Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
New and need some advice
Hi. I'm new here, not starting over (yet) and need some advice. I'm sorry if this gets long.
Background: H and I have been together for 9 years and married for 6. We have 2 small boys. H has had 2 spine surgeries in the past 3 years, and due to chronic pain, etc., developed an addiction to narcotics. Prior to the medication issue, we had fun. We did yard work, went golfing, visited with family and friends, watched sports, played games, etc. We had our troubles, but most of the time things were good.
Enter: pain medication. Completely took over his life. He has turned into a depressed, anxious, deceitful person. The medication ruined everything for us. We never get a long any more. I don't like it when he is home, because all he does is mope around, complain and watch TV. We have 2 little boys that want to play with dad and he's too "busy" a lot of the time.
Light at the end of the tunnel: He realized that he had an addiction that he couldn't control and went into treatment. He's been clean and sober for over 60 days (home from treatment about 1 month). I know it takes time and I want to be supportive, but I feel like saying, "Come on, already. Get over it." I know addiction is hard and I also know he's doing the right things by continuing with outpatient treatment, going to 12-step meetings, etc. I just don't know how much longer I can wait for the "old" H to come back.
I don't know what to do. I don't' know how long to wait for him to heal himself, both mentally and physically. I don't want to throw in the towel after all that we've been through, but I don't know how much longer I can hold on, either.
Does anyone have any experiences to share or words of wisdom for me? I feel like I'm out of energy and can't analyze this any more. Help! Thanks.
Re: New and need some advice
Just to clarify, while he's been home he's been sober correct? Assuming he's doing his part, I don't think it's time to throw in the towel.
I recommend you get yourself into counseling and attend al-anon meetings and take it from there. I don't think now is the time to be making any decisions, providing he's still working toward recovery and isn't relapsing.
Well, I think it took a lot of courage for your H to seek treatment. He definitely had you and your boys in mind when he went into treatment. I know it is probably extremely hard to deal with. My mother was an alcoholic when I was younger, and as a direct result I didn't live with her for about 2 years. She realized that being a family was more important than alcohol, which I think is the realization that your H is coming to.
I would try to be as supportive as possible. He's not only doing this for himself, but for you and your boys. I know it's hard....have you sought any counseling for yourself and for both of you together? That might be a good step to take.
Good luck!
I don't mean to sound like a b1tch, but he's only been home a month and you are already wanting to say "get over it"? Seriously?
You have to know that an addict will always be an addict. They may be sober and clean, but they are always in recovery. Your attitude needs to change. You need to know that you may never get the "old" dh back. You may not have the one succumbing to his addictive behavior (good for him for recognizing his problem and getting treatment, btw, that is the hardest part), but he may still not be the same as he was before the pain killers. You need to look for the good in the new and improved him.
Have you tried Al-Anon? It's for family members of addicts. They are very supportive. Do you go to any group sessions with him at his treatment facility? Do you go to counseling on your own? You need to do all of this to understand what his current journey is like and how you can best support that. It takes a very strong person to love a recovering addict. My mom went through it with her sister and a very good friend of mine went through it with her dh. In both cases, the person who was the addict is still clean and sober after several years, but the first year sober sucks -- for all involved. If you are dedicated to this man, you need to make an active choice to get help for yourself also so that you have the support you need to stay strong and support him.
Good luck!
Yes, to answer your question, he has been sober since he's been home. Logically, I know change doesn't happen overnight. I have started going to al-anon meetings and have to say I feel 100% better when I come home from those. I do need individual counseling, and I think we need counseling together too, but feel that combined with the treatment and everything he's going through right now, it might be too much. I'm trying to stay strong and hold on, but emotionally it's just so damn hard!
It's just a yucky situation -- one that I never in a million years envisioned for myself and it's hard to come to terms with that. But you are both right -- this isn't the time to make big decisions and is a time to be supportive and seek support for myself too. Thanks for the advice.
