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MIL, FIL and SIL want to drop the "in-law..." Help!
So my future, soon to be Mother-in-Law, Father-in-law, and Sister-in-Law all keep wanting to refer to themselves as my mom, dad, and sister. They said that they want me to see them as mom, dad, and sister, and not in-laws at all. I think it's really sweet, and so warm of them, but I'm just not comfortable with it. Technically, they are in-laws, and that distinction is important to me... especially since they play fast and loose with boundaries. There are a lot of "expectations" that go with being part of their family.
I've had my own family for over 30 years, and familial love is very special. We've worked hard to get the closeness we have, and it's been a journey of give and take with space and boundaries, and we've achieved a nice balance.This new group of people is going to become my family too, and I'll love them, but it's going to take some time to build up that same natural comfort with one another.
And then there's the "mom" and "dad" labels. I don't plan on calling the future in-laws "mom and dad", since again, I'm just not comfortable with it, and also, it's not 1952. I'm in my 30's, I have a mother, and I'm close to her. She's my mom, and my fiance's mom is my future mother-IN-LAW, not my mom. (Also, I've known my future in-laws for nearly 5 years, and I've always called them by their first names.)
They all keep trying to push the point, and frankly, it's starting to feel a little suffocating. How can I gracefully shut this down, so they can give me the time and space to get the "insta-closeness" that they seem to be craving? Has anyone else had to deal with this??
And has anyone else had to have a conversation with their future MIL about not using the word "mom" to refer to her?
Re: MIL, FIL and SIL want to drop the "in-law..." Help!
Well, I think you need to get your DH on board w/ you and he needs to help navigate his family. I think he needs to tell them "We can't force closeness. It will happen ovfer time, if it happens at all".
You, though, can be gently firm and say "I really appreciate that you want me to call you mom and dad, but I'm not comfortable doing so. Is there a compromise that we're all happy with?".
ETA: I also think the message from your DH needs to be about respect - they need to RESPECT that you aren'g going to be super close to them overnight, and if they want you to become close - it HAS to start w/ respect.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
The only thing I can think of is coming up with some sort of cutesy designation for the MIL/FIL: Ma J, Dad B (using their last initial) and calling the SIL by her first name.
Pomegranate Margarita
Funny, I had a friend (female) who's mother I called "mom," Almost everyone did, she was the neighborhood mother figure.
However, I think if I called my ILS "mom" and "dad" my parents would be crushed! I think that's a lot to ask of anyone, especially since your own parents are still alive.
"I love you and of course you are family, but I don't feel comfortable calling you 'mom,' 'dad,' and 'sister.'"
I would say something like, "It means SO much to me that you are kindly treating me as one of the family, but I'm just not quite sure I can use Mom and Dad for both you and my own parents. Can I call you XYZ instead?" (Ma, Mother Smith, Mama Janet, whatever)
Also, MH and I never really refer to each others' parents directly by name. I just say hi to my FIL, and if I'm talking about him to someone else I'll say, "We had my FIL/FirstName/Husband's Dad over for dinner last night." Even MH and I dont really address each other by name or pet name unless we are really trying to get each others attention. IDK what my parents called their in laws before us kids were born, but they always call them Grandma/Nanny around us.
So i personally wouldn't worry about this all that much, unless you always call them by name when you talk to them.
This is what I did and it worked well. I also like the idea of a "different" name for them. My dad's mom used to call my mom "daughter in love." I think it is corny but cute. In my situation, my in-laws have accepted that I am more comfortable with first names. I do let little things go though like sometimes they will sign a card to me "mom and dad."
All the other folks said what I would. I guess I'd probably shut it down entirely though, no lingering hope for them of you calling them "mom" or "dad" if you're really not ok with it. No "maybe down the road I'll feel differently" because they'll keep at it. If you know now that you don't want to call them that, it is only fair to tell them that directly.
I can't imagine that anyone would be able to argue with you if you tell them something like "I am so very flattered and honored that you feel comfortable enough with me that you'd like me to call you Mom and Dad. The problem is that I just don't feel right using those terms for people other than my own parents. I greatly appreciate the gesture but I'd feel most comfortable continuing to call you by your first names."
This is what I'd use. It also lets them know that you don't want to call them "mom and dad" because you don't like them, but it's just you already have a mom & dad.
