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I wish this were Mud (long)
Hi...
I've been lurking on this board for some time, and it's been awhile since I've posted. Years, in fact. But I need some help.
I wish what I am about to write was MUD, but unfortunately, it's not. I'm looking for some good advice on my marriage. I never thought I would have much to say on the TIP board, but here I am. Please go easy on me! I want honesty, but be kind. I'm going through quite a lot right now.
So..here goes. My husband and I have been together for 6 years of marriage, with 5 years of dating before that. We had a wonderful courtship and wedding, moved into a new house within the last year and a half, and have a cat. No kids in the mix at the present time. We've had ups and downs like anyone, but up until now things have been moving forward.
Recently, I've been going through a lot of personal things that have led me to believe that I have really started to disconnect from my marriage. In fact, I've probably disconnected for some time, but just haven't been so aware of it until recently.
I love my husband. He is a dear, sweet person. We share similar values, similar financial goals, and actually get along with each others' families. We function very well on the day to day stuff. Who does dishes, what bills need to be paid, and how to host the annual Thanksgiving party.
However, we've been really lacking in the emotional department. Despite the great parts of getting along, we've sort of moved into that "friend/roommate" zone. We rarely hold hands or share emotional feelings. I don't really look foward to going on dates or doing one-on-one things with him outside of the house. The sex is still active, but I have no interest at all. In fact, we are really suffering here. I have no interest in any sexual activity, and would even go so far as to say I am very uncomfortable with it. I feel "icky" about doing anything, which is the best I can describe it. He usually initiates and I go along because I feel like it is a duty or obligation. I would be happy never having sex again. It hurts to say that about him, but it's true. I often feel disheartened or uninterested in social activities with him as well. But, as a kind, caring husband, I do love him.
I suppose we functioned in this disconnected funk for some time. Unfortunately, I've spent the last few years as an active alcoholic. While I've going into treatment and the AA program, it is pretty apparent that my addiction spent a lot of time seperating us. I would usually rather spend time drinking than doing anything else. We managed to work a household, but our connection slipped. Thankfully, I'm 6+ months sober now and am working on things. Maybe that is now why I'm starting to finally open my eyes to the problems.
About a year ago, I started an emotional affair with a person at work. Unfortunately, that led to something physical. I found a person that I can connect with emotionally and sexually. We enjoyed going on dates as well as time in an intimate relationship. I feel like *** for doing this, but it fulfilled some of the things I was missing in my relationship. My husband knows about the affair, but not to the extent that it went. Nor does he know that at times I still talk to this person. I'm finding it nearly impossible to completely shut this person out from my life.
I am wondering at what point to I seriously consider divorce. I don't feel excited in my marriage they way I should be. No, life does not need to be an adventure every second, but I should also no feel like a dinner date is something I have to "get through". The sex is done out of obligation and no real interest. We have now started to talk about a serious disagreement on children (I do not want them, he does). In fact, he told me he loves me, but would not have married me if he knew I didn't want children. We did talk about kids before we got married, but my feelings about it and his have slowly drifted apart.
What I find is that it is so difficult because I do love him. Every time I feel like I am ready to pull up the big girl panties and have a serious conversation about a divorce, I find a reason to back out. I love him. I worry about his financial status if I leave. etc. etc. Something always just stabs me in the heart about a divorce, even though I am not exactly happy either.
I am going to AA and working on the drinking part. I see someone individually for therapy. We are going to marriage therapy together. Our joint therapist has expressed to us that he sees a real lack of emotional connection. My personal therapist has told me it sounds like I have made a decision, I just am not ready to do the leg work yet.
We are trying, but we have become distant. Again, I love him. We work well together as a team. However, the emotional piece is just lacking. And, unfortunately, the emotional part is something I needed more than I realized (which is what led me to the affair in the first place). He loves me. He has expressed that he wants to work on things. I do too. How long do we try though?
