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help me sort out a TTC change of plans
Sorry if I may DD this later. But I would like some opinions for now. I am having a hard time understanding this.
DH is looking into a slight career change, though still in the medical field but different area. This will involve a dramatic reduction in pay for 4 yrs into a substantial increase over what he makes now when he is done. We have planned to TTC at the end of next year. If he gets in, this change will start about 2 yrs from now. Unfortunately, due to the financial stress (less pay plus we will just be making a dent on the med school loans by then) and more worktime involved with this temporary career change DH thinks we should put off TTC. I am turning 32 this year, he turns 30. I have to say, the career change is not the only reason, but a big one. He has made friends with older people who gave him this idea that having kids later (like late 30s) is not a bad thing and his brother is so overwhelmed with two kids and has discouraged him from having kids.
This is obviously not what I want. I myself have thought about a career change but a huge part of me is no longer interested in pursuing that and instead just advancing my career wherever it takes me. I know getting pregnant immediately is not always likely. I can understand delaying a year, maybe even two but to our late 30s to wait to TTC? Part me me thinks: This is not what I want, and this is not what we "agreed" before we get married. The first and last time we talked about this we pretty much "agreed to disagree". I have been thinking about it more and will talk to him again. If you were me, how would you feel about this and what would you do? Is it awful that at some point the big D crossed my mind? If course I do not want that but the voice inside me is screaming "this is not what I want".
Edit: just to clarify I am supportive of the career change, I just don't see that it is absolutely necessary to delay TTC for 5-7 yrs, especially not that im almost 32.
Re: help me sort out a TTC change of plans
Given your age, is your H willing to take the gamble of not being able to have children at all? Also is your H's concern with TTC now entirely financial, or is he considering the long hours he will have to put in, in what sounds like a medical residency in a new specialty? Assuming you also work, is there any way you could help alleviate the financial burden if this is his major concern? Given the input of his friends and brother, has your H really changed his mind about kids and is just delaying making (or communicating) this decision?
My situation is somewhat similar. I am in my early (soon-to-be mid-30s) and my H's job will not be conducive to kids for another at least 5yrs... and by not conducive, I mean *majorly* not conducive in that he may be deployed for up to a year. Ideally, we'd like to wait until the chance of deployment has ended to have kids, but in reality, I know that by waiting, we would be taking a gamble that we will either not be able to have them at all, not be able to have more than one, or require significant medical intervention in order to do so. So even though we're looking at a less than ideal scenario, we both agree that chilldren are important enough to us to make that sacrifice. This was a discussion we had prior to marriage, and if he were to change his mind on this, I would absolutely feel confused and hurt, but I can't say the D-word would cross my mind.
Do you want to trade the relationship you have with your H for the possibility of either having kids on your own timeline, by yourself, or looking for someone else to have them with (which, realistically, is unlikely to happen before your H's timeline is up anyway)?
I think your point of view is totally valid. Obviously, you really need to have a heart-to-heart with your DH to figure out what is going on. The most important thing I would point out is that just because you hear about people having success stories with late pregnancies, that's not always the case. Our eggs all have an expiration date, and it could be before our 40s. I personally wouldn't want to take that risk if I didn't have to.
If DH's brother is overwhelmed with his kids, could it because he had them really close together? If so, talk to him about the brilliant idea of having one baby sooner and another a little later.
In any case, it sounds like your DH isn't totally breaking the deal--I assume he still wants kids. If that's the case, it seems a little silly on his part to risk a divorce over having them now or 5 years from now. I definitely wouldn't mention D at this point. It will just sound like a threat. But definitely let him know that you're not happy with this idea and that it's not all up to him.
Good luck.
You both need to sit down and be 100% honest with each...put it all out there on the table...then you have a decision to make once you know how he feels. Can you live with the choices ? is there a compromise?
until you get 100% honesty from both sides you'll continue to play the guessing game.
If this is a deal breaker for you and he is not going to compromise on cutting the waiting in half, then think about the consequences. You divorce and that takes a year, you have to meet someone you think worthy of a relationship, there goes another year, you get engage and marry, perhaps another year. How is waiting with him any different time wise as to hunting down another guy to have children?
I think your DH is a entitled to his opinion, but he has to realize he had an agreement with a woman who is not wanting to wait. Have you spoken to a doctor to see if there is a possibility of problems conceiving at a later age? I hope you find a compromise and split the time difference, but I wouldn't be surprised if he is still not ready when the deadline approaches.
