Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
FIL is driving me INSANE
Normally I get along ok with my FIL, but he has been staying with us for the past week & is staying for 3-4 days -_- I didn't mind the first couple days, but my husband & I got in our first fight in over 3 months the 3rd night he was here because his being here is putting a huge strain on us. Now DH is giving me the cold shoulder. Also FIL calls me EVERY HOUR if he's not at home with us. He called this morning while I was in the bathroom & left a voicemail saying "You really need to answer your phone". I called him back less than 5 minutes later and he told me again that I need to answer my phone. He called again half an hour later like there was some big emergency (he just needed the password for our computer). I was in the other room with my 14 month old baby changing her diaper and didn't hear the phone (Oh im also 6 months pregnant). I literally called him back 1 minute later only to be told again that I need to turn the volume up on my phone/answer when he calls. I also got a lovely talk last night about how we need to change the way we run our business and that I don't motivate my husband enough. I'm getting SO sick of all his freaking out over nothing and just telling me how I should act and do everything. I'd really like to tell him where to stick it, but I can't exactly do that since DH secretly looks up to his dad. Ugh I can't wait until he leaves!
Re: FIL is driving me INSANE
Stop answering the phone. Seriously - - just because he calls doesn't mean you have to answer. I would set the phone on direct to voicemail and not get back to him. If he tells you "you really need to answer the phone," you can say "no, I really don't. The phone is there for MY convenience. If there is an emergency, you need to call H."
If my FIL told me I needed to motivate my H, I would laugh in his face "well, you raised him. I married him as is. Just b/c you didn't raise him to be motivated doesn't mean it's my job to fix him."
Ditto everything else! When FIL says "you really need to...." just reply "no, I really don't." If you think it would be awkward / sassy, then tell your FIL "you really need to give your recommendations to H. I have my own way of doing things."
Thankyou ladies for all the advice and sympathy. I apologize in advance bc I have a feeling this will be a long rambly angry post, but you are the only ones I can talk to.
I would love nothing more that to tell him off to his face...but DH and I are still recovering from our fight (that was caused by the strain of an imposing FIL) and I don't want him to get upset with me all over again. DH is unaware of all the annoyance because for the past 3 days he's been at a work conference in town that lasts from 8am-11pm...so he leaves before we get up and comes home after we are asleep. He hasn't said a word to me since our fight on Thursday, so I'm not able to communicate to him the stress that FIL is causing.
FIL doesn't hesitate to share his judgmental/racist opinions with me on basically any subject ("The large Hispanic population in this neighborhood brings down the value of your home"). He also decided to voice his opinion on the possible baby names we are thinking about for the new baby ("In my opinion you shouldn't use than name or any like it unless you want your kid to be teased. It's just not a socially acceptable name in this country"). He even had an issue with the name of A TEA at the store because he couldn't pronounce it ("That's a stupid name, I hate when they give things weird names like that" He then proceeded to make up his own incorrect pronunciation based on nothing).
Oh the things I would say to him if I were fearless.....Here are a few of MY opinions that I would share with him If I ever had the courage or If i knew there were no repercussions:
1. Just because you're ignorant/don't understand other cultures and ethnicity's doesn't make it ok for you to call them stupid or condemn them.
2. Newsflash: This is OUR baby, not yours. I personally don't give a crap what you think of the name we pick out because it's OUR decision.
3. I have my own way of doing things, and DH is nothing like you, so I don't need your unsolicited advice on how to talk to him and treat him.
4. Apparently every time you call me you expect me to drop everything I'm doing and answer immediately, but half the time I try to call you, you don't answer either. The password on our computer is not a life or death situation to freak out on me about.
5. Why the hell are you always calling me for directions? You're the one who has an I-phone, so why not just use Google maps? I'm not your personal GPS.
Anyway those are just a few things I would say to him. Oh, and I was out of the house for a while and forgot that I was expecting an important fax. I Texted FIL politely and asked him to recieve the fax when it rings (it only goes through if you press 'accept'). He waited less than 10 minutes and texted me "It hasn't come through. I can't wait around all day". He also had to ask me how to use our fax machine (um, just press the button that says "accept" when you hear it ring. DUH). I can't believe he has been with us for 8 days and is staying for another 3-4, possibly longer. I just can't wait until this old rude judgmental racist arrogant "think's he knows everything about everything" man gets OUT OF OUR HOUSE.