Please advice. I will post more if people have questions. There is so much more, but I didn't want to go overboard on the first post. I'm sure I already have!!
Re: I wish this were Mud (long)
Sounds you definitely are going through a lot, but you have chosen to disconnect and not give your marriage, or your husband, for that point, 110% to see if you can truly make it work. You say you are trying, but sounds like "half-assing" it by still talking to the person you had your affair with. If you were serious about wanting to make it work with your husband or dissolve it completely, you would give your all and see what comes of it. You are not giving your all. Be true to yourself. Come clean with him about the entire affair, talk about why you have changed regarding children (this definitely can be what dissolves the marriage completely). This are important topics that need to be talked about and I am sure you are dealing with these things slowly through counseling, but just like you said, you need to pull those big girl panties up and have these talks with your husband. I know these talks can be extremely difficult, but it is also extremely difficult to change where you are in the relationship from roommates to H & W agai until you decide to give it your all, but it sounds like you are in no place to jump ship either way at this point. You need balance within YOURSELF before you can find balance with others.
My best of wishes to you and your sobriety!
I know I'm kinda half assing it. And I feel like crap for that.
Ugh.. sometimes there is so much going on that I feel paralyzed to do anything! It is so scary to have such a major change or major problems. I'm much better at the ignoring and sucking it up part!
You are only 6 months into your sobriety. Your brain is still working on processing life without the stimulus of intoxicants. That can mean that "regular life" seems lackluster or boring. Your affair gave you the same exciting rush and escape from reality that booze used to.
You should continue in AA. Meeting makers make it. Is your husband in Al-Anon? He should be trying to figure out why he was willing to marry a woman in active addiction.
You should get individual counseling to help you sort out your feelings. You need to go 100% non-comm with your lover because he is just proving to be another drug for you to be hooked on. If after personal therapy and some marriage counseling you still feel like you want to be divorced from your husband, do it. But don't take a shortcut through the process because it will fill you with pain and regret.
does your therapist know that you are still talking to the affair man..?
are you being totally hoest 100% with counselor?
i believe he would insist on 100% non involvement on your affair man and by you continuing talking to him you will not be able to work on your other issues.
maybe sobering up has opened your eyes and you see that your H is not the man for you, maybe you realize that you want more from a realtionship than you have, but remember things arent always greener..im wondering if your expectations of what is out there are based on reality.
i think maybe a seperation would be good for both of you.
i remember when i was in therapy feeling guilty about leaving...my therapist said to me...staying in a relationship out of guilt is 100% the wrong reason to be there...it took me a while to deal with the guilt...actually 13 years later i still feel some, but i couldnt let me stay in an unhappy marriage...either should you.
Are you serious? I think you've already gone way beyond that point.
You claim to love your husband. Ok.
If you truly loved your husband as you say then you would cut off all contact with the person that you cheated on him with. You've made a commitment to sobriety which is laudable, good for you.
Do right by your husband and tell him the lay of the land. He deserves to make the decision that is right for him with all the facts. You can't solve the emotional disconnect while continuing to have any contact with the person that you cheated with, period.
I think you might be better off divorcing your husband and allowing him to be loved as he deserves with respect and honesty. Don't drag it out and try to salvage something that you aren't putting your whole efforts into.
Do it or don't, but you both deserve better at this point.
This is what I was thinking too. Especially if your husband is as good of a person as you indicate and you care about him as much as you say you do, you owe it to him to give him all the facts and let him make a decision about whether or not he can even stay in this marriage. You were lucky that he wanted to stay and work things out after you had an affair, and you've taken advantage of that by continuing to be in contact with your lover (I assume ending contact was part of the plan when you decided to stay married?).
It is impossible for you to be emotionally connected to your husband while you are lying to him and sneaking around behind his back. You haven't given this a fair shot and you never will until you stop talking to your lover. If that isn't something you can do then I think it IS time for divorce.