I'd talk to him about his fears and I would explain my fears of waiting too long to try to have children. I would tell him his brother's life is not the one you are leading. You cannot compare your decision and family planning to his friends.
I have a lot of thoughts about this...as I had my kids at 30 and 34 and have friends who had kids at 35 and 40.
#1: It is a lot of hard work...and I wouldn't want to do it alone while my partner is too busy with other stuff. It is extremely stressful and add to it a busy spouse, I can't imagine it...although I know people do it all the time.
#2: The benefits of being older is that you are usually in a better financial place, done a lot of those things you wanted to do before having kids, and I have always felt like I've known who I was and what I wanted out of life before being a mommy. And I feel like it has made me a better mom. Being able to give 100% to my kids because I don't feel like I missed out on anything or have any more "growing up" to do... and I had the time to be about just me and me and my DH.
#3: Having children is a huge stressor on a relationship. I thought my DH and I were great communicators, but the first year with our 1st child was really rougher between us than I expected. And it is hard having kids for so many reasons... you can't fully understand it until you have them, no matter what experience you have and no matter how many times you've babysat. That being said, I have many friends who decided to remain without kids and they are happy for choosing that lifestyle and it is a brave choice and one they are always asked to defend. And often it is the stress of having children that make us warn others that while it is amazing, it is really difficult. So, his brother may be telling him the truth as he sees it... only your DH can decide if the risk is worth the rewards.
#4: And I also believe that no child should be born to a parent who doesn't want them. There have been so many times where I have wanted to rip my hair out with the things that happen with my children, and then I look at them and know in the deepest parts of my heart, that they were both soooo wanted and sooo loved and then I feel lucky to have them and everything is ok. I can't imagine not having that.
#5: I know while it is harder to get PG later in life, it isn't impossible. And while it may not be your preference, you have to weigh your options. But, I think you need to sort out if this delay is his way of saying no later...or if it is really a I'm scared but somewhere down the line I can see saying yes. Then you'll know if it's truly a dealbreaker.
Good luck.
As someone who is older and trying to conceive and hasn't in almost five years, I can definitely understand your worries. It might be worth just doing a few blood tests to see what your fertility looks like right now, because it declines rapidly at 35 and, quite honestly, being on a few fertility boards, some women at 30 have the fertility of the average 40 year old (so there's no guarantee that you are fertile right now).
This is definitely someting to keep talking about and it may be something that you need a therapist to help with the conversation. Best of luck.
Well, I had my son at 38. I didn't plan on this, and in a perfect world, I would NOT have had DS this late. We wanted to have our first when I was 33.
I understand talking to othe rpeople to bounce thoughts off of, etc, but making a decision like this shouldn't be about "other people". It should be about what the 2 of you want. It's your life - not theirs. ANd it concerns me that your DH is putting more weight on their words than on yours.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thank you for all the advise. There were views I have not really thought about in great detail until now. DH is a little wishy washy on the timeline, depends on how frustrated he is with his current job during the conversation or if he just hung out with his brother and seen how much of a handful 2 kids are--and how he can't imagine having kids at the moment. The financial side is a factor considering that my career change was on the table but I am taking it off if that means we have to postpone TTC. I honestly would be resentful of my career (no matter how happy I am with my job) if 5 years later I find out I can't have a baby anymore (and would blame myself and my H for waiting too long). The workload is also a factor since we does not want be to bear much of the work with taking care of the baby.
It was difficult to open up the subject again because I was afraid of what I would hear when I asked "WHEN?". Fortunately, he was okay with postponing just a year and that we will TTC no matter what. So many changes going on in our lives lately and with the new baby in the family, he sees his brother less, and when he is over our house he always has the "screaming" kids with him. They never have any alone time just being guys and all. So I think that really affected his view on kids.
I am 37 and we have little 2 kids. I very much wish we had the extra time to have more kids. As it stands we are not going to have third kid because we started late and don't want to have a 3rd until the youngest kid is 3 which I think is too old to start having more kids (for me at least). So given my situation I would not make any promises to delay kids for 3-5 years.
I'd cut back your life style now while things are stil comfortable, save as much as you can and revisit in a year. One kid is usually not a budget buster once you can sort out childcare. We were fine with one because we lived in a pretty small place. Two kids of opposite genders has been much harder on our budget since we moved to a larger place and had an increase in childcare.