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Bringing the joy, leaving the funk. Long
Excuse me if this sounds jumbled or muddled, because my mind is in eighty million places right now.
So everyone knows I've been going through some heavy shitskies due to my mental illness and inappropriate behavior due to my mental illness. Well a little back story, I wasn't close with my parents for a very very long time. It took 27 years and a divorce later to become semi-close with my mother. My dad and I are close friends, but I never saw him as a father figure because he was a very emotionally/verbally abusive alcoholic for the first 14 years of my life and I finally forgave him when he almost died from alcohol withdrawl. *Sigh* I never told my parents about anything because I just never wanted them to worry about me. As part of my recovery, yesterday I decided to tell them every.single.thing.
I went to my mom and dad's house last night for a quick visit, just passing through kind of deal because I live about 35 miles from my parents and I was in the area. So we were just discussing some stuff and I broke down. I cried and told my mom and dad that I cut myself and had to go to the ER for stitches and an eval. She just stared at me and was like "Whaaaaaaatt?" I kept crying and saying that I didn't want to kill myself but it just stops my head from spinning. She asked if the therapists can pin point why I'm doing this to myself and I told her it was because of the abuse from my childhood, which brought me to the bigger picture of my brother molesting me. I told them. 20 years after the incident I told them and my mom just sat there with her mouth hanging open. My dad was making dinner, and dropped the knife he was using to cut the vegetables. It was like a record scratch moment.
So, I told them everything from me cutting, to the molestation, to the abuse my husband put me through. My mother told me that if I ever cut myself again, she will take me to Philadelphia and have me committed herself. She asked me to tell my BF to call her if I need anything. She also told me that she will help with everything and anything I need, financially/emotionally/etc. It's really nice to know that I have the support from my parents even though we haven't ever been close until this past year.
I feel so much better telling them. BF is a taoist, and he is having me read one tao every day and reflect on it. He wants me to think about it and try to relate it to my life in one way or another. If anything, it will be a mental distraction.
As of yesterday, I am done with the negative bullshitzle. I want to move forward so badly. I have therapy tomorrow and BF is going with me. I need to stop dwelling on things I can't change and things that fell behind me in the past. The past is the past for a reason. I can't do anything but move forward and I'm having a hard time doing that. But I know that I can do it.
I'm just so ready to leave this funk I'm in.
Re: Bringing the joy, leaving the funk. Long
I'm glad you got to talk to your parents and have their support. I hope this helps you in your recovery from everything.
Quite honestly though, I really don't like how your BF is pushing his beliefs on you, especially since you're vulnerable and seemingly impressionable. I can understand talking to you about his beliefs or positive thinking in general, but the fact that he's giving you homework to do and report back to him rubs me the wrong way. I said it before, you don't need a BF right now...
He is really just trying to help me stay positive because he has been through some similar abuse and he is very zen about it now. He just asked me to do it for a week, to mentally distract myself. I understand where you're coming from saying he is pushing his beliefs on me, but he really means well and I know he doesn't care if I am christian, taoist, buddhist, whatever. He just wants to help in any way he knows how, and he is trying to explain to me what helped him through some tough times.
I know everyone is saying I should be alone right now. It's really difficult for me to do this alone. He is my best friend and I need him in my life. We already discussed taking space, and we've been slowing everything down quite a bit. We do, however, live together so it is difficult, but we've been limiting our time together so I can be me again.
I'm so proud of you for opening up to your parents. That was an extremely brave thing for you do, especially after the utter hell you've been through in your life. The more people who love and support you right now, the easier your moving on with your life will be. It'll be a slow process, but you're making great strides in the direction you're moving. Keep your chin up...onward and upward!
Starting over and getting through abuse and a difficult marriage is not easy. No one said it would be. Co-dependency is not going to help you through things. Honestly you're setting yourself up to be alone and dealing with more issues down the line if you don't work them out on your own now. But it is your life; your decisions. Glad you're at least feeling good about them.
words by the Zac Brown Band...save your strength for things that you can change; forgive the ones you can't...You gotta let 'em go!!
It took a lot of courage for you to open up to your parents. I hope for your sake, that you don't cut anymore. My H is/was a cutter, along with subtance abuse, it's very difficult - I once had to take him to the emergency room for a gash he put into his arm from a night of cutting. Believe in yourself that you can get through all of this. Keep up with therapy and try to be positive!! Good luck.
I don't plan on it. I know it's easier said than done because it's a long habit I've had, but I plan on getting a full sleeve tattoo to cover my scars when they heal and I refuse to cut the artwork. My sleeve is going to be a collage of everything I love from cupcakes to unicorns and stupid silly stuff that makes me smile so my arm will be happiness. Thank you for the support