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Could use some advice (long, sorry!)
Yes, this is an AE. I am a long time lurker and just don't want my info out for the world to see. First of all, I know you ladies are amazingly strong and I am hoping I can get some advice so I can get there too.
Long story summed up, sort of (this, obviously isn't all the details, I am happy to answer questions about my situation if you have any):
We have been married almost 8 years, together for 13, we have two young kids.
For the past year plus, the husband has put his job as his priority. He works insanely long hours, sometimes doesn't come home, if he does come home it is well after the kids and I have gone to bed. I have tried to be supportive, I was letting him do his thing, thinking at some point, this was going to stop. I have (stupidly) believed him when he has told me this project is going to end by XX date, only to have that date pass and nothing has changed. I tried to work with him, asking him to be home at 7pm and he could have one night a week where he worked late (but not later than 10pm), which to me, isn't asking a lot.
Earlier in the year, he did some things that should have been a deal breaker (other women, etc.), but, again, I stupidly thought he would change. I do believe that part has ended, although, at times, I am not 100% sure.
We have separated 3 times. The longest lasting a month. We got back together because he told me he was going to stick to a new schedule so that he would be home to help with the kids, have dinner together, actually be a partner (he created this schedule because he claimed I was "giving him a curfew" when I asked him to be home by 7pm). This lasted for about 2 days. He knew keeping this schedule was going to be a deal breaker for me, so, deal broken.
I have seen a counselor on my own and set up an appointment for us to see one also. This was also a deal breaker for me, which he knew, but now claims he didn't. We can not have a conversation/discussion without it turning into a fight, so I thought a counselor could help with this. Appointment time came, he didn't show. I met with the counselor and he literally shook his head for the entire hour because he couldn't believe this situation. So deal part 2, broken.
He has distanced himself from me, his family and his friends. I know he is depressed, but he won't get help. He has missed out on so many family things, back to school nights, school Christmas shows, Christmas (we were separated and he had the opportunity to see the kids, but he chose not to) and my son's birthday dinner.
I work outside of the home, commute and have, essentially, been living as a single parent for the last year. I have no doubt I can do this on my own, I have an amazing support system and it is so much easier to do it without him. I am tired of being the only one who wants this marriage to work and I feel like I have tried everything I can do.
I have a consult with an attorney next week (husband doesn't know), but I was hoping maybe you guys could answer some questions for me in the meantime.
Right now we are living as roommates, he comes and goes as he pleases, I don't want him in the house anymore, how do I get him to leave? I have asked him and he says he is not leaving. Can I do anything besides leave myself?
I know that, sometimes, posession is 9/10ths of the law and I really really want to stay and keep my house. My neighbors are part of my support system and my kid's lives are there (school, sports, etc.). Any thoughts on this? Do I continue to live as we are?
Any other thoughts from anyone who has been through something similar?
Thank you so much!
Re: Could use some advice (long, sorry!)
repost on starting over...the ladies there have more experience to help you out.
But... just want to say I'm sorry you are having to go through this.
I think these things are dependent on individual state laws, so I would hold off on doing anything until I saw the attorney. I assume that both of your names are on the title of the house?
I wish you the best of luck. It sounds like you are doing the right thing.
Take the kids out of it, and this is strangely similar to my own story. My XH finally left the house, but I was close to having the locks changed on him. That's something you need to discuss with an attorney.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? It sounds like he's made a lot of promises, but hasn't been able to follow through on them. You seem to keep counting on him and end up being disappointed. As you can see, it's very easy to say words, but when push comes to shove, words mean nothing unless the actions back them up.
ETA - I think the ladies on the Starting Over board could be a great resource as well. Sorry about my above statement if it was on the harsh side, especially if you're on the way out the door. It sounds like you are on the right track.
Your statement wasn't harsh, it is right on.
At this point, and actually for a while now, we have no relationship. You hit the nail on the head, he makes a lot of promises and doesn't follow through. That is why I am done, I see him as my kid's dad at this point, not my husband.
Thanks everyone, I will repost on starting over.
Even if the issues stem from depression (which I doubt they completely do) you can only do some much FOR him, at some point he needs to decide he wants to be a member of your family and work through his issues. I respect you for realizing its time to leave and you do deserve better. That's half the battle.
A lawyer can help you figure out how to keep the house. It sounds like his work schedule would not allow him to be primary caretaker for the kids and it is probably in their best interest to stay in the house, which some states consider. I would not physically leave without consulting with your attorney b.c. some states consider that abandonment, which is a fault ground for divorce. I think most of the questions you have right now are legal and will hopefully be cleared up by a consultation.
Thank you! I did that yesterday, just in case I need it.