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help!
Hi! My husband and I have been married for two years (together for five). He has always had anger issues and has been saying for years that he would go get help but something has always come up first (grad school/move/bad commute/difficult job) that prevents him from having the time.
He has always been quick to yell, sometimes even to the point where he's shaking and turning red and spit is flying off his lips at me (during an argument). There have been a few instances where he has grabbed me and pinned me to the bed/couch, or prevented me from moving and I have had bruises after the fact, but he has never actually hit me. Last night he got mad and grabbed my computer and threw it in a chair and I told him to NOT grab my computer like that, and he later "tossed" it at me, obviously out of anger, and it hit my in my stomach. He immediately said "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit you like that" after he saw me grab my stomach and start crying, but it didn't feel all that sincere. I left the room for the rest of the evening.
He's the king of the silent treatment and can hold out for a night or a week, it all depends on how long it takes me to break him down and beg that he talks to me. He gets mad over the smallest thing and I do end up feeling like I'm walking on eggshells a lot. When I bring up to him that I'm tired of the way he's treated me and he HAS to go get help, that we can't even go to counseling together because a counselor probably won't see us together yet, he just screams and tells me I'm a dumba** for even wanting to be with him. He calls me stupid and lazy and an idiot a lot during arguments.
I never get the opportunity to be angry or annoyed about anything, because it will somehow be flipped around on me, AND because his silent treatment phases are so long that I would rather not waste my time at my own turn at anger. I just let things go a lot. I spend a lot of time reading marriage self-help books and trying to change things about myself, but it doesn't seem like anything I do is ever noticed.
His biggest complaint is that I blame him for 90% of the problems in our marriage. I try to admit when I am wrong, but when we have "normal" married people problems and then two seconds later he's screaming and calling me names, it's hard to focus on the fact that I was snippy with him during the argument earlier. I admittedly just sort of get blinded by his issues and I know that's a problem, but it's hard. I always end up being the one to apologize, even for things that aren't my fault simply to bring the peace back, but he rarely remembers those times.
I just don't know what else to do to show him that I'm not trying to be self-righteous and that I'm not trying to "prove a point" or "always be right", I just need him to get down to an acceptable level of respect before we can even delve into NORMAL marriage issues.
Side note: not that this carries any weight but...when he's not angry, we do get along very well. It's not constant hell in our house. I do sort of live with the constant possibility of pissing him off in the back of my mind, but we do have lots of fun together and have an active sex life. He's VERY much a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde type of person. It's so hard to look at him when he's angry and even remember the husband I love at all.
I guess that's enough to start off with. Go for it. I appreciate any and everything you have to offer me.
Re: help!
And no, I have never told anybody about any of this stuff. At least not the serious stuff. I feel ashamed. I don't want my friends/family to look badly at him, because then if he goes and gets help, they will never trust him again.
Plus, he tells me often "how do you think I got like this?" and it's true. He is so incredibly loving with EVERYBODY else in his life. He's super close to his mom, grandmother, two younger brothers, etc. It's just me..
Marriage self-help books wont turn an abuser into a good husband. And that is what he is... you're married to an abuser and you're being abused.
And everybody loves him in his life because that is what an abuser does. He is SO charismatic and charming to win over the other people in his life so you feel like no one will believe you and you ultimately stay with him (well, at least until he's killed you).
You need to get out... yesterday!
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I know you're right. I hate saying this because it sounds so small but..do you really think NOTHING could be done to change him? If he went to individual therapy, you think nothing could change?
No. I'm sorry. No amount of counseling will fix someone who's an abuser. ESPECIALLY if it's already escalated to physical abuse. He'll go to the counseling and play nice with the counselor and make you feel like all is better... and then a few months later something small will come up and he'll come at you with a bat.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Look, I was married to a guy like that. He was great to his friends, his dad, his grandmother but when it came to me he had no problems screaming at me, throwing things, hitting me, etc. For a long time I thought it was me. I lived in fear for my life. I started to realize it wasn't me, it's him. He had the problem. He was capable of controlling himself around other people because he wanted to be the good guy. He had know reason to control himself around me because I HAD to be with him. He told me that I couldn't leave him because of my religious beliefs. People didn't believe me when I told them what he did. The people that mattered did though.
I left him and it was the best decision I ever made in my life. The first several months were hard because he went off the deep end. I am in a much healthier relationship now. I am more relaxed and much, much happier.
He actually told me like 30 minutes ago that he no longer wants to be with me. He said that there should be SOME easy/fun times in a marriage and with me it's difficult everyday. I feel like we do have LOTS of fun times and it hurts that he says I make every single day difficult. He left to go workout for awhile but he said he's done with me. I'm just kind of frozen and having a hard time making my brain process things.
I knowwww. He says that a lot though. And then he comes back home and says he didn't mean it and it was just out of anger. It wasn't so much the "I don't want to be with you" as the "you make every day difficult".
Ugh, just rereading that hurts MY head. I'm a mess..
Of course he's putting it off on you. It's never his fault is it? You make him mad, you should have done x y & z better, if you just... So let me tell you, IT IS NOT YOU! He's the azzhole. It is his way of breaking you down. It's his way of making sure you feel so bad about yourself that you just feel grateful that he is willing to put up with you. He's manipulating you.
You are worth more than that. You deserve better. You deserve to feel safe and happy. You need to save yourself.
You need to get out. You know that's the truth.
No one can make you leave, you need to find that strength within yourself. But you are strong enough, and you do deserve better than this.
He is not going to get better, the abuse is only going to get worse. He has no problem hurting you, mentally, physically or emotionally. He is not going to suddenly start caring and change.
