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Impossible (and divorced!) Parents- HELP!!
I need some advice. I am getting married in Vegas in two months, March 27th. It is going to be an intimate, family-only ceremony followed by a couple days of fun in Vegas.
Here's the problem: my parents are divorced, hate each other, and are both extremely sensitive. I am trying to plan everything so that nobody feels uncomfortable or left out, but I feel like it is impossible to avoid, since everybody is already so tense about it! I decided to have a wedding in Vegas because it's cheap and that way, nobody will be stressed because of money (each parent is paying literally $600 now), that way everybody saves money and is happy. Right? Wrong. My dad decided to bring his girlfriend, who my sister refuses to meet. My mom is terrified of feeling awkward around the girlfriend and the new in-laws, and when she feels awkward, she gets mean. The in-laws have no idea that my family is crazy. It is impossible for my family to put away their issues, even when it's for my wedding.
Does anybody have any experience in a situation such as this? How do I make everybody happy? How do I divvy up my FH and I's time appropriately for each family member and still have fun the two of us? At the very least, how do I avoid letting all of this drama get to me on my wedding????
Re: Impossible (and divorced!) Parents- HELP!!
To start you do not make everybody happy. This is not your problem. It is your parent's.
I had a DW with only 11 people there, close family and a couple friends. My family is insane and my parents are divorced. Although they try to be civil, my father is extremely uncomfortable around my mom and stepdad. My mom cheated on my dad for years with my stepdad so there is a lot of animosity and hurt. One of my sisters is completely bonkers and her behavior is most often extremely inappropriate.
I warned my FILs about my family and so did my H so they were prepared if any madness ensued. They noticed it but they were prepared and so it wasn't as embarrassing as it could have been. I sat my parents as far as humanly possible away from each other at the dinner table. I tried my best to ignore any bad behavior and forgave my father when he couldn't finish the speech he started because he unfortunately glanced over at my stepdad and lost his way.
Try to schedule as little time with the group all together besides your wedding day and maybe the rehearsal. You can do breakfast with one group and then lunch with another and do the same with other activities. Since your inlaws are neutral, you can invite them along with whichever parent you think would work best with them and go with just your H to the other parent.
All you can do is ask your parents to be respectful of you and try their hardest to be polite. I couldn't escape the drama completely but I could choose to ignore certain behaviors and people on the day of my wedding and enjoy the special time with my H. It was amazing and certain times I felt as if we were completely alone. Not to say there weren't awkward moments (especially the dinner) but we enjoyed ourselves none the less and you can choose to do the same.
I agree- it's not your job to make everyone happy. It's clearly impossible to do anyhow.
We had an issue w/ my aunt around my wedding, and my step-mother basically put her in her place, and I suggest you say something along the same lines to each of the people you're concerned about.
I would say to each of them "This is my wedding and I want it to be a happy event and quite honestly, I want it to be about me and FI. Not you, not __, not the drama that goes on. I want you to be there, but I expect everyone to act like adults and to not create drama. If you can't do this, then it might be best if you don't come. Clearly, I don't want that. But I also don't want my wedding ruined. I'm not taking responsibility for this - it's on you and I really hope you'll respect me and respect what this event is supposed to be about."
At some point, you have to stop tip-toeing around grown adults!! You never know, if you're upfront w/ them- it might shock them a little and make them realize how stupid their behavior is.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I basically agree with everything said thus far. These people are adults and you are not, and should not be, responsible for their behavior. When talking to each of them leading up to the wedding, make it known that the other party will be there so they aren't caught off guard, but make it clear that you would appreciate if they put their differences aside for one day.
I think having brunch with one group and dinner with the other is a good idea, if you have time for it. If not, don't plan your day around them. They are adults and they can sit on opposite sides of the room if they can't handle adult situations. If you have another neutral sibling or friends who know your family well, it might be helpful to ask them to step in to steer conversations in non-confrontational directions or try to keep the two sides physically separated.
When your big day comes, just don't worry about it. You can't control their behavior, so just focus on your FI and everything YOU want out of the day and leave them to worry about themselves! I'm sorry you have to deal with this at all. I had a little family drama leading up to my wedding too, but I did what I could beforehand, and just didn't give it a moment of my time on my wedding day.
Stop trying to play peacemaker between everyone. That isn't your job, whether it's your wedding or just a regular day.
If your parents/family cannot act like adults, then that is not. your. problem. Repeat that to yourself - NOT MY PROBLEM. You are not their parent and they are not babies. They are adults, and therefore they are responsible for themselves. It is not your responsibility to placate them like a bunch of crying infants. They can either be nice or not participate.
