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Out of Town Wedding Issue
One of my best friend's is getting married on September 7th. She was a BM in my wedding, and she's made hints at me being in hers, but hasn't asked outright. She knows I'm due 7/28. She's getting married on the coast of Oregon. We would have to fly 7-8 hours including a layover to Portland, rent a car, drive 3 hours. All with a 18 month old and a newborn. We'll also have to contend with the kids and a 3 hour time change.
A) It would cost us well over $2000. We just cannot afford that right now. We're still paying on a lot of Kennedy's medical bills, and will likely be moving later this year.
That's REALLY unrealistic for someone who just had a baby. The first few weeks were so stressful after Kennedy was born and I have a lot of guilt over that, and I'm really hoping for some calm and special family time after baby #2. Flying across the country with two kids, while adjusting to being a family of four does NOT sound relaxing.
I keep trying to tell her, and she's not getting it. She asked me tonight if I'd be at her bridal shower in PA in 2 weeks. I told her we just can't afford it. (She did not come to any of my pre-wedding events so she really can't throw that in my face.) She told me she understood as long as we were all at the wedding. I've been trying to tell her it's not feasible, and she's just not getting it. Sad to say, I think this is going to be the end of our friendship.
Am I being unreasonable? (Sorry this got so long!)
Kennedy Aleise 2/19/11
Life As We Know It
Re: Out of Town Wedding Issue
You are not being unreasonable at all!
People without kids don't truly understand how difficult it is to travel with babies/toddlers. They also don't realize how your budget changes after having kids. That is a LONG way to travel and spending that kind of money on something that will not be relaxing for you - don't do it.
Your family is first and if she doesnt understand that, she's not a good friend.
Totally not unreasonable! We have an oot wedding happening about five weeks after DS #2 is born and we will not be attending. It's a five hour car drive and just too much with a 2yr old and five week old. I can't imagine getting on a plane and making that journey! If you really do want to go, is there a way that you could go by yourself and leave the kids with your husband? Obviously this won't work if your breastfeeding, and I totally get not wanting leave your new LO for so long. Just wondering if that could be an option (also much cheaper than flying everyone!). I think you need to sit down and have serious conversation with your friend. Because you can't make the wedding, is there any way just you could swing the shower and get some time in with your friend?
Any chance you could go by yourself? I know it's hard for a mama to be away from her very young baby, but it might be worth considering, assuming you actually want to go. And if you don't want to go, then you already have your answer, and the sooner you tell her, the better.
My silly Lily is almost 4.
I'll ditto SouthSeas, with a minor edit.
I think you should just level with her now and let the chips fall where they may. I'd say it nicely, but firmly. Don't be afraid to tell her that the fact that she is unwilling to understand your situation makes you feel unfairly pressured and judged and is not what you expected from someone you have such a long-standing friendship with.
When you say she isn't getting it, is it because you are hinting at it or have you told her straight out?
If it's the former, I would just say- look friend, I'm so sorry to miss this important event in your life but it's just not going to be possible for us to travel so soon after having baby #2 and financially it's also not feasible as well. I will be there in spirit but I just want you to know ahead of time that we won't be there and we are sorry.
If she still doesn't get it, she will when you send your RSVP back saying "no"
I hope your friendship doesn't end because of it, but if it does, then she wasn't a very good friend anyway I guess..
Originally, like before we knew about baby #2 I was telling her, I didn't know if it would be financially doable, so I hadn't come right out and told her. It was more like "prepare just in case we can't afford this with x,y,z expenses that have come up." But once I got pregnant and announced it I've come flat out and told her at least three times. She always follows it by "well maybe things will change" or "I'm sure you'll change your mind once the baby is here" and then in our next conversation she's talking about us coming still.