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Feeling depressed, need to vent.
I like to lurk in the F&B board but I felt the need to post here. It's a little off topic from "Starting Over" but maybe it won't be so far off.
A little history: SO and I had known each other for a year, we started dating and a month into the relationship he proposed. We were caught in this whirlwind romance and everything felt right at the time. We began to make plans to get married a year from our engagement date but things never materialized. The euphoria started wearing down and things began to spiral downward. I broke off the engagement about a year and a half ago but we decided to stay together and try and work things out.
I honestly feel that there has been too much damage done ? he has admitted that he has become disappointed with me and I?m just not the person he thought I was. And the truth is, he is right, I am very moody and have very low self-esteem ? I?ve always been this way, ever since I was little.
Now, over the past month he has decided that this year is the year to make things happen. He wants to buy a house, he wants to get married and he wants to have a kid ? not necessarily in that order. I lost my job this past October, due to some very crappy political reasons, and I?ve had a hard time recovering from that. All of those things he is striving for are not on my list for this year.
He is 36 and I am 28, his younger brother just got married and now SO is feeling extra pressure to start having a family (he is the oldest). Despite my issues, I believe in doing things right and I believe that I should marry first and then plan for a house and a kid. Then again, I?m not in any rush right now so I?m having a hard time preparing for the future. I don?t know what to do.
Because of this strain, I?ve talked about going on a break but he doesn?t want to, he says that if we go on a break, it?s over. I was seeing a psychologist but now that I?m unemployed I can?t anymore since I don?t have medical insurance and money is tight. I feel like I?ve been clear in stating that I am not moving forward with plans until we know that our relationship is stable and we know getting married is the right thing to do.
He?s told me that if marriage is so important then I have to come up with the money, since he?s planning on using his savings to put a down payment on a house. I?m not sure what to do ? I have no money and I have no job ? and I?m not sure where this relationship is headed.
Re: Feeling depressed, need to vent.
You should probably break up with him, then.
I'm not trying to sound cavalier - I'm serious. If your goals for the future aren't the same, then you're not a good match. Period. It really is that simple.
You probably feel hesitant because it sounds like you've been with him for a while and got prettydamn serious pretty quickly. But it's in your best interest to take a couple of very large steps backward and try to view this whole thing from above. This relationship isn't right for you - you said it yourself.
Good luck - I know it's really hard. Try to listen to your gut!
I think that there are several things at play here.
First are him and his goals. If they are not goals for both of you and he is moving forward with his, he is giving you a clear message of where he stands. Furthermore, the fact that he is not willing to work with you on a timeline of when to accomplish those goals, he is obviously not respecting you or your place in your relationship. From the sound of it, it sounds like he is pushing you away.
Then there is the greater issue here. You. You have been through a lot and have struggles of your own. It sounds like you are wanting to address these issues and thats a great first step. I think based on his "position" in the matter, he is not willing to wait for you to work on yourself. It may be something you have to accomplish on your own.
I would search deep down, think about YOUR goals and start working on those.
I wouldn't want to be with someone who put me in charge of paying thousands of dollars for a party while he put his money towards the "investment" in a house!
Walk away. If this is the guy you were meant to be with, you will get back together when you are in a better place yourself.
Don't get me wrong - I would like to get married, I would like to have kids - but I also feel that having a wedding, buying a house and having a kid is a little too much in one year.
For 1, for some of the emotional aspects as described above and 2 because I think it's not financially doable. I am unemployed and with his salary we are barely getting by. He owns another house already that he bought well before he and I got together. It's in a touristy area a few hours away from were we live/work currently, so we can't live in it. He uses it as a vacation rental but due to the economy we have not been breaking even over the past two-three years.
He wants to be "practical" and take advantage of the low interest rates but I can't fathom having another mortgage, especially when the 1st house is underwater.
Now, I love him but, he's been hesitating for so long and then all of a sudden I'm supposed to acquiesce just like that! I hear what you guys are saying and I really appreciate the advice - but of course, we're too familiar with each other now and it'll be hard. I've been applying for jobs in different cities - I wanted to do a long distance thing for a while, give us time to re-evaluate. But - we'll see - I'm having a hard time with everything.