Let's get down to brass tacks here. You don't love your husband, not really. You may love qualities of his, but you aren't invested in him or the marriage. I doubt you will ever be. I mean, you can keep trying marriage counseling until you're blue in the face, but a third party cannot make you feel something you don't.
The kind thing to do here is to hire a lawyer and file for divorce. If he's a good guy, then he deserves to be loved by someone who is capable of it.
This 100%
If I remember from my addiction classes back in college, This is exactly why you are not to engage in new relationships, really of any kind. They are usually not healthy and wrong for you. Magsugar was right you need to cut of all ties with the other man. If not for your marriage, then for yourself and your sobriety. Your marriage is going to take time to get accustomed to soberiety. Also you are going to have to learn everything over sober. And nothing will be as it was. One last thing, if you are not being 100% honest with your therapists you may as well stop going. You and your marriage will never fully heal with out that. If your therapists are not challenging you and are not helping you, find new ones. You should be making progress and it sounds like you are flat.
Read this book. It's fantastic. Your DH should read it too. It will help both of you understand why you cheated, help you figure out how each of you contributed to the problems in the marriage, help you both assess if your marriage is even worth saving, and if you decide that it is, will help you learn how to rebuild your relationship.
I think you aren't recognizing how much your alcoholism has most likely impacted your marriage. Being an active alcoholic for several years where you would "rather spend time drinking than doing anything else" is going to wreak havoc on even the best of marriages. I think that lacking an emotional connection at this point should probably be expected.
It sounds like you have a pretty great husband. You love him, he's a "dear, sweet person", you have similar goals and values, and function well on a day to day basis. These things are HUGE and there are many couples who cannot say these things about their marriage. Not to mention that he loves you enough that he stuck with you through your active addiction AND an affair. This man must really love you. I think it would be a giant mistake to walk away from this, and that you should fight like hell to try to make this marriage work. Honestly, I think a big part of the problem is your own personal issues that unavoidably have impacted the marriage, and leaving your husband won't fix any of your personal problems.
The only thing that I see as a clear deal breaker is you now not wanting kids. That said, you are a bit of a mess right now and really not in a place to make any big decisions. You've been an active alcoholic for years, you had an affair and are still talking to the man, and you are unhappy with your marriage. I really think it's impossible to say that you wouldn't want kids if you were further into your sobriety and were happy with yourself and your marriage.
Weak marriages can often be fixed. The emotional connection can absolutely be rebuilt. It sounds like all of the foundational things are still there - the similar values, you get along on a daily basis, you still think he's a good and kind person, etc. I think you should fight like hell before giving up, and that if you leave, you will learn the hard way that the grass is not always greener. However, you have to actually commit yourself to fixing things and not allow yourself to stay checked out.
Once you have been sober for much longer and have really figured out the source of your personal unhappiness, why you cheated, and and have reconnected emotionally with your husband, then address the kids issue. This could be a couple years down the road when you get to this point. Since you once wanted kids, I have a feeling that once your life is in order and you are happy, you will want them again. However, if you still don't and your DH does, then he'll have a big decision to make at that point. As the one who right now feels that you don't want kids, there's no harm in giving your marriage a real chance, even if it takes a couple of years to do this. It's not like you have to worry about your biological clock if you aren't the one who wants kids.
Please read the book I recommended and make sure your DH reads it too. It's really very good and I think will help.
This. You're using the affair to replace the rush in your brain alcohol used to provide, just another way of avoiding boring everyday life.
No-contact with the person you engaged in the affair with, unless you're no longer married to your husband. You're not being honest with your therapist or you'd have heard this by now.
Ditto - you're not in a place to make a major decision b/c you've only been sober for 6 months. Stop talking/communicating/e-mailing/texting everything with the other guy. Talk to your sponsor more and meet their sponsor and hang out with some sober people who have made the same mistake you're about to make and then wait...6 more months or so and revisit your feelings.
Are you united with the CCOKCs?