Trouble in Paradise
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
S/O: What is your definition/line/contrast (whatev) between harmless crush and emotional affair?
Secondary question: When you hear about an affair, do you automatically assume the marriage is unhappy?
Warning
No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
Re: S/O: What is your definition/line/contrast (whatev) between harmless crush and emotional affair?
To me, harmless crush is more like watching a White Collar marathon and having to fan yourself a bit. As far as people you know in real life, I think there's a whole continuum from "this guy is cool and attractive" to "okay, I'll whisper sweet nothings in his ear, but never actually even kiss him" and the line of emotional affair is kind of hard to define.
I don't assume much about the marriage just based on the fact that there has been an affair, but I do assume something about the person cheating. When it comes to crushes and the gray area of "I like him but no one has done anything inappropriate in any way", I think that it's less likely that the marriage is unhappy, and more likely that the person with the crush misses that ninth grade new boy in school zing that you just don't get from a stable, long-term relationship.
I can't really define it, I think it's one of those things that if it feels wrong, then it probably is. Every couple is different and has different expectations and boundaries.
No, I don't automatically assume the marriage is unhappy when I hear about an affair.
I define a crush as something that is generally out of the realm of possibility, like a celebrity. Or even just finding someone attractive, but in an uninvolved, distant way... perhaps more admiration than actual attraction?
I don't know that I necessarily jump to the conclusion of "unhappy marriage", but I do assume that something is wrong. Two of our friends just announced that they were getting a divorce (the husband had an affair), but I always sensed communication problems between them. I think it's probably different for everyone.
Sexual attraction to someone = okay
emotional connection = okay
sexual attraction + emotional connection = no bueno
If you have started to feel guilty about an action, because you realize that it in some way is impacting or has the possibility to impact your marriage in a negative way, but you keep doing it; that is a problem. And if that action is carrying on a relationship with someone other than your SO, that you have an emotional connection with and feel the sexual tension with them, that to me is an emotional affair.
Also I do assume that marriages where there was an affair were unhappy. It might have only been unhappy in that moment that they were making a bad decision, but I've never heard of someone who felt completely fulfilled in their relationship, having an affair of any type.
Harmless crush is when you are attracted to someone, be it due to their looks, personality, etc. Emotional affair is when you get too close to that person and start confiding in that person instead of your SO. If you would not feel comfortable in a room with your SO and the other person, then you have a problem.
I think something is missing from the marriage if someone is having an affair (either emotional or physical). But instead of turning outward, the person really should be looking into what is missing from the marriage and work to resolve those issues.
Believe me, I know!