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Need relationship advice from fellow nesties
Last night my husband and I got in a big fight and Im still not quite sure where I stand. I was doing work on our computer and under the downloads file there was a resume of a random girls name. Obviously, I clicked on it to see who it was and noticed that the girl was friends with my husband's brother. The back story to this is that my husband is a resume guru of sorts and always helps friends and family members fine tune their resumes. He is sort of known for it. Despite this, I still felt curiosity and asked him who she was, how he knows her, etc. He told me that he is just helping her with the resume as a favor to his brother, etc. This particular conversation led us into another where he told me that he oftentimes talks to other women that I don't know, one in particular about relationship problems she is having with her husband. My husband is naturally very social and outgoing, but something about this just didn't sit right with me. I have met many of his girl/friends, some of which he has been friends with for years and I've always felt comfortable with him having conversations with them, but random attractive women ive never met are seeking out my husband for relationship advice? It just seems odd to me. I told him we had a disconnect on what certain boundaries were and he just fought me tooth and nail about it. I wanted to call out to some of you to know what your thoughts are or if I'm being too sensitive or insecure.
HELP!
Re: Need relationship advice from fellow nesties
It seems a little odd, and while I agree that he shouldn't have to clear everyone he speaks to with you, if she is a "new" friend, she really shouldn't be using your husband as a sounding board about her marriage. While he may think it's harmless now, that certainly has been the way affairs begin. With his "great advice", she's most likely going to see him as such an awesome guy and she's going to have a crush on him. They will have a closeness from talking about personal things. And if he hasn't already, he'll most likely start talking to her about your relationship.
This is what happened to me with my ex. Granted we were young, met when I was 20 and broke up when we were 25, and truthfully were never really suited for each other. But, he met this girl at work, talked about their relationships, they got close, he left me for her and he's married to her to this day 11 years later.
I wouldn't say it happens to everyone and certainly your husband's motives may be genuine. But, it IS a slippery slope, I don't think married women and men just become new friends without some kind of attraction, and it's definitely opening the door for something to happen. When you're married, and you want to stay married, you have to be able to put your spouse's feelings ahead of your "new friend". I would tell him that it makes you uncomfortable. Not because you don't trust him but because it's just opening a can of worms that make it dangerous for your marriage. Ask him if HE would be ok if you made a new guy friend that was discussing his difficulties and unhappiness in his marriage. Tell YH to put himself in your shoes and if he would mind.
If he doesn't respect your feelings on boundaries, you have bigger problems than just this one woman.
Soap Operas were built on blurring and erasing the lines in these kinds of boundaries. There would be no triangle without. Hello, Robin/Patrick/Crazy Lisa Niles on GH??!
I don't often disagree with TSD's relationship advice, but I do here, at least to an extent.
You know your H helps people with resumes and yet you felt you needed to have a conversation with him because you found women's resumes(!) on his computer. That seems a little jealous on your part. He's then open with you about being friends with other women. And you're concerned because of "attractive" women he might be friendly with. That sounds like your own insecurities. Unless there's stuff your're leaving out--like he's cheated before or he's a liar, I don't see a problem here. I completely disagree that men and women cannot be friends and that married people should never again in their lives make friends with members of the opposite sex. That's just sad.
I do think that if you are concerned, it would be reasonable to want to meet and get to know his women friends. If he's unwilling to introduce you, I'd find that shady. He should respect your boundaries and feelings, but those boundaries and feelings have to be reasonable, too.
Your life is NOT a soap opera. Don't make it into one without real cause.
Fallin, I think helping with resumes and opening up about marital woes are two totally different things, no?
I wouldn't have a problem with my husband doing someone's resume, but I would have a problem with a new woman discussing all her personal issues in her marriage with him. What's the motivation there? She doesn't have any current friends she can speak to about such things? I think that's a weird thing to discuss with someone new, and you know I'm an open book. Usually there become ulterior motives in that kind of exchange, even if they weren't there at the start. I know I wouldn't meet some guy and start talking to him about intimate things in my marriage. And if I did, B would be upset, and I feel rightfully so.
Of course, there's a difference. But, I'm not sure I'm willing to believe that everyone sharing relationship woes is aiming for an affair. Maybe because I've shared and had shared relationship woes with male friends with no ulterior motives and no resulting affair. I do agree that it's weird if it's a new friendship but maybe she wants a male perspective, maybe she doesn't want to share with friends if she fears it will get back to him, maybe the OP's H has one of those personalities where people share (my mom does--her PT told her his girl woes at their second therapy session), maybe she's after him. I don't know. All I know is that the OP got concerned about something completely innocuous and then her H openly volunteered information. I can't identify him being shady here at all.
Mostly, I take issue with the presupposition that married people should not make friends with people of the opposite sex or that there's something inherently improper there.
Ok. I'll give you that. I've made new man friends here and there. I've also not had marital woes so I don't know what it's like to need to share that kind of information with new man friends. I can only go on the past, and anytime I was sharing that type of info with a new-er male while in a relationship, I was unsatisfied with my relationship and consciously or unconsciously looking for someone to give me an out. Had the new male been all sweet with good advice, I'd have taken that as an interest in me depending on where the convo went, especially if it was more than once. At the very least, on my end, I know it would've led to me having a crush.
Even if your DH really does keep HIS line clear, I really have a hard time believing that over time, not one of these women will develop feelings for him. Even if he doesn't act on it - do you all really want to invite this kind of drama into your lives?
Your DH needs to understand that people in marriages where problems exist can and are often vulnerable.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
That's exactly what I meant. Not that men and women can't have friendships, but knowing and sharing all that makes drama.