So, here's what you do: set your schedule of events how you see fit, and tell them, "We are doing XYZ at [time]. You are welcome to attend if you wish." If they start with the complaints, or "I'M not going if (s)he will be there!" then just cut them off and say in a calm, low voice, "I am not going to do this. We've set our schedule. You are welcome to come along, but if you feel like it's too stressful to be there then we'll understand if you would rather decline." End of story. Don't continue the conversation - walk away if you have to.
It's not rude, mean or selfish of you to treat them this way. You are the hostess, and as long as everyone's being reasonably accommodated then it's BEYOND rude of them to try and make you change your plans. Set your plans, give them the need-to-know info, and then walk away. They can attend and keep their mouths shut and enjoy themselves, or they can stay in their rooms and pout. Their choice. Your responsibilty is to give them the info and then you are DONE. If they show up and start causing a scene, you quietly ask the site manager or maitre d' or security guard to escort them out without a fuss, and then you go about your business as usual.
Sorry you have to deal with this. But you will make it a million times harder on yourself if you try to please everyone else, especially who just want to complain and be difficult. Make your plans, take their requests into concern (within reason), but ultimately their choice is to be nice or not show up. Remember that this is THEIR choice - be nice, not attend at all, or attend and then act like a d0uche and then get thrown out. They can choose to be mature or they can choose to be difficult.
STOP TRYING TO MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY!!! you can't.
everyone will just have to suck it up and get along if they want to attend. and having a wedding there is no different if you had it at home-you'd have the same issues. they're adults-they can act like it for a few days and put their differences adn personal issues aside for their daughters wedding. if they cannot they can't attend. simple as that.
What you do is pay for your own wedding. Invite whomever, and if they behave badly, or threaten to behave badly, you tell them to knock it off or leave. You are not responsible for their bad feelings, insecurities, or inability to put on a nice face for their daughter/sibling. Further,you don't need to worry about who feels uncomfortable or left out. Plan your nice day, expect decent behavior from everyone, and hopefully they won't let you down.
This was my situation to a tee for my wedding only I chose FL as my destination. We invited parents and siblings/SO's only. First off, you need to follow pp advice and stop worrying about others. There problems and issues are not your concern. If anyone behaves badly, they are asked to leave. You need to stop caring what your IL's will think if your parents behave badly. You can't change your parents and neither can your IL's.
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We planned 3 days of events where others were included. The day before, the day of and the day after. Everyone received a welcome package with an itinerary of our plans. Everyone was invited to any "group" type event for those 3 days and if anyone didnt want to show to something, it was no big deal, no hard feelings. I dont remember exact wording but the itinerary looked something like this:
Thursday 01.01.12
We will be down at the pool most of the day if you would like to join us!
6pm ~ Dinner at XYZ Restaurant: 123 Address St.
Friday 01.02.12
Wedding Day!
Saturday 01.03.12
Bloody Marys on the beach @ noon
We will spend the day relaxing on the beach
*You are welcome to join us for everything Thursday and Saturday but feel free to do your own thing if there is anything else you?d like to do!
We did not make any attempt to split up time amongst each family so each family had one on one time with us. You will drive yourself crazy if you attempt to do that so I wouldnt even make it an option. That's completely insane.
Stop caring what others think and plan your time/events according to what will make you and FI happy. This was my attitude and everything went smoothly. If anyone had a problem, they kept it to themselves because I never heard about it.
THIS IS YOUR WEDDING ... this is NOT about them.
"mom and dad - I love you both - and wanted to only have this conversation once - I hope to only have one wedding day in my life and I will not have it ruined by your childish behavior. This is my wedding and my special day and I hope that you both can get over your own issues and insecurities to make that happen for ME. I do not want to deal with drama, I don't want to deal with putting together a wedding that is about you. from here on out I will not be making decisions about MY wedding based on how it will make you both feel. Be happy for me"
My MIL got kind of crazy around the wedding and I was not wanting the stress and drama on the actual day. So I had my Aunt act as a "bodyguard" (her words, not mine). Aunt kept MIL away from me before the wedding, which is when I was most concerned MIL would be nutty. Afterwards we had MIL's favorite wine at the reception, which solved a lot of problems.
At two friend's weddings I have played the role of mom-manager to keep the MOB off the bride's case.
If you have a friend or family member who can run interference on the day of, I'd say give them a call. Other than that, I'd ask the family members to behave and if they don't just ignore the drama and have fun. Easier said then done - best wishes for your big day!
Thank you so much to everyone who has responded! I like the idea of just NOT giving everybody separate time, but instead giving them a list of things that we're going to do, and they can come or not come. Honestly, as long as everybody attends the wedding, I don't care who comes where. I'll be partying and in newly-married bliss. I'm realizing that the most I can really control is my reactions to their craziness.
Jeez, I wish some of you lived in Seattle! I could use some friends like this!
Tell them they have to be nice or don't have to attend. Don't beat wound the bush.
And tell your mom to get a Xanax perscription or take any other measures an MD tells her to think.