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Depression/Responsibility
At what point is it okay to share with a depressed person that their actions are hurtful to you?
Heres the situation:
My best friend of 16 years has on going issues with depression. She'll be okay for a while, and then suddenly she isnt. Its been over a month since we've actually had a real conversation or seen each other. I periodically send her an email telling her that I miss her and hope shes doing okay, and that I'm always here for her. She either doesn't respond, or sends "I'm just down right now, don't feel like talking", but I'll see her later on facebook making posts, etc. She doesn't answer her phone, and occasionally will say she'll stop by but then never does.
I know this is flame worthy but I'm just tired of her depression making her have zero responsibility for the rude/hurtful things she does towards me. Over the past year our friendship seems to have fallen apart. I can never confide in her or talk about things going on in my life because shes depressed, or in her words, her life is so terrible that no one else has room to complain about theirs. I know its a terrible analogy but its almost like a drug addict... "You can't blame me or expect me to do anything because I'm a drug addict", only replace that with "I'm depressed".
I love her, and I want her to get help. I don't want to preach it to her, and she has admitted before that she needs to go back on meds. I have always felt like if I pushed the issue it would just make things worse. I just don't think its fair that she gets to continue to ignore me, break plans, etc. and I have to continue to act like its "all okay" because once again, shes depessed.
So do I just suck it up and keep up with the supportive communication? Do I completely stop communication? Do I tell her that her ignoring me hurts my feelings? I just feel like I'm at an impass.
Re: Depression/Responsibility
I think a major part of your frustration is that your friend is not "helping herself" by getting proper medical care. That would be a point of anger for me - - I can stand and support people for things they have no control over (loss of job, car accident), but there comes a time where they have to help themselves or I can't be a support system any longer.
I also think in your case, you are finding that she is not "there" for you. I don't think you need to confront her about it, but I DO think you need to open up your own support system for friends who will listen to you, who have a relationship of "give and take" with needs. You seem very dependant on her as a sounding board and confidant when she is not a reliable friend.
Once you enlarge your circle of friends, if your friend hasn't improved you'll find the friendship dying a natural death, since it seems you make most of the effort at this point.
I guess thats where I am at now, but I'm just sad that its dying. I have other friends, and really my best friend is my husband but it doesn't change that losing a 16 year friendship is hard. I want a mutual friendship and I can't make her change, but I guess thats where I was unsure, whether or not I should make a last effort to say something or just let it go. Sometimes I don't think she realizes the impact her behavior has on other people, and of course its always off limits to talk about. But you are right, her actions probably don't need to be called out...what happens will happen.
I agree with this. And, since your friendship is dying already, why not bring it up? Why not put in a letter telling her how much you miss her and how much it hurts you that she doesn't seem to value your friendship. I think it's also okay to tell her that she probably doesn't see the impact her untreated depression is having on her friends and family. (Although it is her choice to treat it or not.)
As someone who has dealt with depression at various times in my life (and my most recent bout was the worst), it can be really hard to break out of your own "shame spiral" and realize how you are affecting others. It took DH several months before he could get through to me, and even then, I still had to re-start meds and counseling. I don't think it could hurt to tell her how you see her depression affecting your friendship - maybe it will help break through to her where other things don't.
It's possible that your friend, like I did, doesn't like the thought of being on medication for this. I dragged my feet for a long time, but it is SO much better now that I went back on them. I would suggest to her that she think about seeing a counselor, since perhaps she needs the kind of support that is above what you can provide.
I would also suggest that you try not to see her as being selfish. A seriously depressed person can get consumed by it, and it can become impossible to see anything but that; however, it doesn't mean that she doesn't care about your friendship or is blowing you off. When you are at that point, though, it just gets really hard to pull yourself together sometimes and to do your normal, everyday activities.
Thank you, I appreciate you listing a resource.
I guess what I'm starting to see is that if I want to remain friends with her this is just how its always going to be. I just wish she were able to step outside of herself for just a moment and see what shes doing and how shes acting.
I KNOW the depression is to blame for her behavior, at least for the most part. But by definition, her behavior is selfish regardless of the cause (I dont mean this in a negative way, just a factual one).
Part of the problem is that I can remember a time when we were younger and it was "all about me" then. I still really liked her and I just blamed it on youth. It seems to me in a way that the depression evolved into the equation and now it continues to be "all about her" in a safe way that no one can criticize.
Everything about it makes me sad. We have so much fun together when shes in a good place, and I don't mind being there for her when she isn't, but I hate that it feels like now I'm the only one who makes any effort at all. It really makes me sad that her coming around and talking to me is always based on how she feels, or her needs. I guess I'm expecting too much out of the wounded.