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I'm not attracted to my new husband.
My husband and I have been married since the beginning of October and I can count the number of times we've had sex on two hands.
I don't think that's normal.
I also don't think I'm attracted to him.
I've always been pretty sexually expressive with my mates, and it wasn't any different with him until a couple months before the wedding. I attributed our "dry spell" before the wedding to us both being busy. A lot of things changed for us in a very short time: We both changed jobs and moved to a different city. Now I have a great job that takes up a TON of my time, and he has a 55-mile commute and is exhausted every night by 8 p.m. It doesn't help the fact that he's a lot less experienced than I am and not very creative in bed. It just doesn't feel intimate when we're doing it, at least not the way it should.
He never initiates sex, and if he does, it's like he's picking on my or joking around when I just want him to be romantic with me once in a while. Of course I've told him this, his response? "That's just the way I am."
I love him, but I'm definitely ashamed to admit that it's gotten to the point where I'm thinking about OTHER men in that way. Of course I haven't done anything I shouldn't, but I don't want to hurt him by doing something stupid out of desperation.
Let me clarify: I'm not desperate for sex. I'm desperate for a sexual connection with someone, especially the man I love.
Re: I'm not attracted to my new husband.
Picking on you? What do you mean?
Anyway, if the sex and attraction were fine before the current dry spell, then it's possible that the two of you have just gotten out of the habit of being sexual with each other and thinking of each other sexually. That'll kill attraction, for sure.
What happens when you initiate sex? What about when you try something new and creative?
Picking on me: Like in a joking manner. Tickling me (I hate being tickled.) or whatever else.
I like it when he takes control of the situation and seduces me, and I don't mind it being the other way around every once in a while, but when it's every single time that I'm the initiator, it becomes a problem. If I make the first move, everything is fine, but he's not exactly physically able to do many creative things in bed and it ends up being very predictable.
"but he's not exactly physically able to do many creative things in bed and it ends up being very predictable"
Can you clarify "physically able"? Does he have a disability?
I would need more information, but just based on what you are saying, I think it might help if you both communicate and make a conscious effort to make time for sex. It's normal for frequency to go up and down depending on current circumstances, but you seem dissatisfied. Set aside a time to talk about this, and explain to him exactly what you are missing.
He's not disabled. By physically unable, I mean more like... he's slightly overweight and he can't handle burning a lot of calories in bed. That sounds awful, but it's a big deal for me. We've never had the kind of passionate, sweaty sex I've had in past relationships. I guess I married him because he's such a great person, but now I'm wondering if that's enough. The more posts like mine I read, the more I realize that it's a common issue. And while I probably should be encouraged by the fact that this IS a common thing for couples to go through, I feel more discouraged because I know that it's not normal. I don't just want to settle. He's always ready to go if I want him to, but he has a really weird way of telling me he wants to have sex. When I want to be kissed and touched in an intimate way, he just shows me his penis, and that's a big turnoff. I mean, I'm sure it's a typical guy move, sure, sometimes, but I need to be swept off my feet. It's happened before, so I know it's not impossible, but I've never seen it from him.
Are we going to have to have the "we've become roommates" conversation?
Well, you definitely need to have some sort of conversation. He needs to know how important this issue really is to the well being of your marriage.
Though... his "go to" move is to show you his penis? That's not really a typical guy move, unless the guy is in highschool. Maybe explain to him explicitly what you would like him to do? If you are just hinting, he may not be getting what you want.
He's only slightly overweight --- a sex session shouldn't leave him bushed (no pun intended) like he just ran the New York and Boston Marathons end to end.
Is it at all possible he just does not want to make the effort, hence the "whew! I'm really exhausted...g'nite honeyzzzzzzz" or is it possible he has an underlying health probloem?
He just whips it out???
And he expects THAT to be your foreplay......
Was he like this before you got married?
You and he need to talk about this and stat. He's got to make more of an effort and meet you at least halfway.
just sit on his face. that requires no physical strain on his end. lol I'm just kidding.
I think you should just talk to him...to try to get him to open up and be sexual with you. Get a book, or if you read cosmo...just casually say "we should try this.." and ask him what he thinks would be fun etc....
try doing one new sex position every time you guys have sex..if you gotta break out the book thats fine too. I've done it before....
I dont think that you can change him from being not such a sexual person to a sexual person overnight...its going to take some time.
@NB hilarious! Though I probably shouldn't laugh.
It's not really a "weight issue." Another "heavy" factor (had to throw in that pun... sorry) is that although he's ten years older than I am, I'm a lot more experienced in that department than he is. But I wouldn't even consider myself a sexual person, you know? I've never been into toys, or porn, or acrobatic sexual positions. I just want to be romanced. We have a blast every other minute of the day, we talk about everything, we laugh, we go out and have fun together, but when we get home and it's time for bed, he throws on the sweats and passes out the minute he climbs into bed. I kind of expected the sex to taper off at a certain point, but I expected that point to be years down the line... not months.
I can't stop thinking about this other man I occasionally run into at work. I've tried envisioning my husband the same way I think about this other guy, on the suggestion of other ladies I've talked to about this, but it just seems... awkward.
It's like kissing my best friend. No wait. It's exactly like kissing my best friend.