Starting Over
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Help me take things slow
Background: I've been divorced for over 2 years. Shortly after my divorce I was in another relationship that lasted 1.5 yrs. I realized that it was a rebound gone too long and we didn't have much in common so I broke it off. I have been single for 2 months now. I have never been this single in my entire life. No prospects, no FWBs, I had a few candidates for dating that fizzled out early.
Someone I met randomly at work last week called me last night and I have a date this weekend. I really like him. Given my past history, I want to take things slow. How can I do this? Please help!
Thanks!
Re: Help me take things slow
1. You're putting the cart before the horse here. See how the date goes. See how the second date goes. This one could fizzle out too.
2. Have you ever been single? You make it sound like the plague. If you're someone who constantly hops from one dude to the next because you're afraid of being alone, then you should be single. Take some time to figure yourself out, what you're really looking for, and why you're prone to being codependent.
Have you taken time in the last two months to learn about yourself?
After a divorce and a long-term rebound, it would seem that you have a lot of catching up to do on working on yourself before you get back into dating.
I am in therapy and I have been doing yoga, working out and hanging out with friends. What other suggestions do you have for working on myself? I do realize that I need time to figure out what it is that I want. But I am not sure how to do that? Any suggestions?
I haven't been single for more than a few months in the past 10 years. I am 30. I do want to work on myself I just don't know how!
Thank you!
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
You could try to journal. I've found it to be very helpful because you get almost an outside perspective to your own inner thinking and you're able to sort what really does mean something to you, verse maybe what others want for you or you think is expected of you.
Have you worked with your therapist on the reasons the marriage didn't work, or why you rebounded so quickly and for so long? Those things can be very telling.
Thank you for the advice so far. I am happy being single. It's almost empowering. I have lived by myself for over 2 years now. So I am not feeling lonely in a living situation way. I am also working on being OK with not ever getting married again or having kids so I can be content with my lifestyle for now.
I love reconnecting with my girl friends and talking to them on the phone for endless hours. I love that I can go buy myself whatever I want and I love not having to check in with someone. My issue comes up when I meet a guy that I like. "How can I maintain my level of independence without losing myself in another relationship" is what I am trying to figure out.
I am not saying that my date will turn into anything - this is just me working on myself I guess to learn more and have more tools in my toolbox to deal with situations as they come.
Thanks!
Yes - We have worked on that. I tend to seek my happiness from a guy. I am learning that they cant make me happy if I am not happy with myself.
My Ex-h and EX-BF were both wrong for me (not in abusive ways more like we weren't on the same page goal wise) but I kept on convincing myself that being with them is better than being single and made up excuses for staying in a relationship.
I also like the comfort and stability that comes in a relationship and being single is unknown and unfamiliar to me.
I have learned that it's OK to be single rather than being with the wrong person and even though I have been single for 2 months now I am not afraid of it anymore. I do know what I like in a guy now by being in 2 long term relationships. I have also learned that I need to find someone that shares the same goals and values with me and I can't just pick any guy and have them mold to my standard.
Thank you for the journaling suggestion. Sounds theraputic.
Perfect. Take that and find things that truly do make you happy and make you feel like you're living as the best version of you possible.
This is nice, of course, but you want to make sure that you aren't so attracted to the fact that it's comforting to be in a partnership - and be certain that when you're ready for a relationship, it's with a person you consider a partner, not just because it feels stable to have someone there.
Are you sure? I only question it because if you were with guys that were wrong for you, it may skew your view on characteristics that you think would work for you now. An example of what I'm saying is, let's say the first guy was super into his career and couldn't focus on you because of it. You may think now that you don't want a guy that is driven by his career. While that may be the case, it may have been more than your xHs career that was getting int eh way, and just kind of took the bad name for it, ya know?
There's nothing wrong with making a list of things you want in a partner, and basing them on things YOU want, not solely on what has happened in your past.
You're welcome. It's not for everyone, but it's worth a try. I thought it was silly until I unleashed my first entry and felt the relief of having it on paper and no longer swimming around my mind. Hope it helps!
I understand what you mean about making a list of my wants. I can't wait to make my list!
and Yes my Ex-H was career driven and a mama's boy. I think I have learned what signs to look for and realize when it gets unhealthy.
For example "I would like my future SO to have a healthy relationship with his family but our relationship has to come first."
Perfect! Sounds like you're on the right track.
To your OP, just be breezy about hanging out with the new guy. Stay in the present and enjoy it.
Good luck!
Slow.Down. This means, don't take your clothes off on the first date. or the second, or third. You do not have to actually get into a relationship to find out whether or not this person is someone you could be compatible with long term; wait and see if you're compatible before you start fuccking and spending nights and thinking about whether he's marriage material or wants to move in or whatever. Frankly, I don't see the need to rush rush rush. You've spent all of eight whole weeks on your own out of HOW many years?
Seems like you're afraid to be on your own, so you're just going from man to man to man, just to have SOMEone. Which is killing you. You don't want to be with SOMEone, you want to be with THE one. The right guy is walking right past you because you feel you have to actually engage in a relationship before determining whether or not you ought to be in it. SLOW DOWN.