Starting Over
joelen&louis
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Please help me be strong...
Let the emotional rollercoaster ride begin.
News of our divorce hit my MIL just days before she left for a 2 week vacation overseas. When I told her, I put everything out on the table.
She came back over the weekend and she finally called me to talk. She had enough time to process everything and was ready to share her thoughts. Essentially she asked me to reconsider. She made me feel guilty for not fighting for my marriage. She made me feel I had to take stbxh back in order to forgive him. She cried when she told me how hurt stbxh is and how he is so very vulnerable now. She went on to say that she has been in my exact shoes years ago when she divorced her husband and raised her 3 kids herself... and now looking back, she regrets not working things out with her husband. She didn't want me to make that same mistake. She told me being a single mother is hard and challenging. She shared some religious words on forgiveness and how I should do the same as the Lord has done for us. After all that, I need to stay strong.
I told her that I do not love stbxh anymore. I told her I have forgiven stbxh for his shortcomings and I want to move forward in peace - with him and within myself. I told her forgiving stbxh doesn't mean I need to take him back as my husband. I told her I would rather go through the hardship and challenges as a single mother to my son than to endure another day as stbxh's wife. I told here there is nothing stbxh can do to change my decision.
After we hung up amicably, some doubts set in. Should I give this another try yet again? When do I draw the line? Should I ever draw the line? I took a vow - am I failing my end of the bargain by divorcing? Am I perpetuating the cycle because stbxh grew up without a consistent father figure/role model and now by divorcing, am I doing the same for my son and setting him to fail as a future husband/father? Am I throwing in the towel too early and just giving in? Are my deal breakers really valid?
For now, I'm digging my heels in the ground because I cannot second guess myself. If a friend or family member were in my shoes, I would advise them to move forward and not look back. Please help me be strong.
News of our divorce hit my MIL just days before she left for a 2 week vacation overseas. When I told her, I put everything out on the table.
She came back over the weekend and she finally called me to talk. She had enough time to process everything and was ready to share her thoughts. Essentially she asked me to reconsider. She made me feel guilty for not fighting for my marriage. She made me feel I had to take stbxh back in order to forgive him. She cried when she told me how hurt stbxh is and how he is so very vulnerable now. She went on to say that she has been in my exact shoes years ago when she divorced her husband and raised her 3 kids herself... and now looking back, she regrets not working things out with her husband. She didn't want me to make that same mistake. She told me being a single mother is hard and challenging. She shared some religious words on forgiveness and how I should do the same as the Lord has done for us. After all that, I need to stay strong.
I told her that I do not love stbxh anymore. I told her I have forgiven stbxh for his shortcomings and I want to move forward in peace - with him and within myself. I told her forgiving stbxh doesn't mean I need to take him back as my husband. I told her I would rather go through the hardship and challenges as a single mother to my son than to endure another day as stbxh's wife. I told here there is nothing stbxh can do to change my decision.
After we hung up amicably, some doubts set in. Should I give this another try yet again? When do I draw the line? Should I ever draw the line? I took a vow - am I failing my end of the bargain by divorcing? Am I perpetuating the cycle because stbxh grew up without a consistent father figure/role model and now by divorcing, am I doing the same for my son and setting him to fail as a future husband/father? Am I throwing in the towel too early and just giving in? Are my deal breakers really valid?
For now, I'm digging my heels in the ground because I cannot second guess myself. If a friend or family member were in my shoes, I would advise them to move forward and not look back. Please help me be strong.
Re: Please help me be strong...
This is such a hard journey. My feeling is that if you, inside yourself, without talking to anyone else or taking anyone else's thoughts/feelings/emotions into account, feel that the right thing to do is to end your marriage, that is what you have to do. Of course your MIL is going to fight for her son. However, she is not the one making the decision...you are.
I really think that talking to a counselor would be of great benefit to you. Even though I have only gone once so far, talking to my therapist really made me see that what I want to do is not a bad thing because it is the right thing for me. Although I have not yet acted on this, I do know that when I come out the other side of this whole thing, I will be making the right decision for me. She also helped me see that I don't have to figure out everything right now because the right timeline for me is however long it takes.
You are in my thoughts.
Oh hon, I feel for you. I'm feeling all of those same things right now. But I think your last paragraph is the most important.
And I think leaving your h is a bettter example for your son- staying would only teach him that it's ok to treat people the way your h treats you (I don't know the whole back story, but you obviously weren't happy).
Are you in counseling? I can't recommend it enough.
We all have doubts. You know what is best for you. Your MIL saying she wishes she would have not divorced is easy to say. But she does not know what would have happened if she would have done differently. It may have been worse. Who knows.
We make the decisions we need to with the information we have at the time of the decision, not based on what if's. Be strong for yourself in what ever you decide to do.
Stay strong even though you have so many doubts after talking with her. My XMIL asked me to lunch several weeks after I had moved out. She all but got down on her knees trying to convince me to go home to XH and give it another try. Outwardly, my XH and I had the "ideal" marriage and it was a shock to friends and family that divorce was on the table for us.
She also told me of when XH and his brother were young and she considered leaving my XFIL at one time, but decided to stay and make it work and they've now been married about 35 years and how happy she was that she stayed.
Like PP said, only you know what it's like to live in your situation and only you can decide if it's something you can work through or not.
We didn't have children and I cannot imagine how big of a factor that would have been in making my decision to leave. I love my XH and we have a great relationship still, but we just weren't right for each other as husband and wife.
Yet again? how many chances have you given this guy? How is it going to be ANY different this time? He's not magically going to change. I suggest you just move on. If it was possible to work it out it would have happened by now.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I agree with this. OP, my situation seems similar to yours, though we didn't have kids. H would just make comments about my appearance and my weight that just made me feel terrible. The first "come to Jesus" talk I had with him was only six months after the wedding, and I was in tears when I told him that this behavior couldn't continue, and that I didn't want to be in a relationship like this for the rest of my life. Two years and several more ctJ meetings later, I had lost all of my trust in him and his promises to change. No matter what happens now or what he does, I know in my heart that I can never trust him not to hurt me again.
It is absolutely ok to establish your own boundaries and stick to them. You are the only one who knows how much *** you can take from a person before you decide enough is enough. His hurt feelings and his regrets are his problem.
I hope you are able to move forward and find happiness soon. You and your son deserve it.