Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
you're so vain
I've been trying to help a girlfriend find love. She is a gorgeous woman, creative, sweet, caring, who has so much to offer both inside and out. But....she is 100% superficial when it comes to men!! She has dated jerk after jerk (albeit, HANDSOME jerks), who all end up breaking her heart.
So, a friend and I convinced her to give online dating a try. She's getting butt-loads of winks, pokes, whatever. But when I ask if she's going to give this one or that one a chance, she replies "Meh, he's not tall enough", or "Meh, he's an Aries", or "Meh, he has green eyes and I am looking only for brown".
She's very inflexible to trying different things (a green eyed man? a Taurus maybe??...oooooh heavens no!!!). It's frustrating for me, because she's constantly wants my advice/input but then ignores it. I tell her to stop focusing on looks and consider the man's inner qualities.
Am I wrong? Is there some brown-eyed, Scorpio, hunk out there that will match the infamous "LIST", that she should wait for? She won't "settle" for anything that doesn't match her list. What differentiates between "settling" and being "open" to giving someone a try who might be different than your ideal?
Re: you're so vain
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Is her name Mindy? Because she sounds EXACTLY like my old roommate. Exactly.
And that was 10 years ago. And she's still not married. There's no helping her, so stop trying.
The poster formerly known as PDXPhotoGrl
HA!! No, it's not Mindy. That would be funny though!
I'd love to butt out of her dating life, since we have very different criteria anyway. But we're close friends, and let's face it...friends talk about relationships. I'm gonna hear about it regardless. So I give her my honest opinion, and hope it sinks in. Also, I hear about each heartbreak for months after she gets dumped by one of these douches. I just don't get how she doesn't learn from her mistakes. If tall scorpio brown eyed man #1-15 turned out to be jerks, how about trying something different?? UGH!
Is there a tactful way to back out of giving advice without making her feel like I think she's completely hopeless? (cause I don't. I think if she can widen her horizons, or lower her standards a bit, she'd be scooped up rather quickly).
I'm 6' tall. My husband is 5'10". If I had been hell bent on only dating tall men, I'd have missed out on someone incredibly intelligent, caring, compassionate, and all around awesome. His biggest flaw is that he leaves the sock drawer open all the time and I keep walking into it and bruising my shins. If I had a weird list of height requirements or eye color requirements or whatever, I'd be SOL.
What does she tell you when you tell her that she's missing out on some potentially awesome dudes by being too restrictive?
Also, I hate "snatched up."
Mine, too. What is with the inability to close drawers (or kitchen cabinets) completely???
Also, OP, I think you're deluding yourself that she's such a great girl if she's so focused on looks. Vanity is not a good quality.
It doesn't seem like there is anything you can tell her that will keep her from making shallow assumptions about these men. I wouldn't waste too much of your energy trying to help.
I liked the statement one of the PPs recommended. You have given her your opinion, she has basically rejected it. She will either find out for herself that her incredibly specific, restricting rules are keeping her from finding someone she is compatible with, or she'll be alone chasing an arbitrary "ideal". That is on her.
For what it's worth, I know how frustrating it is to see a friend act like this, but in the end, it is their choice.
I completely agree with you. For a long time I pictured myself marrying another artist. Each artist that I dated turned out to be a jerk. My husband's not an artist, but he IS amazing, and inspiring to me, and we support each other in our different goals. Once I let go of the superficial stuff, I found the real deal.
When I tell my friend this story as an example of what happens why you try something different, she responds "well I know exactly what I want and I'm not gonna settle". Okey Dokey! Hence why I wonder where that fine line is between settling and expanding her list of expectations. lol.
You all are right...I'm gonna let it go. I'm going to let her figure it out on her own. I'll be ready for a double date if she finds him! haha
The vaginas got them all!
Erm, sorry.
Um, OP, don't you come around every few months with some friend dilemma that really isn't your problem? I feel like you focus on your friends' lives a little too much.
"The meek shall inherit the earth" isn't about children. It's about deer. We're all going to get messed the fuckup by a bunch of cloned super-deer.- samfish2bcrab
Sometimes I wonder if scientists have never seen a sci-fi movie before. "Oh yes, let's create a super species of deer. NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG." I wonder if State Farm offers a Zombie Deer Attack policy. -CaliopeSpidrman
LOL! You got me! Yes. I take long hiatuses from the nest, because my job gets crazy for months at a time. Then I have downtime for a while and get bored, so I come back around. You guys are always very interesting and wise, and I love reading the boards.
As far as the friend dilemmas go, I can proudly say I've gotten rid of a couple of the toxic/drama queens in the past year. My life is much less stressful since then. Even the girl I'm discussing on this thread - though her taste in men sucks, she's actually a sweetie and a great friend. I care about my girlfriends, and do try to fix any issues. Maybe I worry too much.... (maybe it's my astrological sign, since we are kinda on the topic. I'm a cancer and we over think things, are slightly neurotic, and are over sensitive.) I have no clue! Anyway, your advice on here is always helpful, so that's why I come around if I'm stuck.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Book Review Blog
If I were a man (or fitty) I'd totally call my penis THE WIZARD - HappyTummy
She's being f*ing ridiculous. I would stop helping her and not listen to her relationship woes any longer.
For me, the worst thing my friends have done since my divorce 3 years ago is obsess about me meeting someone. Believe me, I already thought of/think of it enough, I don't need someone helping me/setting me up/telling me what to do unless I ask for it.There's nothing worse than the ONLY Thing people want to talk to a single person is: Are you dating? Have you met anyone? Get yourself out there! Stop looking, then you'll find him. Have you tried online dating? I have a friend to set you up with! (usually set ups are just like "Hey, he's single, you're single.....you're PERFECT for each other!!!)
You have to be careful, there's a fine line between being a supportive friend and patronizing her because she's single. She'll meet someone when it's meant to happen--just let it be and be there for her no matter who she chooses to date.