Starting Over
joelen&louis
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Counseling... did you?
Within your process of separating/divorce, did you go to counseling together and/or separately to try and resolve your marital issues?
If you did - did it help? Long term? Short term? Not at all?
If you didn't - why?
Re: Counseling... did you?
I went after we started the divorce process, so I started only solo counseling. I strongly encourage everyone to go to counseling when going through a divorce, no matter is you left/were left, etc.
I found a wonderful counseler by recommendation of a friend. It was so helpful to just have someone neutral to cry to, vent to, help understand, etc.
I went for about 4 months and I definately got something good from it. She helped me realize certain issues that weren't OK in my marraige. I'd highly consider going back to her again if/when I get into another long term relationship, just to make sure I'm paying attention to the right things.
I did both during separation just to keep my head sane. We also tried marital counseling, but obviously that didn?t work.
While it didn't help our marriage, individual counseling did help me to get up the courage to file for divorce and during the time between when I left and when I filed, make sure I stayed gone and did not go back into that situation.
After the divorce process began, I went to counseling to process some of the emotions swirling inside me until I moved.
Like RRW, I highly recommend counseling to anyone who is going through a divorce or has just divorced. It's a tough process, and it helps to make sure you're seeing things clearly.
I have started individual counseling and plan to keep it up for quite a while. I have only had one session, but I can already tell it is going to be really helpful. It's never a bad idea to have a neutral third party to toss ideas off of, IMO. My friends are all being GREAT listeners, but they are obviously on my side and loyal to me, and I found I needed someone else to talk to so that I could have some input from someone who was less emotionally involved.
I may eventually invite my H (we are still living together, and I have not yet told him that I want a divorce...but he had an affair, which is a deal-breaker for me, and I was not happy anyway, so that is where I am headed) to come for a session only because I think it will be better for me to talk to him about things with my therapist present than it would be to do it alone. However, I have no interest in working things out, so it wouldn't really be a couples counseling situation.
We started in marriage counseling but when she couldn't work with us as a couple because he had more going on than she could manage, I stayed with her in individual counseling for about a year (he went on to another counselor).
It was soooo helpful. Not only did I deal with the marital stuff, I also worked on some stuff from my past and came to terms with a lot of hurt. I am in a much better place in my life because of my counselor. I recommend counseling to anyone going through divorce!
I did both. When things were going bad, we went to couples counselling. Obviously that didn't work. Ex put an end to it because what he took from the sessions that I was impossible and our problems were all my fault and I just needed to change. Now, anyone who's been to couple's counselling and anyone who understands dynamics of relationships knows that a couple's problems are never completely one person's fault.
When ex refused to keep going together, I started to see a counselor on my own. She was a life saver!!! She gave me the strength to be strong and get out of a bad relationship. I went to a counselor on my own probably for about 8 months. Recently I've been thinking of going back.
I definitely recommend it. Especially if you're starting to second guess yourself like I saw in your other post. It will help you focus on doing what's best for you, being strong and moving forward.
No,
i knew there was no amount of counseling that could make us compatable for each other or make me want to stay with him for another day.
i knew i wanted out, i put it off for years telling myself to keep trying...maybe for some couples it will help, but i had no desire to save my marriage what so ever.
Joelen- I'm lurking over here because of a friends situation but I "know" you from WC....so sorry you're going through this stuff.
FWIW, I'm a huge proponent of counseling, individual and/or couples. GL
I went into individual counseling a few months before we separated to deal with the same old issues (depression, anxiety, body image). After we separated, we tried marital counseling, but he wasn't a willing participant. The marital counselor was actually the one who had an intervention with me over the abuse she witnessed firsthand. XH honestly didn't see anything wrong in his behavior, and I was so deep into it that I couldn't recognize it either. It's still one of the biggest shames of my life. I continued individual counseling throughout the divorce process and a little bit afterwards. Amazingly, the depression and anxiety haven't returned.
I would recommend individual counseling to anybody. It really helped me heal and do better for myself.
We didn't go and it will always be a "what if" question for me...that being said, looking back, we should have never gotten married in the first place so it isn't something that I think about too much. Only when I hear others debating about going.
My sister and her DH are going through counseling right now. It isnt working, but, I don't think its bc of the counselor. Neither one are willing to be 100% honest and follow bits and pieces of the counselots advice. Its hurting more than helping IMHO. If you go, you owe it to yourself to be open and honest.
GL!
I went to counseling before we were even engaged to get help with some of the problems we were having. I got engaged while I was still in counseling for the problems, and then stopped going to counseling. Hello Giant Red Flag!
Anyway - I tried several times to get XH to go to counseling with me. I went once for about 6 mos about halfways into our (3 year) marriage. XH went with me a couple times to that counseler, but then stopped going, as did I since it wasn't helping.
Then in January 2010 I told him we had to go to a counselor as I wasn't sure I wanted to be in this marriage anymore. We went once a week for 3 or so months. Going to that counselor helped me see that a) I did in fact want to end the marriage and b) my XH was going to be okay (as in not harm himself, which I was worried about since he suffers from serious bouts of depression) if I left.
So yes, counseling did help, but not to "save" the marriage since I realized that's not what I wanted to do. But I agree with others that counseling (particularly individual counseling) is pretty much never a bad idea.
I will add that I'm in couseling now (with a different counselor from any of the other times I went). I wanted to get into counseling since I was in a relationship that was progressing and I wanted to make sure I didn't make the same mistakes I had in the past. I probably should have gotten into counseling earlier (or stayed in it when I decided I wanted a divorce), but at the time I felt strong and confident in my decision and actions. I love my counselor now though, and feel like I'm finally in a healthy place and a healthy relationship.
(sorry for the Wall O' Text - I guess I'm feeling super wordy today.)
we went to a couple different counselors. It didnt help though - not really - I think it helped for a very brief period of time, because we both felt good that we were doing something to help our marriage. Look at us go.
in 1 case, he simply refused to go with me. Couples counseling works better when there are a couple people in the room.
in the case of the second counselor, I realized I wasn't being honest with her. I mean, we worked through some very shallow problems but I couldnt tell her that he was beating me up so really, what good could counseling do if I was covering for him?
this is pretty much my situation, word for word.