Also, I just had a weird vision of them introducing you as their daughter (w/o the "in law" distinction), and your husband as their son to random strangers, so they'd think you were siblings, and then to all of a sudden see you kiss or something. I'm sure that would be a fun and totally non-awkward situation...
The in-law moniker rarely comes up. How many times will you refer to your sister-in-law as your sister, anyway? What, at an introduction? How many times do you introduce someone as your sister and can't you just say "DH's sister"? How offensive is that?
You can easily call them by their first name and do an occassional "Hi, mom. Hi, dad" to be friendly/sweet. I can't imagine needing to call someone a sister. So just hold your ground when you use first names, do an occasional mom/dad if you feel like. Or not.
I think this "name issue" has more to do with the boundaries you feel they break than these titles and exact words. Don't waste energy on the words, focus on where they are breaking the boundaries you have set on important matters.
I disagree with most of the other posters.
I actually don't see why this is a big deal. Do you think calling someone else "mom" replaces your own mother? If I call someone Bill, and his name is Dave, does that make him Bill? Of course not. And to put it in another perspective, you and your DH are a unit now, so both sets of parents are "mom" and "dad" to the unit. I just don't get why something so easy to do is so hard for many people. If your ILs don't care what you call them, then pick whatever you like. But if it would mean a lot to your ILs to have you call them mom or dad, why not?
I call my MIL and FIL "mom" and "dad." I do so because it meant a lot to my MIL. Sure, it doesn't come naturally, but it also doesn't feel in any way like I'm replacing my mother. My dad died a few years ago, so one would think I'd feel sad about calling FIL dad, but I don't. And DH in turn calls my mom "mom" which also seems to mean a lot to my mom.
If you really really need a distinction, see if a compromise would work. I'd suggest Mom + first name, Dad + first name etc. See if that works for them. But, I guess the overall picture is whether a slight measure of discomfort for you is worth the hurt feelings and rejection this may make your ILs feel? If there are other boundary issues, then you need to address those issues individually, not lump them together with something as insignificant as this.
I agree with this.
What's the big deal? It's not like calling your inlaws "mom & dad" somehow replaces your parents. It was a natural change when we got married, that we called each other's parents "mom & dad" and it's meant so much to everyone that we do.
If it makes you feel uncomfortable, then i agree to maybe find a compromise and call them "mom firstname" & "dad firstname". but really, i'd look into yourself and see what your issue is. if you aren't comfortable, maybe there's a deeper reason. marrying someone is also accepting their family such as they are. if you can't do that, maybe you'd rather find someone who you can. just my $0.02.
GL
Its beyond a "slight discomfort" for me. Those titles actually mean something. I have one mom. I am close with my step mom as well but I do not call her mom or step mom. I call her by her first name. The title "mom" belongs to one person only for me. Its a title that is earned and has a very special meaning. Same with "dad."
Thats fine that some of you do not think of it that way and see it the same as "bill" or "dan." But just realize that some of us have a very different view of those titles.
And I'm rolling my eyes over here that because some of us aren't comfortable with "mom" or "dad" for inlaws means we aren't comfortable with their families or don't accept them. Give me a break. Accepting people for who they are doesn't mean you have to do what ever they want you to do. Luckily, my inlaws actually realize that everyone has different comfort levels and opinions on these things. They are fine with me calling them by their first names.
Hi All!!
Thanks everyone for chiming in!!
Yes-- I like this too-- "I am so very flattered and honored that you feel comfortable enough with me that you'd like me to call you Mom and Dad. The problem is that I just don't feel right using those terms for people other than my own parents. I greatly appreciate the gesture but I'd feel most comfortable continuing to call you by your first names."
This skirts the "in-law" issue a bit, but I had the discussion with my FH, (thank you for the advice!!), and he may say something to them about not pushing the closeness, that it will come in time. He totally understands and agrees-- we're both deeply genuine and feeling people who don't feel comfortable with surface gestures. I'm sure in time my "sister-in-law" may feel like a sister to me, the same way that several of my close friends feel like sisters to me, but that takes time and relationship building.
(And I LOVE the introduction scenario-- that's hilarious. I've actually seen her do it with her son-in-law, and it IS confusing and a little weird!!)
For those who don't understand necessarily how I feel, it's half personal choice, half situational, and this is what will be best for the health of the family dynamic. "If" the situation were a little different, I might feel differently, but it is what it is.
Thanks again everyone!!!