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DH & 2nd Jobs
Does anyone else's DH work a second job....or do YOU work a second job? DH started working at the Apple Store back in November part time...he enjoys it there b/c he's a huge Apple geek, but they've consistently had him scheduled about 5 days a week...and he always works on the weekends. He seems to think that b/c he works 2 jobs, that means I should do ALL of the housework and that he can tick off a "honey do" list for me when he works.
On Sunday we got into an argument b/c he started telling me things to do...laundry, clean up the dog poop in the yard, clean up the bedroom...I'm PMSing and I just got SO annoyed. Top it off with the dog wanting to go out and he flat out refused to do it b/c he had to go into work in a few hours and he wanted to "relax." I basically told him to not come home after work (I didn't mean it, but I was angry and PMSing...baaaad combo). He texted me later and said he was sorry. But I'm wondering if anyone else's DH acts like this with working 2 jobs. I mean, I don't expect him to do it all, but I'm also not his happy little housewife and I'll be damned if I let him tell me what to do every day while he's at work! Am I being unfair?
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Re: DH & 2nd Jobs
Tuesday - Friday I worked from 9AM-6PM at my full time job and an additional 20 hours at my part time job. This was my schedule from July- Oct of '09 right before I was laid off from my full time job.
To be honest, I was all fired up since my husband only had a Full time job, I begged him to also go get a 2nd job and he would not.
So I made him cook, clean, wash and when I got home I need my food ready served on the table. However, on my days/ or only hours off I did helped around the house.
I do admit that working at a dept store and being on your feet does kill you. Your joints hurt like crazy.
Here are some of the things I did to help out:
DH will do all the laundry and put the dry clothes on the sofa. After dinner I will sit on the sofa while watching TV and fold all of the clothes.
I would clean up the kitchen every night.
Check the mail every day and sort it.
Wipe down the bathroom every other day. On my day off I would clean it deeply.
Wipe down the bedroom furniture once a week and vacuum twice a week.
Hope this will help you.
TBH, I think it depends on why he has the 2nd job. If it's kind of fun for him, and it wasn't a "you have to get a 2nd job so we can pay our bills" situation, then I'm far less inclined to let him get away with putting more of the household stuff on you. But, if it is out of necessity and he works far more hours than you, I think it's fair for you to pick up some of the slack. That being said, my DH would never in a million years get away with telling me what chores I "have" to do! If DH has had a hard day or whatever and asks me to do something that normally he would do (or vice versa), I'm usually willing to do it - but not if I'm ordered like a servant girl!
My DH worked two jobs right up until December. He had been working at Target full time, but when he got his full time IT job he stayed on weekends at Target. It was not fun, but since I was working overtime a lot of Saturdays it was ok for a while. Then it just got old!
But one of the biggest issues for us is our different views of what a day off should entail. To me, day off means get stuff done around the house in the morning so you can relax the rest of the day. To DH he thinks a day off should mean you can relax and do whatever you want the whole day. We came to a compromise, and split up the "chores" ahead of time (And being the list maker that I am I make us both lists, because otherwise he forgets EVERTHING!) It works for us, but there is still always a debate over "day off". So I feel your pain! Is there any way you guys could agree ahead of time who will do what? That way there isn't any disagreements on the day when he goes to work?
Also I agree with Rachel, if he is doing this job because he wants to vs. out of necessity than that would change the way I feel about it too. Is there any way he could be less available and only work 3 days or so during the week?
DH & I at the Light Festival
O boy, these men have NO clue. To answer your first question, neither of us work 2nd jobs, but I do calligraphy work on the side, which can get very busy at times. DH used to bartend when we were dating, and I wish we still had that cash coming in, but he just can't do those late hours anymore.
But, I can't stand it that I still do ALL of the cooking, cleaning and housework. He helps out, but only if I ask (demand). Ridiculous. That's not helping then, is it?
On a nice weekend, he'll see me knee-deep in housework and be like "Hey, let's go out for a walk at the beach!" Um yeah I'd love to do that. But I have to put away the laundry, I have something in the oven, and I still have to vaccuum. Actually, his New Year's resolution was to help me vaccuum on Saturdays. But (I know this sounds anal) I have a system, and if his vaccuuming holds me up from the rest of my stuff (like I have to dust before and then wet mop after, and then take the vaccuum upstairs) then it's NO help at all. Do it when I tell you, not when you feel like it. Lo and behold, I have done all the vaccuuming in 2012.
