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Not really FM....but friend matters?
I was reading some of the responses about the ex-friend thread below, and it got me thinking.....
I have an ex-friend that was my childhood BFF (first grade on) and my one true BFF after high school and well into college and adulthood. We were friends for thirty years total. Had a falling out involving our husbands a few years ago, and we have not spoken since.
Do you think it is beneficial at all to "close" the relationship or just leave it where it sits? I feel like if I wrote a letter/email/some kind of message, I would WANT a response, and yet, I don't want a relationship with this person anymore. So is it better for me to just wait and wonder if we will ever speak again, or would you actually close the door on the relationship somehow?
DH and I have discussed it, as in, "Wonder what they are doing now.....wonder if they had more children.....etc." but neither one of us has felt any sort of urge to explore talking to them. I kind of feel like we have moved on (for the better) and if we aren't going to strike up any friendship, maybe we should just leave it alone?
Re: Not really FM....but friend matters?
i think it's always normal to wonder where people are and what they're doing especially after you were friends for so long.
but the friendship died for a reason. leave it dead. i'm not sure what you mean by 'closure' either. it was a friendship, it's been dead for years. what could you possibly need closure about? a hug goodbye? frankly-the door has been closed for years so i'm not sure what you're asking really....
If the friendship died b/c she didn't care for your husband (who, you will admit, has been a work in progress), I wouldn't hold it against her.
In RealSimple, there was an essay by a woman who decided to get over past hurts / grudges and let people who had done her wrong (in ways she now felt were silly) back into her life.
But in your case, you don't want this person back - so what do you gain by writing her? Getting the last word? You'll look like a tool.
Since you are clear that you don't want a relationship anymore, I would not contact this person.
If you weren't sure how you wanted it to unfold, I could see contacting her to put the ball in her court. Then if she were open to contact she could get back in touch with you. But if you are positive you want no ongoing communication, then what would be the point?
So you just want to keep tabs on this person, but not actually have a relationship with them?
What'll happen when you get in touch and they respond positively and want to strike up the friendship again, and you don't? It'd be a cruel thing to do and you might just wind up back on here asking how to "close" the relationship all over again.
Stirring up long-dead drama just to have the last word or keep tabs on someone isn't a very honorable thing to do. Do you care about them, but don't want to be friends? Just curious? Comparing your lives to theirs?
Let sleeping dogs lie.
To be fair, there is a word for this. It's called Facebook.
OP - realistically, the end of a friendship usually doesn't come w/ closure. I get the desire to want to know what's going on in their lives, but if you really dont' want to be friends w/ them again, then just leave it be.
I actually had the opportunity to kind of get closure w/ the friend I referenced above, and it was actually a big learning experience in the land of "closure". And the lesson was - it really doesn't exist.
When a friendship ends over a difference of opinion (in whatever form that comes in), there is always going to be a level of "we're going to have to agree to disagree". My "friend" - she kind of apologized for something she had said that really hurt me, but it was SOOO clear to me that when it really boiled down to it, she really didnt' "get it" as to why what she said was upsetting. Or even what specifically she said! It was a generic "I apologize for whatever I said that upset you".
If getting closure means you need something from the other person to feel o.k., then you're most likely not going to get it. T he only way I really see closure happening is if you're the one who was in the wrong and you see the error of your ways and you can genuinely contact that person and apologize.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ha! Point taken.
I was the one that posted about the ex friend. I agree that if you don't want any relationship with them not to contact them. With my ex friend I wasn't sure if I wanted a relationship with her or not. In this situation we are Facebook friends, so we could in theory keep tabs on each other. It is a double edge sword though because it reminds me of how we aren't "real" friends anymore.
ECB is right about the closure thing. I think it is nice to know why someone doesn't want to be their friend, but it is almost impossible to get that without them lying or it turning into a huge fight. And closure with a huge fight is just as bad as no closure. It is possible to turn a friend into an acquaintance if you want, but it is really difficult and probably impossible for you since it has been a few years already.
But it does suck to lose someone after so many years. I guess if you are curious on how they are doing ask mutual acquaintances.