That's fair! I agree with your statement -- I would never say that to my husband, but at times when he's sitting on the couch flipping channels and I'm putting two kids to bed, cleaning up the toys, washing the dishes from dinner and working 45 hours/week, I feel like saying that. We've been dealing with this addiction and it's consequences for a long time and, while I'm thankful he went to treatment and is no longer taking medications, it's worn me down both physically and emotionally.
That's fair! I agree with your statement -- I would never say that to my husband, but at times when he's sitting on the couch flipping channels and I'm putting two kids to bed, cleaning up the toys, washing the dishes from dinner and working 45 hours/week, I feel like saying that. We've been dealing with this addiction and it's consequences for a long time and, while I'm thankful he went to treatment and is no longer taking medications, it's worn me down both physically and emotionally.
Therapy and AlAnon meetings for you. It's great that he is getting help but addiction is a terrible thing and you have a long road ahead of you. I don't think it's fair for the pps to suggest that you stay just because he is seeking treatment. Waiting around to see if he might turn back into the man you married is hard. If you're done, don't let his recovery keep you from a happy life. I'm biased though bc I left a drug addict.
Does he know how you feel?
Did he help with those things before he was on the pain killers? If so, maybe start by telling him how proud you are of him for what he is doing to get off the pain killers. Tell him you love him. Tell him this is also hard fo you because you don't understand what he went through and you want to help, but you need some help as well. Ask him to go to a counselor with you so you can better understand what he is going through and you can learn to work together as a team. Then you can bring up asking him to start helping with some of the house stuff. That way you won't sound naggy or anything like that, but you can accomplish a lot by doing the counseling together.
I know with my friend who had the dh addicted to pain killers, going to therapy together after he was sober was very helpful for both of them. Your statement about him not helping around the house sounds like something she would have said then. He is almost 3 years sober now and is doing a lot more around the house and with the kids. It takes time ... and, unfortnately, lots of it.
I agree with Kuus. Living with an addict is awful and it's not fair to you. You're a better woman than I am to live with this for so long. Also, get your boys into therapy.
It's not about not being able to do dishes. It's about being depressed; not understanding where you fit in the world anymore; not being confident that the people who were in your life before the addiction took over will still be there while you recover. Recovering from an addiction is a very lonely process. And it's a long process. And I'm sad that I have had to see many people go through it, but those that stuck it out are glad they did.
To the poster that doesn't agree that she needs to stick it out because he got treatment (mint?), I am not saying that she has to stick it out, but her post doesn't make it sounds like she wants to give up. If I am reading that correctly, she needs to just understand that the road ahead is still long and it will be hard, but it can be done.
I agree with the other PP but I wanted to add a comment about what you wrote above. There is still honor in your marriage because you are working through both of your issues, growths, and life journey. This is a huge bump in the road but it can be overcome.
However, life is a journey and we all have experiences that help us change and grow... maybe instead of waiting for the "old" H to be back, maybe embrace the "new" H that is to come. If things are not exactly what they were before, you will only have disappointment because we can't go back to who we are. I am sure you changed through this process as well. Try to have positive thoughts that things will become better than before and keep an open mind to new discoveries in your relationship. Just keep swimming and working because it seems like this is just the nitty gritty of the hard work in your marriage and beautiful things are bound to happen as long as both of you work hard.
Do take time to take care of yourself, sometimes we have to care for yourself when the other partner is unable to at the time. Just remember that nothing last forever; this phase too shall come to pass.
FormerlyAK -- you've hit the nail on the head. Its about depression and anxiety for him, and patience and understanding (or lack thereof) for me. Yes, prior to the addiction he helped out around the house. He had a smile on his face. And he's taking the proper steps to get back there. I get that. I also know that I don't need to stick it out because he sought treatment, but I am hopeful that our lives can improve. I also know that it's a long road, and I cringe when I think of the next year or two or three -- not knowing how this will all play out in the end is the kicker for me. What happens if in three years when my kids are older (and I'm older) -- things still haven't changed. Then what? I know I need to take this one day at a time, but all I'm saying is it's f'ing HARD.
