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Lost that lovin feelin....can it be brought back?
With much history behind this issue and many stimuli that may or may not have contributed to it...DH and I are basically friends (no benefits) or better yet, roommates...and that's when I am not staying at my Mom's. I was hoping that with some explanation I could get some advice or maybe even someone who has been here before and either got through it and now has a strong marriage or got out of it...and then what?
Some background: We married in 10/09 (after being together for 3 years and living together for 2). Yet, even before taking our vows our sex life became dull. It didn't come naturally or even desirably on my part, it was a chore for me, even on our honeymoon! It really never got better, but was manageable. I loved getting my period or being sick because it was an excuse to get out of it. I convinced myself it was due to stresses from the wedding and then the whole post-wedding blues, which I had really bad.
DH and I have experienced many trials in our first two years of marriage that most average couples would endure in ten years. I lost my Grandma 3 months after the wedding,and unexpectedly lost my Dad 3 months after that and then miscarried about a year after that. Needless to say, the stress never ceased and I have learned that I do not handle loss very well, and push him away more every time.
We did the marriage counseling thing, but then split just before our one year anni. and reunited about four months later. The passion or intimacy never really returned. I was back in that mentality that I HAD to do it as his wife, so I did. There were rare occasions and moments that would spark for me, but again, rare and it was usually after a few glasses of wine. But it just got progressively worse. I can honestly say we have not even so much as kissed since Labor Day weekend. I have recently been staying at my Mom's house. He wants it to work so bad. I am too scared to leave again, and hurt him, but at the same time I cannot seem to find that passion or intimacy for him anymore. I think it's so far gone that it's almost impossible to reignite. I am lost.
Do I give up on us and realize we could be happier in the future without each other? Or is it possible that the feelings could just come back? And believe me I've tried so much....I even forced myself to have sex with him toward the end and felt disgusted after. This is not normal. Not even my therapist has been able to get to the root yet. Anyone? Anything?
Re: Lost that lovin feelin....can it be brought back?
did you ever have that lovin feeling, ever?
have you tried dancing seductively to the righteous brothers song of the same name while he sits in a chair?
that used to be a really big hit at high school pep rallys. all kinds of inappropriate under those circumstances, in retrospect.
i think it's gone, gone, gone. whoa whoa whoa.
Not normal.
The fact that this has been going on for so long leads me to believe you just don't want to be with him. You say you don't want to hurt him, but pretending to want him is just cruel in the long run.
Also, just because you're his wife doesn't mean you HAVE to do anything you don't want to do. And having a baby will not solve your problems and bring you closer together. At all.
we all fall down sometimes
brass and ballet flats
I guess in retrospect...it was never love. It was infatuation and a constant chase. Our early years of being together thrived on fights and intense passion....if we weren't fighting we were making up. Then after we broke up for a few months and got back together (about a year before marrying), we found maturity and apparently being mature together just doesn't work for us?
Lol, I have not tried the seductive dancing to the song I referenced. And sadly, at this point, I couldn't see myself doing that....to him
I think you're right it's gone gone gone. But now I need to learn to accept it and make the decision for us to part ways...again. I just hate to hurt him and I also love his family and hate to lose them as well. Ugh.
Thank you for your insight and for making me laugh.
Repulsed is intense. But unfortunately if the shoe fits...
I guess I continue to try and force it because I hate to let people down and do care about him, after spending so much time together, so I hate to hurt him. But I'm sure this situation is hurting him just as bad. It's difficult to accept the truth and move on, when I know we had it before. It just wasn't honest before, it was infatuation. But I live in the past.
Thank you for the response. You're right we both deserve happiness which will only be found in other people at this point. It's just getting there.
i know it's way past a nest cliche but may i suggest individual counseling for you? it sounds like you have a fundamental drive to people-please, that overrides your ability to seek out relationships that are fulfilling to you. i think a counselor might be able to help you work through and move past that. maybe?
i wish you luck!
Yep, I'm currently in individual therapy now. Have been for a few months. I guess I was just reaching out to others looking for similar situations and how to deal. How to move on? Or how to fix it? But it's funny you say that about me because yes, it is an issue I am working on lol. Hopefully I will get to the root of it!
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Unfortunately it's just him
I haven't strayed nor would I until we were divorced, but I have been physically attracted to others and thought to myself I could be with them....in any physical way not even just sex (affection-wise), I wish it could be like that with my own husband.
To me, it sounds more like you are depressed overall and probably have been for a long time. You went through a lot over the past few years, and it even sounds like this depression hit you right after the wedding ('post-wedding blues").
I'm not playing down your feelings toward your H, but maybe this is less about him and more about you.
Sounds to me as if the relationship was toast long before you said "I do".
I have experienced those feelings of revulsion. I would date a guy for a while, but wouldn't be sure it was really working. During that time of doubt, I just wouldn't want to have sex with them. I literally wanted to push their heads or hands away. That was when I knew that it was time to leave.
Your husband wants to save an idea "marriage" not your actual marriage.
I'm a little spammer short and stout.