How to proceed?

RichardRahl · January 2012

So, my situation is an interesting one. I'm male, and not very experienced with sex. My girlfriend and I have been living together for some time now. I've noticed that she doesn't climax very often, maybe 10% of the time, if even. I've asked her to tell me what she likes, and what she doesn't so I can know what to work on it but all she answers with is "I don't know". I just really want it to be an enjoyable and pleasurable experience for her, and feel that I'm falling short of that if she never gets to climax. She has been with several partners before me, but she's my first. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, and she's not telling me anything. Any advice?

TarponMonoxide · January 2012

How are you so certain she isn't having orgasms as often as she should?

She's been with several guys and she doesn't know how to get off or what makes her come or even what makes her feel sensual and feel good? Oye...hard to believe that this is 2012.

I suggest that you suggest to her to start masturbating asap -- get her the book "Sex For One" by Betty Dobson -- she's known as the mother of masturbation.

She needs to go it alone on a good number of solo flights; that is the only way she will be able to figure out what turns her on.

Do you go down on her? If not, I suggest you start and start now.

I also suggest that you and she go to a mainstream bookstore and check out the sex manuals for couples.

In the meanwhile, why not make this nice for her? Get a nice warm bubble bath for the 2 of you, bring in some candles and some music and some wine and appetizers for 2. Invite her to join you.:) Then let nature take its course -- I can't name one woman who wouldn't love a nice warm bath complete with a caring partner.:)

iteachkids81 · January 2012

I know for me, I didn't orgasm at all until I was 23, even with masturbating from the time I was 14. (and using toys).

I finally figured it out and it was good. Still I rarely orgasm during sex. it isn't for lack of trying on my part or my husband's. In our busy lives, a lot of the time we have sex it is done in a rush, I don't usually orgasm, but I still enjoy myself. (usually in the morning before getting ready for work) When we do have the time for a longer lovemaking session, is definitely when I am more apt to orgasm, and usually then, it is before actual intercourse. I need a LOT of kissing and touching. Usually in these cases, my husband will use his hands (sometimes mouth) to make sure I orgasm before he actually enters me.

I like the idea of what someone else said about a bath together, in my case, my husband and I are both tall and it would just be awkward to fit in our tiny tub together, but a shower together is nice and serves as great foreplay as well!

good luck!

rhythmicgoldfish · January 2012

start listening to violet blues podcast open source sex

Jellybean902 · January 2012

It could be what the two of you are doing, or it could just be her body. Some women genuinely have a hard time reaching orgasm and it's a body issue, not a performance issue. But, just in case.... I would say to ask as you're doing. Try something new with her and as you're doing it, ask "Do you like this?" or "How does this feel?" Maybe in the act, ask her to guide your hands or body to where she'd like to be pleasured. Also, are you doing anything to stimulate her beyond just intercourse? Not that many women can orgasm through intercourse alone. Sometimes it requires clitoral stimulation with your hands, mouth, or both. And that's ok. Take your time, go slow. For some women, it just takes a while to get to that point of climax and if you're impatient or get tired of doing something too quickly, you could prematurely end what could result in a climax. I could try communictating while you're having sex in short questions and start paying attention to her body language. Does she seem to shift her body when she's doing something? Chances are she either is moving towards your action because she likes it or she's trying to shift away a bit to move you to a new place because you're not positioned quite right. What are her facial expressions? You can tell a lot about a woman by how she responds while in the act of sex. Good luck.

UDscoobychick · January 2012

First off, love your screen name. Great books!

I know for me personally, I have a hard time directing my BF "a little to the left" or "up a bit" when he's pleasuring me...it's just hard to figure out exactly what will do it and how to articulate that. So, I understand where your gf is coming from. For BF and I, the way we handle it is that, partway through sex, we usually get into a position where I can rub my clit, and we stay there until I climax, then we'll switch into a position that's better for him until he climaxes. I've never climaxed from vaginal stimulation alone, but that's really, really, really common. Perhaps trying something along those lines would work for you guys?

RichardRahl · January 2012

Thanks for the suggestions, I'll give it a try. And yes, that is my favorite book series! Wasn't sure if anyone would catch that or not.

ReturnOfKuus · January 2012

Get a bullet-shaped vibrator, and put it on or near her clitoris during sex (experiment on what feels best to her).

catapult32 · January 2012

In my experience there is nothing "normal" about sex or the human sexual response. Just because you decide she isn't orgasming enough doesn't mean she thinks she isn't orgasming enough. I take it she still enjoys sex with you and for reasons that are beyond orgasm. There are a number of women who can't orgasm from intercourse alone, there are women who can't orgasm without masterbation, etc; they still have intercourse with their DH/SO/Whatevers because (most would say) of the intimacy, and closeness they feel with intercourse that they can't get any other way. In my opinion, if she isn't telling you there is a problem ther isn't one.

There is a growing phenomenon in our society that men can "give" women orgasms and that isn't a healthy mindset to go into the bedroom with. I would recommend reading 'The Guide To Getting It On!' best book about sex ever written.

How to proceed?

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