Thanks for taking the time to respond -- I really do appreciate it and it helps my psyche a little bit to know I'm not completely crazy
They probably won't be there when you recover if you don't stop being a lump all the time, right? Maybe knowing that, the fact that the person recovering has some control over whether or not the people who loved them before the addiction will stick around, will help the recovery?
You are NOT crazy. It is HARD to love a recovering addict. It has to be an active choice on your part, because it is that hard. I really think you could benefit from Al-Anon so you can see and hear from spouses, children and such of other recovering addicts. You can hear about their journey and see what your next few years could look like. But you can also see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel if everyone stays strong and works together.
I'll share my story ...
My aunt was my favorite person growing up. I looked up to her and wanted to be like her. Until alcohol addiction took over her life. It took a long time for her to hit bottom and seek help. I'm talking over a decade. At one point her then husband said to her she needed to choose the alcohol or him and she chose the alcohol (your dh chose you without even getting that ultimatum). She said to his face, if he loved her he wouldn't make her choose. That's how important her wine was. My aunt alienated her friends and family. We'd avoid her calls. A neighbor found her passed out on a park bench one morning drunk and got her home. Co-workers would find her passed out in her office after lunch. Every time we'd hear a story we would pray that it was the bottom. She didn't hit bottom until her daughter who was in high school then found her on the bathroom floor bleeding out of every part of her body and called 911. She was taken to the hospital and we were all told there was no way she was going to survive. She'd basically consumed so much alcohol she had petrified her organs and they weren't functioning. Her son was flown home from college to say good bye to his mom. We were all told we should say our goodbyes because the doctors in the hospital had never seen someone in that condition survive. She needed a new liver, but you can't get on the transplant list unless you have been sober for 6 months. But apparently that made her start to fight. She stayed in the hospital for a long time. My mom lived an hour away at the time and went up every day to sit with her. She knew her sister was finally trying to fight. She knew that that was her bottom and she was going to be there. When my aunt started to show signs of life again, my mom called some of her old friends -- the ones who wrote her off when the alcohol made her nasty. They all started coming to visit. That gave her strength. She got well enough to leave the hospital and go into an in-patient treatment center. She spent 45 days there and then did out patient. My mom went to group therapy with her every week. She said it was very hard, but she was sticking with it because she loved her sister. For the first year, she looked like a skeleton -- literally her face was pale and skin and bones. The doctors still didn't know that she'd survive -- they were shocked she had lived as long as she had past that day when she was bleeding out. That first year she was depressed and didn't know what to do to rebuild her life -- because that is what you have to do. You have to rebuild your relationships, your work, your family, everything. The second year she started working hard again. She was determined to not lose her house or her business. The third year she started to rebuild her relationships. I am close with both of her kids and they both say that is when they finally started to feel like they had their mom back. December was four years sober for her. We went to a wedding in October and she was there ... it was the first time in almost 15 years I recognized my aunt as that person I looked up to. I am so proud of her for how far she has come. She lost a lot in the process, but I think she has gained even more in the past 4 years since she started recovery.
This is obviously an extreme case, but it illustrates the point that the journey of an addict is hard and long -- on everyone.
Good luck whatever you decide.
People are so judgey here. It's great that he's sober and all but after 3 years of dealing with an addict you might just be done. And that's ok. You don't owe him anything.
I mean, jolly good if he's sober and you all can carry on, but you can just be done, too. Addiction sucks and if she doesn't want to stick around for the fallout it doesn't make her a ***. It's ok to save yourself.
Were we married to the same man?? LOL No seriously, therapy helps. It takes at least a year for their brain to start functioning normally again. Also, start looking at the "new." I dont know how far into conversation ya'll have gotten about this but I know talking about it really helps.
Amen to not owing him anything. I don't think people are judgey though. Addiction has hit a lot of us close to home and everyone has different experiences. It's a very emotional subject. I think it's great that AK shared her wonderful story of encouragement. Personally my experience was abusive so I vote DTMFA because I have a negative association from an addict who wouldn't get treatment. I hope the OP takes these stories as just that and works with her counselor to do what is best for her.
I think that the main thing here that needs to be addressed is your anger and resentment towards him. You have a lot of pent up emotion, and rightfully so! You need to figure out if you have the patience and love left for him to work through it. If you ultimately decide that too much damage has been done, that is OK.
