the other day and wants to come down this weekend...my last weekend before I go back to school. He called earlier today because he hadn't heard anything more and she told him that they would come after she gets off work at 5:30pm, thus inviting herself to another hotel stay (it's a 3 hour drive). Unfortunately they have "points" and get free stays. [insert profuse cussing] We got married in March and there have been THREE hotel stays since we've been married and he was deployed for 6 months so that's in a 4 month period of him being stateside.
I don't know what to do. I always loved my MIL before we got married but now I feel like...I don't know...like she's all of the sudden competing with me? When she's here, her conversations never even include H because they have nothing in common. H just talks to his dad, whom I love. I'm really close with my family and I realize that this is a sensitive topic because of course he wants to see his family. I really have no idea how to have a full conversation about this without it sounding like I'm just bashing his mother. I have no idea how to set boundaries. Furthermore, H is a introverted person and he never wants to hurt his mom's feelings so I don't see him ever "putting his foot down".
Photo bomb, yeah!
Re: Need to VENT
1. Talk with your H. He can't fix a problem he does not know exists, so discuss the visits with him and why you feel they're excessive. Once you two are on the same page, decide what boundary to place and then he can talk about it with his parents. If you tell him that you want this last weekend for just the two of you to spend time together, tell him. Otherwise your silence is interpreted as acceptance. Does that make sense?
2. Be grateful that they're staying in a hotel. Since PCS'ing here from OCONUS we've had family staying with us quite a bit. I am grateful when they say that they would love to see us, but will stay in a hotel so that we can have our house to ourselves.
3. Holding your gifts hostage just so you'll visit is an interesting approach, but I bet she just wants to see you guys. It doesn't sound like she intends any malice by it and, though she and your H may "not have anything in common," he is still her son! Of course she wants to see him. I don't mean to "take sides," but consider what it might be like to see your son deploy. To know that you might not see him again. I, for one, would take any opportunity I could to spend time with him.
Good luck!
How often was YHs parents visiting him before you got married? Is there more back story about not getting along or is it just the visiting/holiday stuff you've mentioned?
Wanting to visit you guys to exchange Christmas gifts doesnt sound all that unreasonable to me, maybe short notice, but I could be missing something. You mentioned before she was talking about meeting to exchange gifts, what did you guys tell her then?
I think I see both sides here. Yes, you want to spend less time with them, but ILs figure they have the means to come see you and they're staying in a hotel! Idk
I changed my name
I would definitely talk to your H. He may not truly know how you feel. I find it best to use phrases such as "I feel" instead of starting them off as what could be construed as attacks on your MIL ("She does this/that"). Tell him that you feel as if you haven't had enough "couple" time and would like to have a date weekend alone. Explain that you understand MIL wants to see both of you, but you feel as a couple that you "okay" her making plans to drive down in advance.
My brain is tired so I hope I am making sense.
I do find it odd she would just invite herself but like EOD said, maybe she considers silence consent. I sort of wonder if that is how their (your H and his mother) relationship works.
While I don't particularly think three visits in four months is particularly excessive when there was a recent deployment involved, inviting herself is weird. Keep in mind that just because they show up and make their own plans doesn't mean you need to entertain them or change your plans. That's on your husband.
My best suggestion is that in order to avoid future short-notice visits, plan these things well in advance. Stop playing it by ear and giving her the chance to act before you do. It sounds like she's interpreting your lack of planning as you being a spontaneous person who doesn't mind last minute activities. Maybe I missed it, but I don't see anything in your posts that indicates either of you said, "That's not a good weekend for us. We have plans and won't be able to make time to see you." Not that my relationship with my ILs is perfect, but they're only a day's drive away and we've been planning a February visit since December.
Sometime today, start digging around the internet or your local community and find something that will be happening, say 8 weeks from now, or whenever you want to see her next. Then follow through. "Hey MIL, there's an awesome St. Patrick's Day parade that I think would be a ton of fun. Do you want to come down the weekend of March 17th?" That gives her a set date that you're comfortable seeing her, it puts the worry out of her mind that you're an evil DIL trying to steal her son from her, and if she mentions visiting sooner, you can firmly say that the date you previously discussed will really work better. It may start to register that you like seeing her, you just need a bit more time between visits, and she'll learn to live with it. Something else that's really helped me with MIL is random emails. I hate forwarded emails, so I don't do that, but I occassionally send her a picture of the dogs, or a picture of Joe, or mention something funny we talked about. She's his mom. She just wants to know that he's happy and that she did a good job.
I completely agree with Ojo.
I have to do this with my MIL a lot. And I have the opposite problem, they always want us to come home and see them. Its a 2 hour drive and there is nothing to do at home. There is a lot more to do here and so I try and plan things for them to come here.
And honestly don't be afraid to tell her, " Sorry MIL we have plans and we won't be able to spend this with you this weekend, Had you given me a little more notice I'm sure we could have arranged our plans so we would have time to spend with you and FIL."
Your in-laws stay in a hotel? Count your blessings right there!!
Agree with PPs. You sound like you are sitting and stewing on a problem and expecting things to change. It doesn't appear like MIL is going to change her behavior anytime soon so take action into your own hands.
It does sounds like she respects a boundary once you place it (not meeting up for Christmas). The first year we didn't meet up with our in-laws for Christmas (we did spend Christmas Eve with them) they came over to our house anyway because MIL had to give DH a hug because (and I quote) "I have never gone a Christmas without physically touching Dan."
Thanks everyone. I need to add more detail. I actually live 2 hours away from DH until May when I'm done with nursing school. I've had a month off to be with him which has been AWESOME. I have to actually leave next week but we are always together on weekends. They've come up 3 times to stay in hotels because the second bed is at my apartment in the other city. They're nowhere for them to stay. At BIL's house, they DO stay with them. Come May when I fully move in, there will be no more hotel stays. Furthermore, they have come to us 3 times, we have gone to visit twice, and we've also visited BIL 2 other separate times. In 4 months that's a total of 7 IL visits. Having ILs is new to me and I feel like I need some space. DH only visited his parents for holidays the past 3 years: Thanksgiving and Christmas. There was only one time he went home for Easter.
What pisses me off is they come up for a day visit and when they're in town, H gets a text message that says "we're checking into our hotel and will be over in 30!". Um, what? Why the f@$! wouldn't you tell us you're staying overnight? It's like she doesn't want to give us the option to say no. H is always the one of the phone with her and I don't really get input. But I feel like if he says he needs to discuss it with me then if we say no, I'll look like the bad guy.
Anyways, H knows exactly how I feel about all of these visits. I even told him I was annoyed that the last weekend of my break was going to be spent entertaining in-laws. I've told him that I need a break from the ILs. He understands but MIL keeps pulling him in with sh!t like Christmas presents. Other than this month, I only get to see him on weekends so all of these visits have directly interfered with the amount of time that I got to spend with my husband before and after his deployment. I know she wanted to see her son and that's why I've been (I feel) very considerate in spending time with her. I just need a break from her!!!
Photo bomb, yeah!
I forgot you and your H are living apart right now.
I don't want to trash your husband, but you realize you're painting him to sound like he lacks a backbone, right? It's a husband problem. He's not being respectful of your (limited) time together. It may take you leaving to go back to school a few days early so you can spend your time the way you choose, since he isn't respecting that.