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RP from TIP: Could use some adivce (long, sorry!)
Yes, this is an AE. I am a long time lurker and just don't want my info out for the world to see. First of all, I know you ladies are amazingly strong and I am hoping I can get some advice so I can get there too.
Long story summed up, sort of (this, obviously isn't all the details, I am happy to answer questions about my situation if you have any):
We have been married almost 8 years, together for 13, we have two young kids.
For the past year plus, the husband has put his job as his priority. He works insanely long hours, sometimes doesn't come home, if he does come home it is well after the kids and I have gone to bed. I have tried to be supportive, I was letting him do his thing, thinking at some point, this was going to stop. I have (stupidly) believed him when he has told me this project is going to end by XX date, only to have that date pass and nothing has changed. I tried to work with him, asking him to be home at 7pm and he could have one night a week where he worked late (but not later than 10pm), which to me, isn't asking a lot.
Earlier in the year, he did some things that should have been a deal breaker (other women, etc.), but, again, I stupidly thought he would change. I do believe that part has ended, although, at times, I am not 100% sure.
We have separated 3 times. The longest lasting a month. We got back together because he told me he was going to stick to a new schedule so that he would be home to help with the kids, have dinner together, actually be a partner (he created this schedule because he claimed I was "giving him a curfew" when I asked him to be home by 7pm). This lasted for about 2 days. He knew keeping this schedule was going to be a deal breaker for me, so, deal broken.
I have seen a counselor on my own and set up an appointment for us to see one also. This was also a deal breaker for me, which he knew, but now claims he didn't. We can not have a conversation/discussion without it turning into a fight, so I thought a counselor could help with this. Appointment time came, he didn't show. I met with the counselor and he literally shook his head for the entire hour because he couldn't believe this situation. So deal part 2, broken.
He has distanced himself from me, his family and his friends. I know he is depressed, but he won't get help. He has missed out on so many family things, back to school nights, school Christmas shows, Christmas (we were separated and he had the opportunity to see the kids, but he chose not to) and my son's birthday dinner.
I work outside of the home, commute and have, essentially, been living as a single parent for the last year. I have no doubt I can do this on my own, I have an amazing support system and it is so much easier to do it without him. I am tired of being the only one who wants this marriage to work and I feel like I have tried everything I can do.
I have a consult with an attorney next week (husband doesn't know), but I was hoping maybe you guys could answer some questions for me in the meantime.
Right now we are living as roommates, he comes and goes as he pleases, I don't want him in the house anymore, how do I get him to leave? I have asked him and he says he is not leaving. Can I do anything besides leave myself?
I know that, sometimes, posession is 9/10ths of the law and I really really want to stay and keep my house. My neighbors are part of my support system and my kid's lives are there (school, sports, etc.). Any thoughts on this? Do I continue to live as we are?
Any other thoughts from anyone who has been through something similar?
Thank you so much!
Re: RP from TIP: Could use some adivce (long, sorry!)
Other women? And he's still "working" nonstop?
I'd bet ten bucks that half the time, he's not at work at all. Stick a fork in it.
That is why you get an attorney! Talk to the attorney and file for divorce. Part the process will include a requirement of who stays and who leaves. I would also mention to the attorney that you want safeguards that he can't just come and go as he pleases during the separation. Yes, your H could counter that you should leave, but if you are the primary caregiver, the court is not going to want to disrupt your children's lives.
Your H thinks that by doing nothing, he will be maintaining the status quo and nothing will change. Filing will show him that it doesn't work that way.
Edit: Also, he might not leave without papers being filed, b/c in some states that is "abandonment" and reason enough for you to get the house, or to get a divorce. Just another reason why you need a lawyer to help you with this.
This is exactly what I was thinking.
I'm not sure about how you can get him to leave. It sounds like you want to keep the house. Definitely talk to an attorney....you'll get guidance in this area on what to do and what not to do.
My situation wasn't similar to yours, but I know there are some ladies on this board who did have similar situations and I'm sure they will answer as the day goes on.
I did want to say that the only person who can definitively answer your questions is a lawyer (which it sounds like you may realize). My guess is there is something that can be done once things are in motion for a divorce so he can't just come and go as he pleases, as I'm sure that would not only be difficult and stressful for you, but also for your kids.
Other than that I don't have much advice, just that I sympathize and think you're doing the right thing for you and your family. Good luck.
I cannot answer questions about the legal issues as far as who should stay in the home, etc, but I can relate to your situation.
I would be willing to bet anything on the fact that your husband is having an affair. He's checked out of the marriage completely. Here you are trying EVERYTHING to save the relationship and he flat out does not care. There's a reason for that. I went through something similar and the counseling thing sounds eerily familiar. He came one time (and was late) and then refused to go after that. Do yourself a favor and don't try to save a marriage that you are the only person in.
If you've been living as a single mom already then you know you can do it. And you can! You deserve more and so do your children. Good luck!
I replied to you on TIP, but this is the part that is identical to my XH. "Working late" was just code for "boinking some chick".
Again, I'm sorry. I know how painful it is. Please retain an attorney as soon as humanly possible.
Thank you everyone, it sounds like I am doing the right thing by meeting with an attorney.
And I agree with all of you, there is a chance he is still having an affair, I am not blind to that. I have been checking his cell phone bill, credit cards and bank accounts, but haven't found anything (yet).
We have the same stories!
My StxB has going back into "work" after dinner until 2 or 3 am mainly nights (including weekends) for over a year. He also has a history of cheating (online dating profiles). Like you, I feel like I've been a single mom (with a commute to work too!) for a while
We're divorcing but living as roommates.
Your lawyer will have a separation agreement draw up that outlines who will live where. In our case, I'm moving out as I can't afford to keep the house alone.
Check out http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp
They have a board about how to gather evidence that your spouse is cheating to use in any divorce proceedings
Good luck
This sucks but you will come out of it with a better, peaceful life.