Ok, sorry I totally vented there...but I hope you see you are not alone. It actually scares me to think that one day we'll have a baby around and he better start helping. He has good intentions, but he doesn't actually DO it.
UGHHH
I think we all need WIVES like us, not husbands
Jeff does it with one job! Haha! No, he would never tell me what "needs" done...especially now, but he doesn't help at all with any cleaning besides the living room downstairs (his mancave). He doesn't cook at all either unless it is grilling. He will let me know, also, that he has "no clean jeans" or something like that, which really annoys me. He doesn't even know how to use our front-load washer...and we have had it for over a year!
During the summer he does do all of the mowing and things that are outside (besides the pretties...like flowers), but that is more because I tried using his new mower once (a John Deere zero-turn rider), and I about killed myself! Haha! I completely understand your frustrations, though. On Saturday I had SO much cleaning to do, and he was basically playing a video game the whole time I was doing it. I wanted to kick him in the arse REALLY bad!!! At the same time, he doesn't do things the way I like them, so it is kind of a lose/lose situation for him.
I know once I am at home with the baby, I will have a lot more household responsibility and will expect myself to keep the house looking nice a lot more than I do now...
It's a little of both...he got the pt job so we could get CC debt paid down faster...but he also enjoys working there (he's had other pt jobs where he bitched about it alllll the time....he doesn't do that now). It's not having more of the HH stuff put on me....I do a lot of it anyways, but what doesn't sit right with me (and why we argued) was that he feels like he can tell me what I need to be doing. I think some of that is learned (his parents have a VERY 1950's relationship....FIL doesn't lift a figure to help around the house), but DH hates that his dad is like that.
And yes, DH is going to reduce his hours....he'll be off every Monday and every other Sunday....so some weeks he'll work 4 days, other weeks 3 days.
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Neither of us work a second job. DH is really good at helping with chores but I usually need to tell him what needs to be done/write a list. When we had different schedules I told him that's it's not so hard to stick in a load of laundry and then leave it and come back an hour later! I think they are dumb when it comes to how much non-work it actually takes!
My sister on the other hand does EVERYTHING. My BIL will not lift a finger to wash the dishes, vacuum, or do the laundry. It's sad to see and I wish she would say something!
My advice to you...it's not the 50's, so say something! He's clueless otherwise.
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We don't have official 2nd jobs, but we do freelance work I plan weddings he does graphic design. We do have set chores that are ours that sort of fell into place. We each do our own laundry. He's a toss it all in kind of guy (or so it seems) and I'm a separate loads HOT (for jammies and undies), reds, blue/blacks, whites type of washer. I cook nearly every night, I'd say 95% of the time. However whomever does NOT cook does the dishes. Usually we go food shopping together, he waits on the line for cold cuts and I speed through the rest of the store. Though sometimes its like shopping w/ a child he gets distracted lol. I make all of the lunches. He takes out the garbage and recycling (I can't lift the garage door). He's pretty in charge of the outside (mowing weeding all that). I usually clean the kitchen, dining room, living room. He takes care of the bedroom, study, and basement. We take turns doing the bathrooms. He usually does the showers/tubs I generally wipe down the sinks and we take turns w/ the commode. Also he's been known to dust randomly, and I'm normally the crazy one w/ the dust-buster hunting down dust bunnies. OMG they are all over the corners of my rooms its insane!
I don't know if this would change if one of us had an official second job but if one of us is busy at work and working late the other usually picks up the slack. If he's gotten home late or is doing freelance I'll wash the dishes w/out complaining too much unless it was a meal requiring LOTS of pans lol.
These are my sentiments - my DH had a hard time understanding why the house wasn't spotless when I was at home working for my photography business. Um...because I'm at home...WORKING. My response finally was, "Tell you what, you take the trash out and clean the bathrooms here while you're pulling wire there and I'll find a way to have six arms."
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Completely different scenario from when I worked my 2nd job at Victoria's Secret during the holidays for 5 years. I was single with extra time on my hands and some of those years I lived at home. Mike & I had just started dating when I was there in '07 and I told him it was only temporary (it took up a LOT of my time - Tuesday & Friday nights after work, Saturday nights & all day Sundays plus some Sunday night staff meetings).
I wouldn't want to be bossed around either, but I'd probably be automatically inclined to tidy up the house and stuff while he's gone just out of habit - or else I'd say "I'm one person who can only do so many things at a time!"
I'd also say "if this is taking such a toll on you then cut your hours at the job that's less needed." I don't tolerate things being taken out on me at all whatsoever, unless it's actually my fault.