I know, for me, personally I wouldn't be able to deal with it all. I was married to someone who had a history with drug addiction long before I met him, and when I was pregnant ended up going back to using. Of course, there were other things that were deal breakers but, honestly, I'm just not the type of person who could forgive someone who turned their back on their pregnant wife and began using drugs because he lost his job and life got hard. Call me a hard asss but I just don't have that kind of sympathy for addiction.
OP, it's all about knowing what you might be capable of forgiving/dealing with. I think therapy can help you figure this out. Good luck!
This.
I'm not saying stay or go. I am saying that the posts from OP don't read like she is ready to give up. They don't sound like there is abuse or that she and the family are in danger (and if you are, OP, get to safety now). I just wanted to show a different side ... the side where you do stick it out because the addict is recovering and there aren't other dealbreakers involved.
It is a very personal choice. OP, you need to go to therapy to see what you want to do. Talk through it with neutral parties. But if you choose to stay, know it is going to be long and hard, but potentially rewarding.
I agree with needing to deal with my anger and resentment. If I can't get that in check, no amount of work on his part will do any good.
Another thing I struggle with is that he had no history of addiction or drug use until he was prescribed something. He never bought illegal drugs off the street. He never came home drunk from the bar. He never hid drugs or alcohol in our home. He took medication he was prescribed -- every time -- and although he didn't take it responsibly at the end, it started out innocently and with a purpose. Maybe this is naive of me, but for some reason I feel like it's "better" than buying cocaine off the street corner or cooking meth in the kitchen.
Gah. I'm conflicted. I'm angry. I'm resentful. I'm tired. And I'm trying to be hopeful. I need therapy and a cup of coffee.
I was not married to a drug addict but I was married to someone with serious mental health issues that caused havoc and unpredictability on our lives. When I left, he was starting to work on it (sort of) and a part of me thought okay since he admits to the problem and is taking steps then I should stay.
But I had to be honest about a few things. What he did during the years he was not getting help was very traumatic for me. I had to deal with a lot of ups and downs. I ultimately knew, no matter what he did, trust and security was gone for me. I just would never have enough proof that things would change and no amount of counseling I did changed how I felt. Too little, too late I guess. I also knew my bitterness and resentment at what happened would only hold him back when he was trying to be a better person. It wasn't fair to him.
The best thing I could do for him and me, the most supportive thing I could do, was leave. Just another way to look at it. But if you are still invested, then by all means, you can get through anything. Just be honest with yourself and him.
I agree with you. It'd be different if he were some idiot who bought crack knowing damn well the first time he took it that it was addictive. But he isn't - his addiction isn't due to poor decisionmaking on his part. And that's where the conflict is - his addiction doesn't make him an ass, but the fact that it is an "honest" addiction doesn't make its repercussions any better for you.
Please keep going to Al Anon and get both you and your H into individual and couples counseling.
My sister had a meth addiction for years and she has been sober for a few years now. It takes time and there can be set backs that you need to be prepared for and a support system like therapy to help you deal with if you choose to stay and make this work.
You are lucky in the fact that your husband recognized his problems and sought help on his own. Most addicts do not.
I had a good friend that also got hooked on pain killers due to back surgeries. I had to end our relationship because he refused to go to rehab or want to stop his addiction to pain killers.
People without addictive tendencies can still become addicts. Pain killers these days are so strong. Many people choose to not take pain killers just to avoid becoming addicted to them. The only reason it might be "better" than buying drugs off the street is at least he knew what he was getting. He was unfortunately not stronger than the pull of the drugs. It really could happen to anyone and there have been a million cases of people becoming addicted to prescribed medication. He is not the only one.
As pp's said, two months is very early in recovery and he is still coming back into learning how to function in the real world. If you are going to stay and give it a chance, take care of yourself and find yourself some support so that you can support him in his recovery. Get help to communicate your needs to him so he can relearn how to be a good husband and stop being the selfish addict he became. Good luck! I hope this works out for the best.