*Deep breaths* Ok, sorry I'm done
And if you don't want to answer his phone calls, don't. And if he asks about it, just say you couldn't answer right then. Which isn't a lie - you couldn't. It doesn't matter why.
If you can't say this when you are 6 months pregnant and caring for a LO after a week with an imposing FIL and days with a cold husband - I don't know when you would.
I agree with with SueBear. You have to get sassy. Especially number 4 - you ca absolutely say what you wrote.
You are justified in your frustrations with your FIL, but you really need to tell your DH that this has got to stop. Too bad if he looks up to his dad, you are his wife and if this man is not treating you right then he needs to tell him!
ok, your list is overboard because you let things build up. Start smaller.
1. FIL, I wish you would not speak that way about other people, it makes me uncomfortable and I don't want that kind of talk around my children.
2. We like his name, sorry you can't seem to accept it.
3. IGNORE him entirely. If you have to respond you can say I think it is best if I handle my husband how I see fit and not involve you in our marriage, thanks for the advice, but you understand if I think it is a personal matter.
4. You have to understand that I am not available for your calls, you have to you quit expecting me to answer or respond immediately or else I will let ever call go to voice mail. I have a busy schedule and am pregnant, you cannot make demands on my time.
5. I don't know where you want to go, but if you want me to tell you to go where I wanted you to go I don't think you would like it. There are gps services who would give you better directions.
He sounds like the more you do for him or the more you jump the more he thinks he has the right to pester you. You do not need this aggravation, and it is okay to stand up for yourself, even if it is to give him a WTF look.
Do you see something strange here? Your FIL is visiting - - and your H isn't around? I'm betting that he KNOWS what a PITA his dad is, and elected to "disappear" (or host his dad when he knew he would be occupied) and allow you to deal with the nonsense. Why couldn't FIL visit on a weekend?
You need to tell your H that obviously you can't entertain your FIL in the future (tell him "I don't want us to fight about your dad anymore, so in the future it would be best if you were here and took off work when your dad comes'). He needs to be HOME and AVAILABLE for his dad's visits.
As for now, I would also direct your FIL to his son for any comments he has "why don't you discuss (our neighbors, your lost papers) with DH? I'm tired, I'm going to lie down." And no, you DO NOT have to answer the phone just b/c he calls.
I also think suebear had some good suggestions. I think you need to be firm. Maybe one of his "outdated opinions" is that men don't need to be corrected (which is why he doesn't bother his son), but that women are around to cater to men and to listen to their opinions - - do you really want a pattern of your FIL acting like this? Maybe your LO will pick up that this is the way to treat women - oh joy!!!
If you don't put your foot down now, your FIL will learn that your job is to be at his beck and call. Let me guess - there is no MIL b/c his wife left him.
I completely feel for you. I have a FIL that used to be okay but right before we got married things went downhill. I have to be careful because my H obviously is semi-close to his dad and I can respect that and I don't want to cause problems with the in-laws. BUT...I'm at the point where I despise having to be in the same house as him. My MIL is...a special case, but my FIL is literally immature and stupid.
The entire time we were planning the wedding he kept making cracks that his son was paying for it but it was a -insert my maiden name- affair. Um...I'm sorry my parents couldn't afford to throw the whole wedding, but your son wanted to do what he could for his future wife...But then he constantly suggested we just do a picnic, go to this place or that because it was cheaper ---AFTER we already booked a place. Not to mention during the wedding he and his wife took off right after the ceremony--we had to run after them to get them wait for pictures.
When we bought our house a few months later? Never told us--especially is son--that he was happy for us. Basically said it was too soon, we shouldn't spend that much money (and we got a really good deal becuase of the market around here). But once we were starting some renovations...he was constantly over, doing things half-*** and taking over our projects. I was working on removing tile and he literally took the putty knife from my hand and showed me how to do it faster. Not to mention when we kept telling him our plans, he said we're crazy...then had to shamefully admit it looked good in the end.
The point of sharing my (few) stories are in hopes to make you feel better. I completely understand. My H is aware that his father is a pain and I'm sure yours does too...but you should talk to him. Be careful though...you don't want to keep harping on your H and end up making him resent the fact that you resent his father. But I would eventually tell your FIL to lay off and get out of your way. I made a few snaps at mine and he calmed down a bit...
Good luck!!