Please, call your family and get out of there. You're not going to surprise them when you tell them what's been happening. The people around an abuse victim have usually figured out what's going on long before the victim admits it.
I, also, was married to a charasmatic guy - people gravitated to him because he was always jovial and inclusive of others. At home though...he was cold and distant. It got worse and worse. There was almost zero emotion from him, even over things that "normal" people should be emotional about. If I showed emotion, he got angry. He never hit me or threw things at me, but I think he knew my limits and was careful to never cross that boundary.
If I tried to discuss these issues, it became my fault. My fault that I was melodramatic, my fault for making mountains out of molehills, my fault for not providing a home he wanted to live in. I tried to change for him too, but deep down I really couldn't find anything that needed to be changed. My logical mind ultimately won out. I certainly wasn't perfect in the relationship, but I also wasn't guilty of everything he was accusing me of. He upped the ante and asked for a separation (because he couldn't stand me anymore), but I ended up calling his bluff and filed for divorce. It hurt me more than I can describe, but it was one of the best decisions I ever made. Now I'm happy and healthy and he's moved on to his next victim.
Sometimes abuse can be a very subtle thing. It was in my marriage for a very long time, and it made me more and more dependent on him and his approval. It was sick. Please get yourself out of this marriage and into some counseling. The way you are living is not normal and it is not healthy, nor will it ever be. Abusers are abusers to the core of their being...it is simply who they are. The nice act is simply that, an act. They're obsessed with being the one everyone likes so they can justify their penchant for control of those they perceive as being weak. Get out of this cycle, please.
ETA: After I found my backbone, my XH then wanted my approval (again, part of his personality of wanting to surround himself with adoration). I told him if he ever contacted me again, I'd get a restraining order. If you leave (and, damn, I hope you do), beware of him trying to court you back. It's by design. He wants you because you're strong, but if you give in, then you're weak again.
He is manipulating you because that is what abusers do. You need to get out of this situation.
His rasons for not getting anger management help are BS--he doesn't want to change and has no intention of doing so. The fact that he can control himself aroind every other human being on the planet says that he CHOOSES to treat you this way.
And ditto all the other that none of this is your fault. Nothing you do makes him get angry or out of control; he uses this anger to destroy your self esteem and control you.
I was in a similar relationship once, and even though you love the man you thought he was, you need to get out now. He's started to escalate to more physical violence and it's only a matter of time before he seriously hurts you or kills you.
Now you've crossed a line. This post is downright dangerous. Be silly and stupid and obnoxious in another post. Please just stay out of the ones about something as real and life-endangering as being in an abusive relationship.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
And obviously she should be leaving should she be assaulted in the first place. If this isn't "MUD" then it's common sense to leave an abusive spouse.
I'm really sorry that you are loathe to let go of this relationship. You don't see it now, but you will be doing yourself a HUGE favor when you leave. You don't understand what at true, loving relationship is right now. When you leave you will have time to work on yourself and get the help you need to see that you don't deserve this.
The next time he flies off the handle it could be a metal bat to your skull. He might be apologizing at that point, but it won't matter because your brains will be spatter against the wall. He can't control himself, and nothing you do will help him change. Please protect yourself and end this marriage.
I'd suggest you take a walk to your local woman's shelter and become a little more educated in the cycle of abuse and the kind of mind games the abused experiences so that this "common sense" you speak of is no longer so black and white.
All an abused person needs is that ONE person that tells her she's wrong to consider leaving, and she'll stay. Do you want that on your head?
I get it, you dislike Interro for some reason. That's cool. Start a bunch of new posts trying to annoy her. Awesome. But I'm begging you to leave this particular poster alone for a bit.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Seriously. Troll me in a new post, I don't care. Leave this OP be.
You don't have normal people problems. The problem is that your husband is an abuser.
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1326739003&sr=1-1
Do you think that you can get your hands on the above book without him seeing? It will help you understand a lot of his reactions.
Things being good when they are good and bad when they are bad are part of the cycle of abuse.
http://www.domesticviolence.org/cycle-of-violence/
His behavior is not normal and is not a marital issue. You shouldn't have to live with being called names or never being able to express any issue that you might have with him because it will always be turned around on you.
His mishandling of your possessions is actually physical abuse and will only escalate.
Can you imagine living this exhausting lifestyle for the next 50 years...? Always walking on eggshells, never being able to fully express what you're feeling because you are fearful of retribution? That isn't a full life. Do you have kids?
I have to run but I hope you consider some of the above...you deserve better and shouldn't have to live your life in ANY kind of fear from the person who is supposed to love and cherish you. If you want to talk further or want more book recs you can pm me or page me on this board.
I have been where you are. You can't help this man, he has to seek the help himself. He won't get better with it while you are with him. Whether he wants to be with you is irrelevant. He has a problem which will only get worse the longer you stay. I know how hard it is to leave but you have made the first step by coming here. Make a plan. Do you work? Can you stay with family? Do you have any friends in town?
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Wow. That's classy. If you've got nothing productive to say to help the OP, go away. Your rude and thoughtless comments aren't needed here. Obviously you have never experienced an abusive relationship and don't know how the abuser tries to apologize and make nice until it gets ugly again.
OP - I cannot tell you how many times my exBF told me he was "done with me" and that everything was my fault. I mean, he beat the crap out of me, called me every name in the book and cheated on me, but really, it was all me. So he would say he was leaving, I would beg him to give me another chance, and of course, being the wonderful man he was, he would take me back. Wasn't that so generous of him?
What he is doing is textbook for an abuser. They beat down your self-confidence enough that you really start thinking that it IS you. But it is not. It never was. It is ALLLLL him, and you deserve better. You cannot fix him. you cannot change him. He really isn't a good guy underneath.