Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Is it over?
Hi, newbie here. This is my first post. I continually read alot of posts on here and I have heards tons of advice I've tried on my own, but now it's time I posted one for myself and see what you guys think.
My H and I have been married for over two years now, and I've been seeing a lot of red flags all along in our relationship. My naievity could have been the reason I went along with marriage in the first place, but I'm really struggling right now. I have never liked the idea of divorce, and I swore to myself I would never let that be me... however, technically we're supposed to just be coming out of the "newlywed phase", and I feel like we never even had one because of all the problems right from the start. If needed I can add the beginning details later, but currently both of us seem to be just two people living in the same house. Sex is rare. We have countless external stress with finances, etc. but I seem to be the only one who makes an effort to resolve things, including with our relationship. I do love him, but I don't know if I'm in love with him anymore - he hasn't made much of an effort to keep the romance since we got married. We have gone to a married couple's seminar, as well as to a few counseling sessions, but now that he's 'been there, done that' he refuses to do anything further to restore our relationship. Most days he seems apathetic, but every now and again he does something that sparks hope that we may still have something... and then later it fades.
I really hate thinking that we keep heading for divorce, but things are so hectic right now that it feels like it would be a relief for me. Am I just overreacting, or is that really the road I'm heading down?
Re: Is it over?
I read this twice trying to come up with the right response, but honestly, we aren't going to know if it's over based on this information. I'm not really sure that stress over finances and rare sex is, in my opinion, red flag worthy. Honestly, what stuck out to me in your post is this "he hasn't made much of an effort to keep the romance since we got married". While I get that this is problematic, what have YOU done to keep it alive?
Not trying to sound harsh, just needing more info
Part of me wonders how much of this is your expectations for marriage. I think a lot of people build up this so-called honeymoon phase as a given and disappoint themselves when it doesn't magically appear. You are the same couple you were prior to the wedding. If you were lovey-dovey, then that will continue. If you weren't, then that will continue.
The other part of me recognizes that sometimes we marry the wrong people, mostly because of our own immaturity. Life is hard and you should be able to turn to your partner as a source of strength and support for when external stressors muscle their way in. If you can't do that, then what's the point? That doesn't mean that external stressors don't take a toll on solid marriages...they do. But, because they have a good foundation, these couples are better able to recognize that these down periods are temporary.
Based on what you wrote, I don't know where you fall. Maybe you married the wrong guy. Maybe your expectations are off. Only you really know.
I agree with pp's. Its hard, with limited information, to try to help you. Perhaps you can consider some counseling solo. Be honest with yourself and your place in the relationship. As pp said, are you doing anything to try and spark romance?
(*deep breath*) Okay, here are some of the actual red flags I'm getting:
- Our marriage was rushed because I was a virgin and wanted to remain so til my wedding night. According to him, he only went through with it because he was a horny adolescent and he knew I wouldn't give in easily. It wasn't approved of with my parents, so to *not* frustrate them, we were married in a courthouse and I didn't tell my family for two months. The stress got so bad that I finally told my family, which caused a lot of heartbreak that I'm still trying to mend. And I constantly regret not actually having a wedding, or going through any form of marriage counseling to help us prepare for what to expect.
- H inadvertently caused the death of our puppy by kicking it down the stairs so her legs were broken and unable to fix without expensive surgery, so as a result we put her down. Then he "felt bad" and brought home another puppy when he knew I wasn't ready for another one. This one is also afraid of him, but at least H ignores her more than he does abuse her (unless of course she does something he doesn't like...)
- Shortly after our wedding, H began treating me like trash because I "am a woman and are therefore subject to man," and any argument that he has no logical reasoning to back it up is ended with "because I'm a man and you're a woman."
- H has suffered from depression in the past. I knew this, but according to him everything was under control before we married... the past year H has shown signs of borderline personality, or bi-polar. He works as a CNA at the state mental institution, and I honestly think it has an adverse effect on him. And since I'm working on my Master's in Psychology, all of the things he displays seems like it could be from a chemical imbalance, yet he refuses to seek help because in his mind, nothing is wrong.
- Continuing with the depression thing, he has purchased several guns (some of which I didn't know about until I discover them in a hiding place - between the matresses, his dresser drawers, etc.) And there have been a couple instances where I was ready to call the police because for some reason he was ticked and had a pistol to his head. When I calmly reasoned with him, he threatened to shoot either me, the dog, or himself. I think some of this is manipulation, because I don't believe he has the guts to do it. Once I've walked away and left him for a couple hours, he has calmed down and acts like nothing ever happened.
- I had gone to live with my parents, and told him we needed counseling, so he was willing to do a few sessions, mainly because he just wanted me back home... and he did do what he was supposed to for the 4 months I was gone... When I came back, things seemed to be okay for maybe a month, and then went back to the up and down roller coaster of emotions.
- I never know what to believe anymore. One day he loves me and might to something to show it, like a back rub or something, and then the next day he's shouting at me calling me a b*tch and a c*nt and kicking me out of "his" house, because my name isn't on the title. And he always seems to think there is nothing wrong with the way he treats me.
- He nags at me constantly because I have gained (oh my gosh) SEVEN pounds since our wedding, and he says that I don't try to impress him anymore. Nevermind that he's put on 80+ pounds putting him over the line into morbidly obese since our wedding day. And he has other health issues because of it, but has lost any and all motivation to do anything because he "doesn't need to impress me anymore since we're already married."
- To top it off, ALL of his side of the family at one point or another have spoken to me about the things they have seen in him. His parents have apologized for his behaviors even though it's not their fault. He makes his own decisions but sometimes even THEY are ashamed of what they raised. His brother (who is one of my closest friends) has confided that he wished I would find the determination to go after what I want in life, since H doesn't care to do anything with his but work, eat, and sleep. His uncle (who is an observer and rarely speaks up in situations) has recently shared that he is surprised that I've lasted this long, and that though he admires my patience, he thinks I need to reevaluate things because I will never be able to change my H, and knowing that this is where my life will be 5 years down the road, I'd be better off getting out now. And that even though H has not been physically abusive, the family is aware that it is an emotional abuse, and that they are willing to help if any situation leaves me unsafe in H's presence.
- According to my dad, this is just the beginning of a pattern. Eventually once the emotional trauma isn't effective, he'll move into something more drastic (like threatening me with a weapon), and then if threatening isn't enough, that it can very easily lead to physical abuse...
(*deep breath*) So... based on this added information, what kind of advice can be given to a woman who is struggling to keep her marriage, does not believe in divorce, but is seemingly in situations that may need some kind of intervention?
Get into counseling....fast, please. You need some real professional help to sort these things out. He sounds abusive and potentially mentally unstable and you need to make a safety plan.
If I were in your shoes, I would go to my parents and work on myself. I wouldn't want to stay married to someone like you described, nor would I want to plan a family or the future with someone who you don't trust and fear. Then I would work on myself with a good counselor, focus on school and make a better life for myself, but that's just me!
The bolded things really bother me. You need to get the f*ck out of there! It's never okay to threaten someone with a weapon - regardless of whether or not you think he'd actually follow through and shoot you.
The verbal abuse is also a bad sign. He has no respect for you, and if he sees nothing wrong with his behavior, it'll never change. You deserve better. No one deserves to be yelled and cussed at.
Top it off with the fact that his own family tells you that you deserve better, and I'm not really sure why you're still with him.
Get out....NOW. Move in with your parents, get yourself into counseling, and start pursuing the life you want and deserve without him.